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Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Today's Tuesday Timeline Is Abbreviated...

Sorry I haven't been on here in a while.  I spent most of the weekend battling a stomach virus that came out of nowhere, and I am still not feeling the greatest.

As a result, I'm posting an abbreviated Tuesday Timeline entry.  While I did have a topic planned, I am in no condition to elaborate more.  So until I feel better, you'll have to settle for this instead.

Today is November 24.  Let's see what sorts of things were going on in the world at that time.

1429 - Joan of Arc unsuccessfully besieges La Charite

1859 - Charles Darwin publishes "On The Origin Of Species"

1877 - Anna Sewell's "Black Beauty" is first published

1913 - Actress Geraldine Fitzgerald (d. 2005) is born in Ireland

1917 - Nine members of the Milwaukee Police Department are killed following a bomb blast

1932 - The FBI Scientific Crime Detection Laboratory officially opens

1950 - Three hundred and fifty people are killed during the "Storm of the Century", which saw violent snowstorms erupt over most of the Northeastern United States

1962 - "That Was The Week That Was" - a British satire programme - was first broadcast on the BBC

1963 - Jack Ruby fatally shoots Lee Harvey Oswald - the man responsible for the assassination of John F. Kennedy two days earlier - at the Dallas police headquarters

1969 - The Apollo 12 command module splashes down into the Pacific Ocean, ending the second manned mission to land on the Moon

1971 - A hijacker who went by the name Dan Cooper (also known as D.B. Cooper) parachutes from a plane with $200,000 in ransom money - he has not been seen since

1973 - Because of the energy crisis of 1973, the national speed limit on the Autobahn is reduced temporarily

1974 - Donald Johanson and Tom Gray discover the "Lucy" skeleton in Ethiopia

1991 - Queen lead singer Freddie Mercury passes away at the age of 45, just one day after publicly revealing that he had AIDS

2001 - A plane crash near Zurich, Switzerland kills La Bouche singer Melanie Thornton as well as two members of the Eurodance group Passion Fruit

2005 - Actor Pat Morita passes away at the age of 73

2012 - At least 112 people lose their lives when a fire destroys a Bangladesh clothing factory

And for celebrity birthdays, we have the following people turning one year older; Mordicai Gerstein, David Newell, Pete Best, Billy Connolly, Steve Yeager, Shane Bourne, Roscoe Born, Rachel Chagall, Glenn Withrow, Denise Crosby, Alain Chabat, Amanda Wyss, Garret Dillahunt, Brad Sherwood, Shirley Henderson, Christian Laflamme, Colin Hanks, Katherine Heigl, and Sarah Hyland.

So, once I feel a little better, I'll finish this entry off the way it was supposed to be finished.  In the meantime, it's back to Saltines and ginger ale.

And no...I'm not pregnant.

Friday, November 20, 2015

New Archies Reviewed: Episode 9B - The Prince Of Riverdale

Okay, so I was a little bit rough on the last episode of The New Archies Reviewed post.  I initially wasn't planning on doing so, but when I re-watched the first part of episode nine, I had no idea how horrible the episode was.  I get it was supposed to be a spoof of "Teen Wolf", but the whole thing was just one contrived plot point after another.  It actually made an episode of "Days of our Lives" look like a William Shakespeare play, and that's hard to do!

So, right off the bat, episode nine isn't looking so good.  I'm almost afraid to look at what the second half of the show is.



Episode 9B:  The Prince of Riverdale.  Sounds promising.



Wow.  There's a huge limousine heading down the main street of Riverdale!  At first, I thought it was Veronica heading down to Bixby's or Fjordstrom's, or whatever department stores exist in Riverdale.  But upon closer inspection, we see that there's a man who kind of looks like Colonel Mustard from "Clue" with his monocle and mustache.  Of course, he's not.

I mean, he is a Colonel, but I think his name is Colonel Grootz, or something similar to that.  They never write his name down, so I'm just guessing at the spelling.

Anyway, the reason he is here is because he is the official escort of Prince Ethelbert (again, spelling may not be exact, but I'm only guessing), who is in town to give a speech.  It's not very often that a prince comes to visit a small town like Riverdale, so you know that the whole town will be in attendance.



