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Tuesday, August 11, 2015

August 11, 1983

Today is August 11, 2015, and it happens to be the date for the next installment of the Tuesday Timeline.

And, I'll be honest with you.  I had a tough time picking a subject today.  A couple of the big topics that I could have talked about, I already did an entry on.  And, I really try not to repeat topics, though in four years of doing this, I suppose it will become inevitable one of these days.

So, for this edition of the Tuesday Timeline, I thought I would make the subject of this blog one of the biggest stars of modern-day film.

(He's actually in a movie that is currently at the box office.  How's that for a first?)

So, let's get started, shall we?  Here's what happened in the world on August 11...

3114 BC - The Mesoamerican Long Count calendar begins

1786 - Captain Francis Light establishes the British colony of Penang in Malaysia

1919 - The constitution of the Weimar Republic is adopted

1929 - Babe Ruth becomes the first major league baseball player to hit 500 home runs in his career

1933 - Controversial American minister Jerry Falwell (d. 2007) is born in Lynchburg, Virginia

1934 - The first civilian prisoners arrive in Alcatraz Prison

1942 - Hedy Lamarr and George Antheil receive a patent for a frequency-hopping spread spectrum - the precursor for modern day Wi-Fi technology

1960 - The nation of Chad declares its independence

1965 - The Watts Riots begin in Los Angeles, California

1972 - The last United States ground combat unit leaves South Vietnam during the Vietnam War

1982 - A bomb explodes aboard Pan Am Flight 830, killing one and injuring fifteen

1999 - One person dies when a tornado strikes the downtown core of Salt Lake City, Utah

2006 - Talk show host/singer Mike Douglas dies at the age of 86

2009 - American activist Eunice Kennedy Shriver passes away, aged 88

2011 - Warrant lead singer Jani Lane dies of acute alcohol poisoning, at just age 47

2014 - Actor/comedian Robin Williams dies of suicide, aged 63

And celebrating a birthday today are the following people; Arlene Dahl, Claus von Bulow, Paul Soles, Jim Kale, John Conlee, Eric Carmen, Elya Baskin, Steve Wozniak, Bob Mothersbaugh, Hulk Hogan, Joe Jackson, Richie Ramone, Rob Minkoff, Embeth Davidtz, Viola Davis, Duane Martin, Joe Rogan, Anna Gunn, Charlie Sexton, Ashley Jensen, Nigel Harman, Chris Messina, Chris Cummings, Will Friedle, Alan Halsall, and J-Boog.

So, what date are we going back in time to?



Well, since I chose 1983 as the date for the Sunday Jukebox earlier this week, why don't we continue on with that year for the Tuesday Timeline.  August 11, 1983 it is!

I've already revealed that today's subject is an actor, so right off the bat you know that this date is likely a celebrity birthday.  And secondly, I've revealed that this actor is in a film that is currently screening at the box office.

Interestingly enough, the film this actor appears in is a sequel to the original "National Lampoon's Vacation" movie - which was released the same year our Tuesday Timeline subject was born.  And, here's the trailer for the 2015 film "Vacation", directed by Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley.



Now, you might have seen a blonde haired guy edited into a couple of scenes in that trailer, but it was one particular scene in the film that had people talking.



Ladies, you're welcome.

Of course, this guy has done a lot more than walk around in his underwear on a film.  In fact, this blog post will reveal everything that this now 32-year-old actor has done in his career up to "Vacation".



Chris Hemsworth, this is his life...so far.

Now, Chris is not the only actor in his family.  His brothers Liam and Luke are both actors as well.  And though he was born in Melbourne, Australia, he spent a lot of his time growing up in the Australian Outback, where crocodiles, buffaloes, and spiders as big as a flat screen television.

All right, all right.  I was kidding about the spiders.  At least, I think I'm kidding.

His career began in 2002, when he was cast as King Arthur in the Australian television series "Guinevere Jones", and has worked steadily ever since.  But how did he go from Australian Outback kid to one of the most bankable actors in Hollywood today?

Well, let's trace the timeline of Chris Hemsworth, shall we?



2004:  He lands a job on a soap opera.

Most big named stars get their start on daytime dramas.  Julianne Moore was on "As The World Turns".  Shemar Moore was on "The Young and the Restless".  And Ricky Martin took a turn on "General Hospital" long before he shook his bon bon.  And Chris Hemsworth also got his big break on a soap opera - only it's one most Americans have never heard of.



