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Friday, October 16, 2015

New Archies Reviewed - Episode 7A: Red To The Rescue

It's time for another edition of The New Archies Reviewed.  And while last week's episode made me incredibly frustrated and angry, this week's episode makes me feel all happy and warm inside.  It is easily my favourite episode of the whole series - well, at least the first half of the seventh episode is anyway.

And believe it or not, the star of the show is one that isn't even human.  It's Archie's beloved pup, Red.



It's Episode 7A:  Red To The Rescue!

Now before I go on with the discussion, I promised all the way back in July that I would set the record straight when it comes to the number of pets that Archie owned.



As far as I can tell, Archie has owned three dogs.  The first one just happens to be Spotty, and it's the dog that most Archie comic fans recognize.  Spotty was the beloved pet of Little Archie, and he tagged along with the little red-haired kid everywhere.  Spotty was incredibly loyal, which leads me to believe that poor Spotty crossed the Rainbow Bridge sometime prior to the events of The New Archies.



Recently - in books dated 2013 and later - Archie acquired a new pet named Vegas.  And while some of the newer stories feature Vegas in a sidekick role much like Spotty, if you have read the Afterlife With Archie series, Vegas plays a key role - he sacrifices himself so that Archie can escape the zombie hoard.  I like Vegas, but I need to see more stories with him.

Now, Red...Red is the dog that Archie had during his junior high years, and much like Eugene and Amani, Red just disappears from the scene.  It's too bad too.  I mean, Hot Dog managed to last through all three incarnations of the series (which makes me wonder how old Hot Dog is in the teen years), so why did Red have to disappear?



Whatever the case, Red is the star of this episode, and after Red gets in trouble for eating Jughead's science project, Archie and Jughead are giving Red and Hot Dog a bath.  Betty and Veronica are assisting them.  It's good to know that Veronica holds no hard feelings towards Jughead for bankrupting her during the "Hamburger Helpers" episode.



Ah, but the joyous scene is soon interrupted by Archie's evil neighbour Mrs. Schweckner.  And, right off the bat, you can tell that they've made Mrs. Schweckner to be a 1980s version of Miss Gulch from the Wizard of Oz right down to the bicycle.  I guess it's no coincidence that Red happens to be the same exact breed of dog that Toto was either.

And sure enough, Mrs. Schweckner hates Red because she claims that Red is terrorizing her cat Muffin to the point where she refuses to go outside.



Oh, man...I can see what the crazy old bat means.  Just look how vicious Red is to Muffin!

Of course, Archie argues the very obvious.  Red and Muffin are BFF's, and Red would never do anything to harm her.  But Mrs. Schweckner is determined to prove that Red is a mad dog and threatens to take Red away from Archie leaving Red to drown himself in the bath sigh in frustration.



Wow...this episode really must have taken a lot of inspiration from the Wizard of Oz!  Muffin escapes Mrs. Schweckner's clutches the same way Toto flees from Miss Gulch.  If a tornado picks up Riverdale Junior High and drops it in Munchkinland, we're in big trouble!



Well, no tornado.  But the skies did seem rather dark outside.  Sure enough, storm clouds gather above Archie's house, and Archie and Jughead are working with Eugene on some sort of infrared sensor camera.  Apparently trash cans are being knocked down all over Archie's neighbourhood, and Mrs. Schweckner is determined to prove that Archie's demon dog is the one responsible.  So, Archie decides to recruit Eugene's help to get proof as he trusts Eugene's brains.  That, plus he doesn't meet Dilton Doiley for another couple of years at least.



The clouds burst open and torrential rains pour all over Riverdale.  And while Archie and Jughead are having a sleepover in Archie's house, something suspicious happens.  Thanks to the flashes of lightning that happen periodically, we can make out the silhouette of a cat and a dog that look a lot like Muffin and Red.  Uh-oh.  This doesn't look good.



Seconds later, the trash cans outside of Archie's house get knocked over, and we can see that cords are attached to each one.  Each time a can falls, the camera takes a photo.  I hope this doesn't mean what I think it means.



The noise is enough to wake up Archie and Jughead, and both of them head outside to see what is going on - well, after Jughead manages to grab enough pancakes to serve 20 customers at the IHOP.  I guess Archie's mom wakes up at 2:30 in the morning to start breakfast.



So, problem #1.  Red has broken free from his chains because Archie is horrible at tying knots (Spoiler Alert: at least in THIS episode, he is).  And problem #2:  The garbage cans are all upset.