The show was "Home and Away", and Chris played the role of Kim Hyde from 2004 to 2007.  He initially auditioned for the part of Robbie Hunter, but another actor won the part instead.  But his audition was good enough for him to have another part written for him.  Some of the storylines his character was involved in included trying to build a relationship with his father, ending up in a love triangle over a woman, thinking he was the father of someone else's child, and falling in love with his grief counselor. 

But it seems as though Hemsworth took a page out of Julianne Moore's playbook.  Moore returned to the soap that made her famous in "As The World Turns'" final months to pay tribute to the genre.  And in 2014, Hemsworth also returned to the show that helped catapult his career...as an uncredited extra!



2006:  He appeared on Dancing With The Stars

Okay, so it was the Australian version of Dancing With The Stars.  He still did fairly good, making it to the halfway point of the competition before being voted out.  Have a look at him in action in the clip above. 



2009:  He played Captain Kirk's father

In 2007, Hemsworth moved to the United States to begin his film career believing that he had more opportunities in America than Australia, and although it took him a couple of years to get noticed by casting directors, he won the role of George Kirk - father of Captain Kirk - in the 2009 film "Star Trek".  Of course, he only appeared in the film's first few minutes, but still...every Hollywood actor has to start somewhere.



2011:  He played Thor

Now, this was the movie that helped get Hemsworth noticed, and many Americans would say that this movie was his first big break.  "Thor" was a huge summer blockbuster, making over $449 million at the box office, and in preparation for the role, Chris packed on twenty pounds of muscle and let his hair grow long.  What's interesting about the film was that Hemsworth was initially NOT given the part, and won the role back in a second chance audition.  He reprised the role in the 2012 Avengers film.



2012:  He played the Huntsman

Yes, shortly after filming "Thor", he was involved in the film "Snow White and The Huntsman, starring alongside "Twilight" star Kristen Stewart.  But Hemsworth wasn't the first choice for the role.  Would you believe that the part was also offered to Johnny Depp, Viggo Mortensen, Michael Fassbender, and Hugh Jackman before Hemsworth was even considered? 



2013:  He played a real-life race car driver

In 2013's "Rush", directed by Ron Howard, Hemsworth played James Hunt, the 1976 Formula 1 World Champion.  The film focused on Hunt's rivalry with Niki Lauda, played by Daniel Bruhl, and I have to say that I totally recommend this movie.  It's well acted, and for what it's worth, it is mostly accurate. 

And, it is here where we reach the final entry in Hemsworth's career for now - his role in "Vacation".  But don't think that he's stopping there.  He'll be reprising his role as the Huntsman in the 2016 film "The Huntsman", and he'll also be making an appearance in the "Ghostbusters" reboot next year.

But perhaps his greatest role in life is being a husband to Elsa Pataky, and raising his three children India, Tristan, and Sasha.  You have to admire a family man!

Happy birthday, Chris Hemsworth!   

Monday, August 10, 2015

When Closed Captioning Goes Bust

I would say that as far as my hearing goes, it's quite good. 

Well, minus the times that I have the occasional wax build-up, and have to get them syringed out at the doctor's office.  (I know...horrible imagery to kick off the day.  Sorry!)

And, of course, when I have my iPod in, I can't hear anything that other people are saying to me...which can be a good thing in deflecting gossip at the workplace, but not so good for trying to be social without the aid of electronic devices.

I'll even admit to having selective hearing on occasion, and frequently tune things out because I am busy concentrating on something else.  I admit that I am not a good multi-tasker.

All in all though, I'm happy that I do have the ability to hear, because some people in the world do not have that sense at all.

Of course, that is not to say that they can't live full lives.  With the aid of sign language, computers, and closed captioning, no longer does being deaf mean that you are segregated from the rest of the world.

But, since I brought up the subject of closed captioning, I must say that if you do watch television or movies, and you have closed captioning turned on, make sure that the source is a good one.  Otherwise, you might end up seeing something like this...



...yeah, what a mess.  Of course, this is from a YouTube video, and YouTube videos aren't known for having the most accurate translations. 

(Though, I am curious to know the impact of an Islamic Court on Graham Elliott's muscles.)

But when they happen on live television, sometimes the best intentioned closed caption transcriber can goof up.