Which leads to problem #3.  Mrs. Schweckner must have woken up early from all the commotion and this time she's brought a friend with her - the friendly neighbourhood dog catcher.  And this time, she has a warrant to lock up Red for good after she (probably) embellished a story about how Red has rabies and how he wants to decapitate Muffin with his foaming mouth. 

Archie insists that Red is innocent and that Red and Muffin are pals, but Mrs. Schweckner is determined to find the dog so that she can teach him a thing or two.



Luckily, Archie and Jughead have some allies.  Betty and Veronica have heard about Red being missing and they are offering to help find him.  Now, I must say, this is nothing new for Betty to be helpful, but Veronica is willing to walk in the pouring rain to search for Archie's dog?  Why, I do believe our spoiled rich girl is softening!



After a few minutes of looking, Archie spots something red sticking out of a bush that looks like Red's tail, and all four kids run toward it thinking that they've found him.  Unfortunately, it just happens to be a beat up old chair.  Fortunately, Mrs. Schweckner makes the same mistake, jumps in the bushes, and the chair ejects her out of the bush, bruising her...dignity.



And our friendly neighbourhood dog catcher just laughs, not only revealing his true allegiance, but proving that not even dog catchers like Mrs. Schweckner!



While all this is going on, Eugene is in a darkroom trying to develop the photos taken at Archie and Jughead's place.  Keep in mind that back in 1987, cell phones and digital cameras were not around, so photos had to be processed the old-fashioned way.  And needless to say, we see Eugene try and fail several times to get any clear images.  And THIS is who Archie entrusted to help with the investigation?  Sigh...

Someone else who HAS joined the search for Red is Hot Dog, Jughead's faithful, but dopey four-legged companion.  After all, just as Jughead and Archie are best friends, Red and Hot Dog seem to be pals as well. 



But again, Hot Dog isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the hardware department.  Archie thinks that Hot Dog picked up Red's scent, but really, all Hot Dog does is lead Archie and the gang to a butcher shop where he's almost as much of a celebrity as Lassie. 

And Mrs. Schweckner arrives at the butcher shop just as the butcher prepares to give Hot Dog his daily treat.



See, this is why people HATE you, Mrs. Schweckner.  First you accuse a dog of scaring your cat, and now you steal Hot Dog's lunch?  What are you going to do next, knock off a liquor store?



Soon after, Betty and Veronica have spotted a set of footprints that appear to be from a dog.  But Veronica cleverly deduces that the footprints are too big to match Red's paws.



And as Betty and Veronica follow the trail, they soon discover that the prints belong to Hot Dog, who happens to be running around in a circle, tying up Jughead and Archie in the process.  This prompts Betty to remark that they should stick together if they want to find Red, and Veronica to call Hot Dog a nuisance.  Ah, there's the old Veronica coming back!

Mrs. Schweckner has also found the tracks, and she comes across Betty, Veronica, and Archie, and she is determined to find out where Red and Muffin are.  She notices movement in the bushes, grabs the dog catcher's net, and screams "I GOT HIM!"



Who she's got is Jughead eating a sandwich.  At least Jughead offers her one.



And Eugene continues to wish it were 2015 instead of 1987.  If it were, he wouldn't continue to have so much trouble developing the photos that could clear Red's name.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Schweckner is on her bicycle, and she is determined to find Red so she can skin him for her new fur coat...or to get answers as to where Muffin went.  Or both perhaps.  The dog catcher is trying to warn Mrs. Schweppner that she is approaching a swamp and that it is dangerous to proceed, but the acid-tongued Mrs. Schweppner blasts him, screaming that he has been on the kids side from the moment he joined the investigation - which, you have to admit, he kind of is.

But Mrs. Schweckner's monologue is quickly silenced as she screams and we see mud splashing out of the bushes.  I'm guessing dog catcher was right about the swamp after all.



The sudden noise grabs Hot Dog's attention, and Jughead, Betty, Archie, and Veronica follow Hot Dog down the hill where Jughead sees Mrs. Schweckner's straw hat next to the swamp and makes the remark that she melted.

Wow...this show really DID borrow a lot from the Wizard of Oz, didn't they?  Now I expect flying monkeys to come by and grab all the kids to lock them in a tower.



Instead, the dog catcher grabs a rope and pulls Mrs. Schweckner from Quicksand Swamp before Mrs. Schweckner drowns and the show really has to plan a funeral storyboard.



Back at Eugene's - after what seems like the 16th attempt to get somewhere, Eugene's final photo reveals the truth.  The garbage can vandal is none other than Mrs. Schweckner a raccoon!  The raccoon framed Red for the crime.  Red is completely innocent!  So, this leads to the next mystery.  If Red didn't do the deed, then where did he disappear to?  And what happened to Muffin?

Well, as the sun sets, the kids will soon have their answer.  Archie faintly hears a dog barking in the distance, and Archie runs towards a farm and...

...HOW THE HELL DID THEY GET TO THE FARM?  The show started in the middle of suburban Riverdale!  You mean to tell me that they walked all the way to the boonies in a single DAY?  Wow...that's either sheer will power or stupidity.  Maybe the dog catcher gave them a ride? 



Anyway, the source of the barking is coming from a pile of hay, and after Archie jumps inside to look around, he emerges from the hay with a Cheshire Cat like grin on his face, which causes Mrs. Schweckner to blow a gasket...



...at least until Archie reveals the real reason why Muffin went away.



See, what the show didn't reveal until the end is that Muffin was pregnant and Maury Povich determined that Red was the father...

...no wait.  Let's try that again.

Muffin was pregnant and due to deliver her kittens any day now.  The father of the children took off for Albuquerque months ago, and Red stepped in to be Muffin's Lamaze coach.  That's why Red was so concerned for Muffin, and that's why Muffin and Red left.  Muffin wanted a quiet place away from raccoons upsetting garbage cans, screaming little old ladies on bicycles, and pre-teens who attend junior high to give birth to her babies.

And the last frame of the show is probably one of the sweetest endings that I've ever seen.

Okay, so aside from the Wizard of Oz references, I really loved this episode.  For one, it allowed us to get to know Archie's dog better.  It's nice to see Red having as big a heart as his owner. 

It was also refreshing to see Veronica act less like a brat and more like a human being.  And Reggie was barely in this episode at all.  Perhaps Veronica should stay away from Reggie more often.

Finally, the whole plot itself was sweet and surprisingly realistic for a cartoon series.  Granted, the plot could have easily been used in an episode of "The Littlest Hobo", but I digress.  It's going to be tough to find an episode to beat this one as my favourite of The New Archies.


Coming up next week, Jughead believes that he is cursed.  This ought to be good.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

October 13, 1945

I hope that everyone had a nice holiday yesterday.  Whether you were celebrating Thanksgiving or Columbus Day, I hope you did it in style.

Alas, it's back to business, and with that, I have another Tuesday Timeline entry for all of you to enjoy. 

Today is October 13, and I've picked out a subject that could be considered a real "sweetheart" in the world of confections.  But before I get into further detail, I have some other odds and ends to take care of first.

We'll start with world history and all of the events that took place on this date.

1773 - Charles Messier discovers The Whirlpool Galaxy

1792 - The cornerstone of the building that would come to be known as The White House is laid

1812 - The Battle of Queenston Heights takes place, which sees the death of Isaac Brock

1885 - Georgia Tech is founded

1892 - Edmund Emerson Barnard discovers Comet D/1892 T1 - the first to be discovered via photographic means

1914 - The first World Series sweep takes place when the Boston Braves defeat the Philadelphia Athletics four games to zero

1917 - In Fatima, Portugal, the "Miracle of the Sun" is witnessed by 70,000 people

1925 - Comedian Lenny Bruce (d. 1966) is born in Mineola, New York; Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher (d. 2013) is born the same day

1943 - The new Italian government declares war on Germany during World War II

1958 - Paddington Bear makes his debut

1968 - Actress Bea Benaderet passes away at the age of 62

1970 - Fiji joins the United Nations

1974 - American television show host Ed Sullivan dies at the age of 73

1983 - Ameritech Mobile Communications launch the first cellular network in Chicago

1990 - The Lebanese Civil War ends

2009 - Singer/actor Al Martino dies at the age of 82

And for celebrity birthdays, we have quite the list to present!  Join me in sending birthday wishes to Terry Gibbs, Nana Mouskouri, "Cousin Brucie" Morrow, Melinda Dillon, Paul Simon, Pamela Tiffin, Mike Barnicle, Robert Lamm, Susan Stafford, Demond Wilson, Susan Blommaert, Sammy Hagar, John Ford Coley, Rick Vito, Beverly Johnson, Chris Carter, Reggie Theus, Marie Osmond, T'Keyah Crystal Keymah, Kelly Preston, Jerry Rice, Christopher Judge, Kate Walsh, Tisha Campbell-Martin, Nancy Kerrigan, Cady McClain, Sacha Baron Cohen, Billy Bush, Summer Sanders, Kiele Sanchez, Ashanti, Ian Thorpe, and Aaron Dismuke.

All right, so let us see what date we'll be visiting this week?



How about we go back seven decades to October 13, 1945?  That sounds like a good date.  And, I have a story to tell you in regards to this date.