Here are some examples of closed captioning screw-ups courtesy of The Huffington Post, EOnline, Smosh.com, Offbeat Topix, LionsDenU.com, TvSearcher, KnowYourMeme, Rebel Circus, and BuzzFeed.



1.  Well, what else is there to do when there are wildfires burning down your neighbourhood?  Also, ewwwww!



2.  Last time I checked, Zooey Deschanel was the younger sister of Emily Deschanel, and she stars in the Fox show "New Girl".  In other words, she is NOT this putz.



3.  You know, I've seen episodes of "American Dad".  I legitimately don't know if this was a closed captioning fail, or if this was really what the script said.  Damn you, Seth MacFarlane.  Damn you to heck!



4.  Marijuana has a sexual preference?  Who knew?



5.  Wait...what?



6.  So, basically stay inside today. 



7.  You know, if it weren't for the Fox logo in the corner, I'd swear this was an episode of TLC's "My Strange Obsession".



8.  Well...at least the text makes the scene work.



9.  You think you're so smart because you're Bill Nye, The Science Guy?  Well, I'll show you!  You aren't the only guy who can rock a bowtie, bitch!!!



10.  Just in case you were confused about what animals were really saying.



11.  Carlos Pena as Hitler...nice...



12.  Don't you just hate it when the intensity intensifies?  I know I do.



13.  I know when I think about cannibalism, I want it to be loudly implied.



14.  When you're in prison, is there really any other way to urinate?



15.  Thought #1.  Walter White really knows how to party.  Thought #2.  I think tighty-whities must be the only underwear that Bryan Cranston owns.



16.  Aha!  Now parents have an excuse to force their kids to eat their vegetables.  If they don't, they'll cause a terrorist attack!



17.  I think this must have been filmed in Australia.



18.  This is how "Pong" was inspired.



19.  This is like the best song ever!!!

Sunday, August 09, 2015

Album Spotlight: Billy Joel - An Innocent Man

I hope you guys are excited for another edition of the Sunday Jukebox.  And, as I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, for the rest of the year, I'll be doing album spotlights, as opposed to just doing one song.

I think that way, I can talk about more than just one song.  I can offer trivia on how albums were recorded, or how album covers were shot, or how the music videos were made.  It's worked well the last couple of weeks I've done this, and I expect that it will continue to be a fun exercise.

So, how I've been choosing what albums to take another look at is simple.  I go through the history of the Billboard 200 list (that's the album chart as opposed to the single chart), and I choose albums that were released in the past during the week that we are currently in.

So, today's album spotlight comes to us from the year 1983.  Hard to believe that it's been thirty-two years since this album was released.  It certainly makes me feel very old, given that I remember hearing songs from this album playing on the radio throughout my childhood.  It's uncanny.  Although I was only two years old when this album was released, I swear that you would frequently hear songs from this album some five, ten, even twenty years down the road.  That's how great an album it was.



And while most acts who were around in 1983 are no longer charting today, this man has defied the odds and continues to tour all over the world, even though his last album of new material came out over twenty years ago.  At the age of 66, this man - who kicked off his career with 1973's "Piano Man" has earned a number of accolades.  He earned a total of 33 Top 40 hits on the Billboard Hot 100, has won six of the twenty-three Grammy Awards that he was nominated for, and has sold over 150 million records worldwide.



Today, we're going to take a look at one of Billy Joel's most famous albums - "An Innocent Man" - which was released 32 years ago this weekend.

The album cover is a simple one, with Billy sitting on the front steps of a building in the middle of New York City's SoHo district.  At the time that he recorded the album, his personal life was in a bit of an uproot.  He was divorced from his first wife, and was re-entering the dating scene by dating supermodels who were considerably younger than he, and the experience he said made him feel like a teenager all over again.  And back in the days in which Billy was a teenager, the music scene was filled with doo-wop, Motown, and rockabilly pop - which inspired the sound of most of the tracks of "An Innocent Man".

And the album was extremely popular.  Of the ten songs that appeared on the album, seven were released as singles.  Some made it all the way to the top, and some stalled on the charts after a while, but six of the seven were Top 40 hits.  Not a bad track record at all!

And yes...we'll be listening to all seven single releases on this album.  Who knows?  You might even learn a bit of trivia about some of them.

So, let's listen to the first single, shall we?  It also happens to be my favourite track on the album.