(No, I wasn't around in '45.  Actually, none of my immediate family was.  My mom was born exactly three weeks after this date.)

You know, Halloween is right around the corner, and I would imagine that most of you are thinking about what kind of candy you will be handing out to trick-or-treaters in your neighbourhood.  I know that at my house I'll be handing out candy - well, provided I don't work Halloween night, that is.

I don't exactly know what treats I'll be settling on yet, but I do know that when I was a kid, I knew which ones I ate first!  If I saw anything in a brown wrapper with the Hershey's logo on it, you know that they were the first to disappear.  It didn't just have to end with the classic Hershey bar either.  I liked Hershey's Cookies and Creme, and Hershey's Caramel, and the short lived Hershey's Cookies and Mint candy bar.  I loved Hershey's Kisses every holiday.  I still even remember taking a field trip in first grade to the Hershey's Chocolate Factory which was at that time located in a town close to where I live.

I say, USED to.  It closed up shop, relocated to Mexico, and turned the town into a ghost town.

But while I don't agree with that decision at all, you can't really blame the person who made the Hershey name a brand.  It was on this date seventy years ago that the man who brought us Hershey chocolate died at the age of 88.  But you have to admit that for many years, he was the chocolate king.  His empire was one of the sweetest to ever grace the business world.  He made the brand so recognizable that an amusement park opened up in the state of Pennsylvania as what could be considered a permanent memorial to the cocoa guru.



Yes, today we celebrate the life of the founder of the Hershey Chocolate Company, Milton S. Hershey.

Born in Derry Township, Pennsylvania on September 13, 1857, Milton Snavely Hershey was born in a Mennonite community and because of his upbringing, he was forced to do chores on the family farm.  Although his education stopped after the fourth grade, Hershey did learn the value of hard work and determination from his family.

When Hershey was fourteen, he was given a chance to be the apprentice of Joseph Royer, a man who made his living creating different confections, and over the next four years, Hershey fine tuned his craft at making delicious candies.

He opened up his first confection business in 1876, and managed to make it last for six years before bankruptcy closed the doors on that business.  Hershey set out to make a new life for himself in Denver and while he was there he learned how to make caramels using fresh milk.  He tried setting up shop in several other cities, but when those businesses went south, he returned to Pennsylvania.

However, his knowledge and craft of creating the perfect caramel back in Denver would help Hershey set up the Lancaster Caramel Company in 1886.  The business took off almost immediately and people came from all around just to sample some of Hershey's caramels.  And a few years after setting up his candy company, he met and fell in love with Catherine "Kitty" Sweeney, whom he married in 1898.

By the turn of the century though, Hershey had decided that he wanted to do more than sell caramels, and in 1900, he sold the Lancaster Caramel Company and used the money from the sale to start up a new type of business.  One that he was sure would be a success.

His plan was to purchase several acres of farmland close to his birthplace of Derry Church to open up a chocolate company.  The reason for the location choice?  Hershey wanted to be close to an area that had a lot of dairy farms.  You see, back in the early 1900s, milk chocolate was incredibly hard to find, and Hershey wanted to come up with a formula that made milk chocolate not only easier to produce, but more affordable towards the general public.



It took him some time to get the formula perfectly balanced, but he did so by 1900.  That was the same year that the iconic Hershey's Chocolate Bar first went on sale.  He started construction on his factory in 1903, and came up with two more iconic products by the end of the decade - Hershey's Kisses were first created in 1907, and the Hershey Bar with Almonds followed suit one year later.

Of course, Hershey's formula for the milk chocolate was greatly influenced by his temporary residence in Denver, where he learned that mixing milk with caramel made them even creamier and delectable.



Now, when Hershey started his candy company in the early 1900s, I don't even know if he knew just how big it would grow.  Today, it is one of the most recognizable names in the candy industry.  And although the original Hershey Chocolate Factory was closed up and demolished in 2012, the company has a permanent landmark with an entire town in Pennsylvania named after the chocolate maker, as well as an amusement park, Hersheypark, which has been operational since 1906!



Hershey is also a parent company of the H.B. Reese Candy Company, whom you might recognize as the company that brought us those incredibly addictive Reese Peanut Butter Cups.  So, you see folks?  Next time you eat a peanut butter cup, thank Milton S. Hershey for making it a reality!

I should also note that while he was alive, Hershey really did do a lot of philanthropy work as well.  It was his company that started up Elizabethtown College's honors program.  He established the M.S. Hershey Foundation which provided educational and cultural opportunities for people in the Hershey area.  And during World War II, he provided millions of candy bars for soldiers who were fighting during the war.  In fact, he perfected a special formula for the bars so that they would not melt in humid conditions - a practice that was inevitably used for future chocolate treats.