1.  TELL HER ABOUT IT
Released:  July 1983
Peak Position on the Billboard Charts: #1

Though this single was the only one to reach #1 from "An Innocent Man", it also happens to be one of the best tracks on the whole album.  I think part of it comes from the music video, which was designed to be like a performance seen on "The Ed Sullivan Show".  Billy performing on the soundstage while people are watching from home or bars was a genius concept - one that was reused by Outkast in 2003 with "Hey Ya!".  The song about someone telling a young man to grab his chance at love before it slips away was certified Gold in 1983, and if you look closely at the end of the video, you'll see a cameo by Rodney Dangerfield.



2.  UPTOWN GIRL
Released:  September 1983
Peak Position on the Billboard Charts: #3

You know, with the way that our local radio station played "Uptown Girl" every hour on the hour for what seemed like seven years straight, it shocks me that the song only peaked at #3.  But, nevertheless, it was still a huge hit for Billy Joel.  Who knew meeting an Uptown Girl and living in a white bread world could be the inspiration for such a catchy song?

But just who was the Uptown Girl in question?

Obviously most people would think that it was the woman who played the girl in the video.  That would be Christie Brinkley, and she was definitely the epitome of America's Next Top Model - well, if the show began in the 1980s, that is.  Christie would later marry Billy Joel in 1985 and they would have a child together, Alexa.  Though the couple divorced nine years later, they still remain amicable with each other.  But Christie wasn't the only woman Billy dated after his divorce was finalized.  Rumour has it that the song could also be about Elle Macpherson (who was only nineteen when "Uptown Girl" was released), who dated Joel at the time the song was written.  It's hard to say exactly who the "Uptown Girl" was.  Joel later confirmed in an interview with Howard Stern that the song started out being about Macpherson, but ended up being about Brinkley as well.

So, there you have it.  There was more than one Uptown Girl that tickled his fancy.



3.  AN INNOCENT MAN
Released:  December 1983
Peak Position on the Billboard Charts:  #10

At a time in which MTV was really gaining in momentum and every artist was using the power of the music video to get noticed, this Ben E. King inspired ballad did not have a video made for it.  And, you know?  I can probably see why this was the case.  The song was so moving and powerful that it didn't need one.

This song also has one moment that according to Billy Joel would NEVER happen again.  You know that really long high note that Billy Joel delivers at some point during the song?  That would be the last time you would ever hear him sing that high, as according to Joel, there would be no way that he could ever duplicate that note without destroying his vocal cords.  So, you won't hear him croon like Minnie Riperton anytime soon.  That's okay though.  The rest of the notes he can sing more than make up for it.



4.  THE LONGEST TIME
Released:  March 1984
Peak Position on the Billboard Charts:  #14

I'm really baffled at how this song only peaked at #14.  But then again, he did have to compete against Michael Jackson, who was releasing singles from "Thriller" at about the same pace that Joel was releasing singles from "An Innocent Man".  In fact, Joel lost to Jackson in the Album of the Year category at the 1984 Grammy Awards!

Anyway, this song is unique in that the song is almost entirely performed a cappella.  Listen closely...do you hear any musical instruments in the song at all?  I can't!  Though apparently a bass guitar and snare drum were used at some point.  But the fact that you can't even hear them in the song is a testament to Joel's talent.  Would you believe that he recorded all of the lead and backing vocals himself and that they were all spliced together to create this single?  That is impressive.



5.  LEAVE A TENDER MOMENT ALONE
Released:  July 1984
Peak Position on the Billboard Charts:  #26

This single is probably the worst performing single that was released from this album in the United States...and honestly, I'm really struggling with that fact, as I absolutely love this single.  It's definitely got a nice groove to it, and was inspired by soul music from the late 1950s and early 1960s, but with an 80s twist.

I mean, let's face it.  Growing up in the 1980s, a lot of pop songs used the harmonica to give the songs a more bluesy feel.  And in this case, the harmonica was provided by guest musician Toots Thielemans.

It should have been a better chart performer though.  You certainly don't hear music like this nowadays - and the recording industry is all the poorer for it.  Though, this single does illustrate the success of this album.  After all, this song was released a full year after the album's first single was!  And we aren't finished yet!