And while today marks the day that Milton S. Hershey's journey ended, I should mention that had it not been for fate, his journey would have ended a lot earlier.

You see, Milton S. Hershey and his wife were originally supposed to be guests on a luxury ocean liner that was set to depart from Southampton, England and arrive in New York City.  Perhaps you may know the name of that ocean liner.  I believe they called it the Titanic.  Fortunately, Hershey had a conflict with his schedule and canceled his reservation on the doomed ship. 



So, that ends our Tuesday Timeline feature.  I do hope you enjoyed this sweet treat.  In fact, I may just grab a Hershey bar today in honour of his memory.

Monday, October 12, 2015

"Thank U", Alanis Morissette!

I'd like to take the time out to wish all of my American friends a happy Columbus Day today.  I'm not sure exactly how one celebrates Columbus Day, but since many of you have the day off, I hope whatever it is you do on Columbus Day that you do it with pride.

And if you happen to be living in Canada, I want to wish all of you a very happy Thanksgiving today!  Don't stuff yourselves too full of turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin pie!  You really don't want to have a Thanksgiving induced stomach ache.  Believe me, I've had those before.  They aren't fun.

But anyway, in the spirit of thanks and being thankful, I thought that I would take the time to use today's special Canadian Thanksgiving entry to discuss a song that is all about...well...thanking people.  After all, it kind of ties in to the Thanksgiving theme that is going on.

Of course, there are plenty of songs that I could choose from.  I could choose "Thank You" by McMaster & James.  However, that song is a little obscure for people who aren't Canadian...and even some Canadians probably don't even know who these people are.  So, let's skip that one.

I could have chosen "Thank You" by Dido...and yes, that is a fantastic song on its own.  But lyrically speaking, it's not as deep a song as I would like to talk about for Thanksgiving.  I'll put it on the maybe list for another time.

And, well...there's "Thank You For The Music" by ABBA...but yeah.  No.  Just no.

So what song did I decide to make the subject for today's post?  Well, I guess you could say that I went back to my high school soundtrack for this one.  Needless to say, it's a song that really made an impact on my own life, and it's a song that is absolutely perfect for Thanksgiving.



ARTIST:  Alanis Morissette
SONG:  Thank U
ALBUM:  Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie
DATE RELEASED:  October 12, 1998
PEAK POSITION ON THE BILLBOARD CHARTS:  #17



Ah, yes.  Alanis Morissette's classic hit about thanking everyone around her.  Buck naked.  I mean, mind you, all the naughty bits were covered by her hair or a filter on the screen, but still, the music video did show her in the buff.  And yes, there was a reason for it which I will discuss a little bit later in this post.

But first, here's a little bit of a recap for you leading up to the moment that she recorded this single.

Now, Alanis Morissette, as many of you may know, didn't start off as a singer.  She was a cast member on the sketch comedy show "You Can't Do That On Television" for two years.  But while she was a cast member, she used to sing at cast gatherings and holiday parties and this prompted her to try singing as a full time career.  She released her debut album in 1991 at the age of seventeen and back in those days she released dance music.

Then in 1995, she became the angry young woman scorned, and dropped the F-bomb in the song "You Oughta Know", which skyrocketed her into instant fame.  That song helped "Jagged Little Pill" become one of the top albums of 1995 and 1996, and with hits like "You Learn", "Ironic", and "Head Over Feet", she certainly dominated charts all over the world.

I know that I still have my copy of "Jagged Little Pill" somewhere, and I have quite a few of her earlier songs downloaded onto my iPod.  Twenty years after its release, the album is still considered a rock music treasure.



But because Alanis spent so much time promoting "Jagged Little Pill", by 1997 she was ready to take a well earned vacation.  That year, she decided to spend some time in India for a journey of self-reflection, and during this time, she was inspired to write a few songs for what would be her fourth studio album, "Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie". 

In the case of "Thank U", a song that she co-wrote with Glen Ballard, Alanis explained that in the year and a half between albums, she did a lot of soul-searching, and explained that she needed a break in between albums.  In an interview she gave with "Rock On The Net" back in March 2014, she explained it like this;

"Basically, I had never stopped my whole life, hadn't taken a long breath, and I took a year and a half off and basically learned how to do that.  When I did stop and was silent and I breathed...I was just left with an intense amount of gratitude, and inspiration, and love, and bliss, and that's where (Thank U) came from, you know?"
- Alanis Morissette

So the song is essentially Alanis thanking various things and feelings for becoming the person she was at the time she recorded "Thank U".  That's why the chorus goes "Thank you, India, thank you terror".  In order for her to truly be herself, she had to be grateful for all of the experiences that she had from getting green slime dumped on her to her spiritual reawakening in India. 