6.  KEEPING THE FAITH
Released:  September 1984
Peak Position on the Billboard Charts:  #18

Okay, we're back to the dancing and the grooving with this fantastic hit!  The sixth single from "An Innocent Man", this would be the last song to chart on the American charts, peaking at #18.  And, this track essentially is the very answer to why Billy Joel released "An Innocent Man" in the first place - a celebration of music and style of his youth. 

And I think part of the reason for the single's success comes from the music video.

First, the video is chock full of celebrity cameos.  Watch for appearances from Christie Brinkley, Joe Piscopo, and Richard Pryor in this video.  Secondly, get a look at some of the costumes that the courtroom audience wears.  One half is decked out in 1950s garb, and the other is dressed in 1960s psychedelic chic.  The costume designer definitely worked overtime in this music video!  And finally, listen to the lyrics and count how many 1950s references you hear Joel singing about.  There's quite a lot.

Mind you, if this song were remade today, you'd have to take out the references on Sen-Sen mints and 45s, and replace them with Bonkers fruit chews and cassette tapes!



7.  THIS NIGHT
Released:  November 1984
Peak Position on the Billboard Charts:  N/A

Okay, I know what you're thinking.  When was this single ever released?  Well, it wasn't.  At least not in America.  But in the United Kingdom, this single was released instead of "Keeping the Faith", and it peaked at #78.  In Japan, the single peaked at #88.

Maybe it wasn't Billy Joel's strongest single release, but since it was released in some parts of the world, I have to include it.  Oh, and while the subject of "Uptown Girl" was slightly ambiguous in the subject, Joel confirmed that the subject of this single was without a doubt, Elle Macpherson.

So, there you have it.  A celebration of "An Innocent Man", released thirty-two years ago this weekend!  Great album.  If you don't have it, go download it or see if you can find it in hard copy.  You won't regret it.

Saturday, August 08, 2015

"Shoebox of Lies"

I'm sitting here typing this blog post out in one of those rare moments in between shifts at work and removing my belongings from the old apartment into the house.  Believe me, August is proving to be one of those months from hell, and I am absolutely amazed that I am even making time to write anything at all today.

Mind you, this entry is going to be a short one, as I have a full schedule on my plate.  Let's put it this way.  The hiatus is coming up very soon.  Be warned.

You know, it is so weird being in this place, seeing how different it looks as opposed to how it looked a few months ago.  A few months ago, there were pictures hanging on the walls, the shelves and closets were filled with random things, and you could walk through the place without tripping over anything - except for the random size 12 sneaker that I might have taken off in a half-asleep stupor.



Now I look around and the walls are absolutely bare (except for the odd picture hanger that I've been too lazy to remove), the shelves are empty, and there are so many boxes on the floor that I almost have to crawl over top of them to get to places.  At least I have a couple of days off coming up, so I hope to get the majority of the stuff shipped over to the new place during that time.

After all, I have until the end of August to get all the stuff out of there.

But can anyone out there actually say that they love packing up to move?  I hate moving! 

(I guess this explains why I spent eleven years in this place...eleven years of horrible neighbours, police cars pulling into the driveway at least once a week, and being woken up every morning at 6:25 like clockwork by people who feel the need to honk their car horns at full blast because they can.  I hated the idea of packing because it takes too much work!)

But you know, this move has been long overdue, and I decided that I didn't want to put it off any longer.  I needed to get out of this shoebox of lies, and move on out.



Huh...Shoebox of Lies.  That was a great song by the Barenaked Ladies.  (And the inspiration behind the title of this post!)

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to getting out of this place.  To be completely honest, I haven't really enjoyed the experience all that much.  I mean, when I first moved into this place in July 2004, it was out of desperation really.  I was bouncing around from job to job, and I didn't really have much of a future. 

I mean, don't get me wrong, I was grateful to live here, and it was fairly close to the place that I would eventually call my workplace.  But I've also come to the conclusion that after eleven years of living in this shoebox of lies that I can't really handle apartment living.

For one, every single person in this apartment wants to know everything that you are doing at every given moment of the day.  I mean, there's one lady who I basically refer to as the building's security guard because she's always standing at the front doors, or she's always looking out her window, or she's always opening up her door to eavesdrop on conversations that people are having in the hallways.

And lucky me, she happened to live right across the hallway.  Did I win the lottery or what?

And to make matters worse, she did a lot of things that a lot of other people in the building would partake in.

This is the very reason why I refer to this apartment building as a shoebox of lies.