Believe me, there's not a single one of us on this planet that hasn't had periods of self-reflection.  I'm going on four and a half years of it right here in this space.  And while there are some periods of my life that I'd rather forget about, I am thankful that I had those experiences.

I think that's why this song is one of my favourite songs by Alanis Morissette.  The song was released right around the time I had just left an extremely dark period in my life, and I wasn't exactly sure what to do with myself.  This song came at a very key point in my life because I realized that while those experiences were tough, I needed to have them to become a stronger person, and I suppose in a way, I am grateful for it.



But yeah, let's talk about the elephant in the room.  Let's talk about the fact that she filmed the music video completely bare-assed naked!  I have to admit that for the longest time I thought she was wearing some sort of nylon flesh-coloured costume because at that time, television sets were nowhere near being LED or HDTV, and images were nowhere near as clear as they are now!  Now that everything is in sharp clarity, I can confirm that yes, she is nude.

Of course, MTV would have never aired the video if Alanis let it all hang out, so her private parts were covered up either by her hair or were blurred out by censors.  The video itself debuted on Total Request Live on October 12, 1998 and was directed by Stephane Sednaoui.

The idea for Alanis to be nude in the video ironically enough came to her while she was in the shower.  Knowing that the message of the song was about simplicity and baring your soul, Alanis thought that it would be a great display of visual symbolism if she rode around on the subway, went shopping in a grocery store, and strolled through the streets of a big city completely naked, baring it all to anyone and everyone.

The concept seemed to work.  The music video was a huge success, and it helped "Thank U" reach the #17 spot on the Billboard Charts.  In Alanis' native Canada, the song was a chart-topper.  In various nations all over the world, the song was at least a Top 10 hit.  And while it didn't win the award, it was nominated for a Grammy Award for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance in 2000.

So, that's the story of "Thank U".  And, I thank you for following along with me over the last four and a half years.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my Canadian friends!

Friday, October 09, 2015

New Archies Reviewed: Episode 6B - Goodbye Ms. Grundy

I'll be honest with you.  I'm actually thinking that I am going to have a hard time writing this edition of The New Archies Reviewed.  If the first part of episode six was one of my favourite episodes, then the last part of episode six is probably my pick as the worst episode of the whole series.  Not necessarily because of the lack of humour, but because it goes to show you how selfish some people can be.  And believe me, it's not the people who you might expect.

So, yeah.  This episode pisses me off.

But, I did promise that I would review every single episode of the series, even if I absolutely hated it, so alas, we've come to Episode 6B:  Goodbye Ms. Grundy.



Waitaminute.  All this time I've been calling her Miss Grundy, and she is actually supposed to be MS. GRUNDY?  Wow, how modern.  Oh well, for the sake of argument, for this and any future entry that I do, she will henceforth be known as MS. Grundy.



So, when the episode begins, we see that Archie's jalopy, Ol' Betsy is sitting on the corner of a residential area of town.  Only it's not Archie's jalopy as he's only 12 in this series and won't be getting his lemon of a car for another four years at least.



Oh, wait.  That car belongs to MS. Grundy.  You see, in Riverdale - at least in the public school sector - teachers make diddly-squat, and it looks like MS. Grundy is drowning in debt.  She's not exactly doing very well.  I mean, if she's driving a car that is over 50 years old and the windshield is being held together with tape, you know that she's not doing well.



Or, maybe her depression comes from the fact that she has a classroom of twenty-four of the strangest, most hyperactive children that one could ever hope to have.  I mean, you have Big Moose lifting up desks with students still sitting in them!



You have Reggie giving Archie a book that apparently has the power to spontaneously combust!

You even have angelic, perfect Betty throwing trash at MS. Grundy's desk!  Seriously, when even Betty is acting out, you know that MS. Grundy's give a damn is busted.  Trust me.  I know the feeling all too well.



Of course, once she sees that Moose is doing something that could potentially kill one of her students, she raises her voice and tells everyone to sit their ass down to take their seats.  And this causes Moose to drop the desk that he's carrying in his arms on the floor which breaks apart and kills the girl that is sitting in the desk.

I'm NOT kidding either.  The girl just disappears after that.  Nice to know that when a student kills another student in her class, MS. Grundy just shrugs her shoulders and thinks "oh, that's nice, don't do it again."

Really, the only comeuppance that Killer Moose gets is a water balloon in the chair placed by Reggie.  Like I'm sure that wet pants is a just punishment for turning a 12 year old girl into chalk dust.



And as if MS. Grundy's day can't get worse, Jughead happens to come in late carrying a gigantic sack filled with something that appears to be moving.  And before Jughead can explain that inside the bag are the things he needs for his biology project, the bag breaks apart and out comes a menagerie of furry and slimy creatures, which makes me wonder what the heck kind of project Jughead could possibly be working on.



Now, apparently we know that two of the animals that Jughead brings are a rabbit and a rat...because Veronica has a hard time telling the two apart until the rat decides to shoo the bunny away. 



We also see that Jughead has brought a lizard which frightens Amani as well as a snake which causes Big Ethel to freeze in fear.  And then Amani and Big Ethel collide with Veronica, knocking all three unconscious.



We also see that Jughead has brought a skunk - okay, where the hell did Jughead think that bringing in a skunk was a good idea - and the skunk decides that he wants to get close to the human skunk Reggie.  Eventually the skunk sends Reggie, Eugene, Moose, and Archie diving out the nearest window while a depressed MS. Grundy contemplates throwing herself out the window stares out the window as a frog jumps on her shoulder.  



This is Grundy's "this job is not worth the $30,000 salary" face.

And just to drill it into our heads just how poor MS. Grundy is, in the faculty lounge, she seems to be having one of those Del Monte fruit cups that have those pieces of peaches, nectarines, and cherries mixed in with them...you know, the fruit cups that fill you up for all of four minutes? 



Ah, but wait.  There seems to be hope!  Mixed in with all of those PAST DUE notices and FINAL NOTICE letters is a letter from a private school for girls.  Apparently the school has heard of MS. Grundy and they feel that she would be a great addition to the faculty.  And of course, MS. Grundy is ready to jump at the chance to flee Riverdale Junior High and go off to do something more meaningful!



Of course, given that Mr. Weatherbee has wanted to make MS. Grundy MRS. Weatherbee since they were twelve, you know that he is definitely not going to take the news well.  And you know what?  Archie, who happens to be standing in the hallway overhears the whole conversation and decides that they do not want MS. Grundy to leave because she lets them play with paper airplanes and set fire to books and kill students in her classroom.



In short, Archie becomes incredibly selfish and decides that he wants to make everyone else in the class the same way.  Archie, I think you've been hanging around Reggie and Veronica too often.



Sure enough, once arriving at Pop Tate's, Archie explains that MS. Grundy could be leaving Riverdale Junior High, and Amani explains that she doesn't want her to go because she lets them get away with murder she's the best teacher they've ever had, and surprisingly enough Betty is on board the Self-Centered Express and takes charge in the "Keep Grundy at Riverdale Because We Don't Want Her To Leave...EVER" plot.  Betty's idea is to get everybody in the class to behave and do their homework and not kill anyone else in the classroom. 



And they even have their own handshake/high-five/group hug to show their solidarity in selfishness.  I mean, for pete's sake, MS. Grundy has the chance to get away from you donut heads.  Let her make up her own mind!



Sure enough, MS. Grundy believes that she is on another planet as suddenly her whole class (minus the one that Moose murdered) is acting like the Children of the Corn.  Seriously, they all do their homework, they answer all the questions correctly, and Reggie is prevented from pulling pranks on everyone.  It makes MS. Grundy very happy...and also very confused.



Why, the kids of the class even know how to do long division!  And everyone knows that 12-year-olds HATE long division!  Seriously, MS. Grundy is about ready to question everything about life.

The dismissal bell rings, and Betty offers to stay behind and clean the blackboards.  While Betty is working on removing the long division problems of death from the boards, Mr. Weatherbee enters MS. Grundy's classroom with what appears to be a stack of papers from one of those retro style print machines known as a dot matrix printer congratulating MS. Grundy on the fact that maybe her students aren't the stupidest students in the whole school because their grades have improved.  Humble MS. Grundy can't take all of the credit because she wants to save the kudos for her self-centered students instead.



And it is here that she makes a bombshell announcement.  She has been so impressed by how well behaved her students are that she has decided to take the job at the private school after all because they don't need her anymore!  The news causes Betty to choke on chalk dust and frazzles Mr. Weatherbee so much that he wraps himself up in the dot matrix paper like a mummy!  Betty is like "after all we did to make ourselves look smart and well-behaved, you decide to ditch us anyway you self centered old goat?".  MS. Grundy nods and says "Yep", and Betty declares "We'll see" as she flees the classroom with Mummy Weatherbee hopping along behind her.