I know I'm throwing out an obscure reference to some of you...but my former apartment building is a lot like the Final Fantasy VI town of Zozo.  Now, whenever I played Final Fantasy VI, I would always dread it.  It's a city landscape that happens to have thieves that will steal from you, punks who will start up fights for no reason, and people who are absolutely incapable of telling the truth.

Well, looking back on it, I think I lived in one of Zozo's buildings.  You try to talk to your neighbours, and you never can tell whether what they are saying is the truth, or a big ball of lies.  Eventually, I gave up trying, and just kept to myself.  It made life a lot less complicated that way. 

I can also probably count the number of times that neighbours picked fights with each other on both my hands, my toes, and every hair on my head as well as the hairs on the heads of everyone who lived in the building over the last eleven years.  Actually, maybe I can't.  I don't know how to count that high.  What number comes after a billion anyway?

Of course, this isn't to really bash everybody that lived in my building.  To be told, there were some good people who lived there, and who continue to live there.  Jordan, Derek, Bobbie, Linda...and a few others who happened to have come and gone over the years.  It's people like you that kept me sane over the last eleven years, and honestly, I can't thank you enough for that.

But I'm gonna be honest.  I won't miss the rest of you.  In fact, I don't care if I ever see any of you again.  I have my own life to live now, and at least with a house, I can pick and choose who I want to invite into it.  Sorry to say, the more I got to know you, the less impressed I was.  And now, I'm getting out of here while the rest of you can spend the rest of your lives in this shoebox of lies.  Enjoy the bed you chose to lie in.  Like the Jeffersons, I'm movin' on up, and I've finally got a piece of the pie.

Mind you, that pie won't be paid for until 2040...but hey, that's life for you, right?

Friday, August 07, 2015

New Archies Reviewed - Episode 2B: Thief Of Hearts

I always love a good mystery.  It's nice to try and find out who committed a crime, or where a missing item is, or the whereabouts of a long missing person.  Sometimes the culprit is the one person you never suspected, while other times, it's as plain as the nose on your face.

And in this episode review of "The New Archies Reviewed", we're going to join Archie and the gang in a mystery of their own...only you never really do find out who committed the crime, as the gang jumps to conclusions again.  It's probably one of the more frustrating episodes of the series, and although the way it ends is somewhat on the sweet side, it sort of doesn't really resolve anything. 



Oh, well.  Let's go ahead and watch episode 2B - Thief of Hearts.



We start today's episode outside of a movie theatre.  There's a bike rack where our Riverdale friends have parked their wheels (as none of them except for 31-year-old Moose have a driver's license), and for some reason, Archie's dog Red is chained outside.  Wait, what?  Archie actually brought his dog to the movie theatre knowing that there was no way in hell that Red could come inside?  It's official.  Archie is a moron.

Oh, well...let's see what movie is playing.  Looks like some film called "Sugar Slade:  Private Eye".  Based on how she's dressed, Sugar Slade could either be a detective, a Tibetan monk, or Rosie O'Donnell.  Let's go with the first option.

It looks like the movie is over, and we see Archie, Jughead, Reggie, Eugene, Betty, Veronica, and a new girl whom we have yet to meet in this series.



Her name is Amani, and she is essentially a blend of Midge Klump and Nancy Woods.  And since Midge and Nancy are characters who are just there in Archie comics, Amani doesn't really have much purpose in this show other than to be the token African-American female.  Seriously, she has so little character development that any of the traits she has could easily have been given to Betty.  Mind you, she does have one major storyline through the whole series, but we'll have to wait until next week for that to be told.



Anyways, it appears as though Betty, Veronica, and Amani can't stop talking about how awesome Sugar Slade is because she's a woman, and women are better than men because they say so, and that no man could ever outsleuth her.  Which prompts Reggie to proclaim that they should shut their pie holes because boys will ALWAYS be better than girls.

Because as we deduced already, Reggie is a sexist pig - well, when he's not dressing up in drag to go out with Fangs Fogarty as he did last episode.



So, the girls issue the guys a little bit of a challenge.  Veronica looks through the newspaper to find a mystery to solve, and discovers that a recent robbery took place at Riverdale Fine Jewelry.  The bandits made off with a sack filled with diamond rings and accessories, and are still at large.