At Pop Tate's, the majority of MS. Grundy's class meets up and Reggie immediately blames Archie for the idea, even though Betty speaks up and tells Reggie to lay off Archie in what could possibly be the worst delivered line ever.  Seriously, it's delivered in such a pitch that it appears as though Betty is calling Reggie "Archie".  But then again, most of the voice actors of the series were between the ages of 13 and 19, so I guess it can be forgiven.

But just as I was thinking that Betty was acting out of character, Eugene comes up with the idea to use reverse psychology on MS. Grundy so that she will be shamed into staying.  Seriously, what the hell has someone put in Pop Tate's hamburger meat to make our normally sane characters turn into Blair Warner from "The Facts of Life"?



Well, I don't have time to speculate on the "what ifs" now because it's time for the farewell assembly for MS. Grundy.  And you know for a farewell assembly, it's really kind of lame.  I mean, it's just a lame banner, Mr. Weatherbee standing on a stage and MS. Grundy sitting down in what appears to be a leftover chair that just happened to be kicking around.  You'd have thought that cheapskate Weatherbee would have at least given her some flowers...well, that is until I remember that Weatherbee probably blew the school budget on Grundy's birthday four episodes ago.



Interestingly enough, Weatherbee seems to be the only person sad to see MS. Grundy go, as everyone else in Grundy's class seems to be happy and secretive.  This tells me that Weatherbee is unsure of what is about to happen. 

What does happen is that not more than thirty seconds into Mr. Weatherbee's powerful speech about how he wants to profess his love for MS. Grundy and how he wants to take her to Vegas to get married how much he will miss her presence at Riverdale Junior High, Eugene literally hops out of his seat with some sort of remote control announcing that whatever was happening was happening now.



Betty and Amani are handing out noisemakers, and Eugene uses the remote control to raise the curtain to reveal some sort of screen that flashes "PARTY" and "BON VOYAGE" behind a very shocked Mr. Weatherbee and MS. Grundy.  I have to say, for 1987 standards, having a screen that seemingly does Power Point presentations is very ahead of its time. 

Meanwhile, the party continues.  Reggie throws water balloons inside the gym that appear to also be filled with soap, as when Big Ethel gets hit with one she starts blowing soap bottles out of her vuvuzela.



A vuvuzela is that horn, by the way.  You know, the ones that overzealous European football fans blow whenever Pele or David Beckham scores a goal?



And somehow Jughead has managed to climb up to the second floor balcony where he throws popcorn balls overhead to hungry students below.  I...uh...WHAT?  Seriously, this is absolutely unbelievable.  Never mind the fact that I couldn't see any visible way to climb up to the balcony...the real Jughead would have eaten all of that popcorn before he even climbed up the first step.

Pod people.  These people are pod people. 



And the King of the pod people, Mr. Weatherbee, is an epic fail at being a disciplinarian - which totally contradicts the way he is in the high school era comics.  I'm guessing that this was the moment in which he finally snapped.

After all, the love of his life is the one who eventually shoves Weatherbee out of the way and screams at her own students to stop the displays of anarchy once and for all.  Wow, I guess Grundy must be a good teacher after all, even though she witnessed Moose killing one of her students earlier in the week and did nothing about it.

But then I think that even MS. Grundy must be a pod person herself, as she makes an announcement that makes me pissed off.  She is so appalled that her class is a bunch of evil beasts that she is staying at Riverdale Junior High to piss them off even more, and to make their lives a living hell.



Only, she doesn't realize that this was what her class wanted all along.  She basically gave up a nice, cushy, rewarding job to spend the next years of her life with these self-centered froot loops who will continue to not do their homework, set things on fire, and other horrible things. 



Oh, but Archie and Eugene got what they wanted, so they're laughing at how selfish they are.

Now do you understand why this episode pisses me off?  I mean, yes.  MS. Grundy is an important character in this series, and yes, it was fairly evident that somehow she would end up staying at Riverdale Junior High anyway.  But the way that the kids went about doing it was wrong, wrong, wrong.  They didn't really care about her feelings at all.  It was all about them and what they wanted and who really cared about MS. Grundy anyway.

Now, let us have a moment of silence for the girl that Moose killed, since she was more or less forgotten about.  I'm not sure what your name was, and I really don't remember if you did anything other than allow yourself to be picked up by a 31-year-old pretending to be twelve, but you made a contribution to the show, and your brief moment in time will forever be missed.



Rest in peace, girl in the desk.

So, this week's entry was my least favourite episode.  Next week's is probably my favourite episode of The New Archies.  So, it balances out.