(Now, never mind that this thief could be armed and dangerous and could likely blow off Jughead's nose with one carefully armed weapon.  Apparently the kids of Riverdale Junior High are 12 years old and incredibly foolish, so catching a robber is nothing to them!)

The only clues left behind at the crime scene were a set of huge footprints and a collection of red fibers from a garment.  So, we already know that the thief is a male with big feet and a gigantic hole in his cherry red Esprit sweater.  That's helpful.

But since that's all they have to go on, the battle of the sexes kick off, with the boys going one way, and the girls going another.  For the rest of the article, I'll be calling Team Betty/Veronica/Amani "Team Nancy Drew", while Archie/Jughead/Eugene/Reggie will be "Team Hardy Boys".

What can I say?  I read both types of books when I was a kid.  Was always a Hardy Boys fan.



The girls, however, get off to a really good start when Veronica decides that before they do any investigating, they need to go to JC Penney and blow all of their cash on new clothes.  You know, if Marg Helgenberger and Jorja Fox had that same idea, Las Vegas would have six times as many murders.  Just saying.



Anyway, after Team Nancy Drew uses their tooth fairy money to look just like Sugar Slade, they arrive at the jewelry store where they look over the scene to investigate.  Immediately, Betty discovers a piece of red string behind the store, which prompts the rest of the Nancy Drews to follow along.  Huge footprints soon follow, and the girls quickly pursue the trail...



...only to discover that the thief is really a goofy looking circus clown with a puppy dog that is obviously wearing a red sweater made in China.  Back to the drawing board, girls.



You know, I was all ready to give credit to Team Hardy Boys for getting down to business right off the bat, but these goofy guys decide - hey, it's the 80s.  We have to look totally gnarly too!  Apparently, their idea of totally gnarly is channeling Crockett and Tubbs from Miami Vice.  Heck, they should have stuck Jughead in a Hawaiian shirt so that they could have some Magnum P.I. influence in there as well.

Back to Team Nancy Drew, the girls are frustrated that they can't find any clues.  It's almost noon and - wait, does this mean that the kids all saw the movie at like five in the morning?  What movie theatre opens that early?  I give up.



Anyway, their conversation is interrupted when they spot Mr. Weatherbee coming out of the bank.  This in itself is not unusual, but then Team Nancy Drew really starts to analyze Mr. Weatherbee and notice that he has really big feet (GAWSP), is wearing red sweat pants (DOUBLE GAWSP), and has a stack of Benjamins in his hands (DING DING DING DING DING).

This proves it!  Mr. Weatherbee is the thief!  He stole the diamonds!  And somehow, he managed to go to the bank and got his diamonds changed into cash!  I mean, who runs this bank anyway?  Russell Oliver?



(By the way, in case you don't know who Russell Oliver is, he's the cash man.  He'll give you money for your gold.  Oh, yeah!)



Nevertheless, Team Nancy Drew decide to follow Mr. Weatherbee to a clothing store (let's just say that it's Fjordstrom's, as it was a department store that all of the Archie characters shopped at in the eighties).  Team Nancy Drew are staring at Mr. Weatherbee through a mannequin's legs, and I must say that Mr. Weatherbee looks really dapper in his pinstripe suit.  Not exactly sure why he chose bright white, but hey...maybe he was trying to look like Don Johnson as well.



Mind you, Team Nancy Drew prove themselves to be the worst in undercover spying as they knock over the mannequin causing them all to scream.  The mannequin sends a rack of sweaters sailing into the escalator which dresses everyone on the escalator like Magnum P.I.  Now that is magic!

But Fjordstrom's is a classy establishment, and therefore the Sugar Slade lookalikes are literally thrown out on their butts.  Too bad for them.



Meanwhile, Team Hardy Boys aren't having much luck either until they pass by Mr. Weatherbee walking down the street.

And immediately, Reggie jumps to the same conclusion that Team Nancy Drew comes up with.  That Mr. Weatherbee was the one who robbed the jewelry store.

(Meanwhile, while this investigating is going on, there's this really weird synthesizer music playing in the background that sort of sounds like a mash-up of the Magnum P.I. theme and the Miami Vice theme.  I wish I had a clip to show you, but trust me...it's very eighties.)



Back to Main Street Riverdale, Team Hardy Boys look through the window of a fancy perfume shop where Mr. Weatherbee is apparently buying a two litre bottle of perfume!  Seriously, I know everything was bigger in the eighties, but that size of perfume must have cost Mr. Weatherbee five hundred bucks at least!  Do high school principals really get paid that much money, or did he really rob the jewelry store after all?

Well, that seems to be the conclusion that Team Hardy Boys come up with, and they follow Mr. Weatherbee back to the school, where it seems as though Team Nancy Drew seems to be as well, though neither team know the other one is there.



What they do know is that Mr. Weatherbee has even more secrets to hide.  Including a very expensive looking necklace!  So, let's go over this again.  He has an expensive suit on, he bought enough perfume to make the whole town of Riverdale smell great, and now he has a necklace.  If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was trying to go to a lot of trouble to impress someone.  But who?

Unfortunately, both Team Nancy Drew and Team Hardy Boys come up with a conclusion completely different from my interpretation.  The necklace is the very thing that they need to convince them that their beloved principal is evil, and needs to be taken down.



Oh, and at Weatherbee's home, the two teams discover that Weatherbee is loading a huge sack filled with some unknown substance into his car before driving off.  Oh, great, so now they think he's a murderer, chopping up the bodies of his delinquent students in his spare time, that's great.

(Though we haven't seen Fangs Fogarty or Moose in this episode...hmmm...)



Team Hardy Boys decide to call the police, but Team Nancy Drew is even more daring.  They get on their bikes to follow Weatherbee in a...low speed car chase through the picturesque scenery of Riverdale.  I guess the girls' bicycles only have ten speed settings.

The chase ends at a residential neighbourhood, and as soon as Weatherbee parks his car outside of a house, the other girls scream out "J'ACCUSE!!!" and Mr. Weatherbee is wondering what kind of wacky tobaccy Betty, Veronica, and Amani have been smoking before they hear police sirens in the distance and some swamp creature barging out the front door of the house.



Oh, wait.  That's no swamp creature.  That's only Miss Grundy, trying to make herself look seventy years younger.  I do wonder what she used to make that mask though.



One thing that isn't a joke?  The police do arrive on the scene.  Now, we know that Team Hardy Boys called the police, but how did they know exactly where to send them?  They didn't have GPS systems in 1987, and as far as we could see, the girls were the ones who did all the work. 

You know, my brain is hurting.  I need to stop over-analyzing a cartoon.

Anyway, the police received a tip from four 12-year-old boys, one of whom is wearing a neon pink crown, that Mr. Weatherbee has been a bad boy, and that he needs to show them the bodies that he has stashed in that potato sack.  And Weatherbee obliges by opening up the bag and showing them Fangs' decapitated head...



...or, a hundred roses.  Wait, let's put all the pieces together.  Expensive suit.  Perfume.  Necklace.  Roses.  I got it!  Mr. Weatherbee has decided that he wants to give up his career as a high school principal to become a professional gigolo!



Or, maybe he's trying to surprise Miss Grundy on her birthday by buying her lots of gifts so that the two of them can get down to some homework of their own.  Yeah, that's it. 



Anyway, Grundy is so excited that Weatherbee remembered her birthday that she completely forgets that she looks like Chewbacca, and runs back into the house screaming like a maniac with Weatherbee running behind her screaming "I don't care how you look!  Just say you think I look hot in this suit!"

I mean, seriously, the dude blew his whole month's pay for one day of fun with you!  Have a heart!



So, by the time the episode concludes, Team Hardy Boys are going to prison (though they'll be released by next episode, I'm sure), while Team Nancy Drew will likely be in detention until 1997 - or, until the next episode aired.  Whichever came first.

All in all, it wasn't a total loss.  Mr. Weatherbee got the girl.



And we close off with this rather goofy expression on Mr. Weatherbee's face.  If this were a real show, he'd have a cigar in his mouth.

But, man...what a mess of a show.  It felt like it was like an animated version of "Three's Company", only without it being funny.  Team Hardy Boys really did nothing in this episode at all.  Team Nancy Drew did all the work in this case.  But again, we didn't really see any personalities develop at all.  I mean, yes, this was Amani's debut, but she may as well have been replaced with Big Ethel with the amount that she did.  It's a good thing that next episode, she has a much bigger role, or else I'd question why she even was created in the first place.

And even more frustrating...we never did find out who robbed the jewelry store. 



I think it was Fangs.  I mean, just look at that face.  Guilty!  Guilty!  Guilty!