Oh, and did I mention that Prince Ethelbert looks a lot like Archie Andrews?  Oh, goody, the whole doppelganger episode where two people switch places to see how the other half lives.  We've been down this rodeo before in practically every cartoon series ever made.  But, since I did promise to review every episode of this show, I have to keep my word. 

Anyway, as expected, Prince Ethelbert is not very happy being a royal representative...especially since he is very young for a prince.  I'm guessing he's supposed to be the same age as Archie.  In fact, the person playing Ethelbert is basically Archie's voice actor butchering a British accent.  And, while he wants to go out into the world and be a regular kid, stuffy Colonel Grootz is insistent that he straighten up and fly ride.



But when Ethelbert happens to glance out the window of the limo and spots Betty and Veronica walking home from cheerleading practice, he gets a little bit annoyed at Colonel Grootz's overbearing nature and tells him that he's fired and that he can expect to be beheaded when they return home to stop the car so he can get out.

Of course, Grootz has got his tighty-whities in a twist about Ethelbert's rebellion, but Ethelbert insists that he will be back before the scheduled meeting with Mr. Weatherbee at Riverdale Junior High to discuss the speech.  And a sputtering Grootz watches with anger as the prince goes it alone.

And who should the prince happen to meet first but his exact double?



Yes, Archie Andrews is busy practicing his basketball skills, and I must say that he's not bad.  Why is he so good in sports when he's in junior high, but a total klutz in the teenage years?  This...makes...no...sense!!!

But then I tell myself, it's only a cartoon.  Only a cartoon.

Anyway, Archie soon discovers that he has a fan in the form of Prince Ethelbert, and immediately the two hit it off.  After all, they are completely identical in every wa...

...no, scratch that.  Look closely at their faces.  Archie has freckles.  Ethelbert does not.

Anyway, once the prince formally introduces himself to Archie, Archie makes a confession to the royal...he admits that he wishes he knew what it was like to be a prince, and he suspects that he would have a life of luxury and not have to worry about anything.  Ethelbert remarks that being a royal representative is not easy and that he would give it up just to be a regular pre-teen for just a few hours.

You know where this is going...Archie and Ethelbert decide that it might be fun to be each other for a little while, just to see how the other half lives.  But of course, there's the whole face thing.



But Archie decides to remedy that with...coloured pencils?  What?!?  Coloured pencils?  I mean, oil pastels, maybe, but coloured pencils?  Did the animators even do their research?  Okay, I suppose they could be make up pencils, but what twelve year old carries make up pencils on them at all times?  I tell you.  Episode nine...worst episode ever, okay?

Sigh...so Archie takes out his Laurentian #10 pencil - Photo Brown - and draws freckles on Ethelbert's face, even though in real life it would be impossible.  And Ethelbert grabs Laurentian #14 pencil - Natural Flesh - to erase Archie's freckles off his face, even though it would be even more impossible.



Then they stare at their reflections in a puddle and realize that even though this should not work, it probably will, and nobody will ever tell the difference because everybody in Riverdale is stupid.



And after they go inside to change clothes, Colonel Grootz is amazed to see Prince Ethelbert in a better mood.  Look at him skipping down the street!  Of course, we all know that Ethelbert is actually Archiebert, but Grootzie doesn't need to know that.



Seriously.  That's what Archiebert calls him.  Awesome.  Oh, and despite the fact that Archiebert has a perfectly good American-ish accent, Grootz is none the wiser.  Boy, he really is sheltered.

Anyway, the royal posse arrives at Riverdale Junior High to meet with Mr. Weatherbee, and Archiebert proclaims that before he makes his speech, he feels the need to make himself more relatable to the people.



And that's why he stops off at McDonald's on the way to the school to buy enough Big Macs to supply to his adoring public...all on Grootzie's money, of course.



Wow...this episode is actually worse than the last one. 



Outside of Pop's, Jughead and Reggie are talking about the prince and his generosity, and Reggie makes the observation that nobody else has made during this whole episode at all!  That Ethelbert looks like Archie.

And speak of the devil, here comes Archie Andrews now.  Only it's not really Archie.  It's Prince Ethelbert in a Archie Halloween Costume.  Let's call him Bertie.

Oh, but don't worry.  Bertie isn't the only one whose name is messed up.  He actually calls Jughead "Jarface", and Reggie "Veggie", which prompts Reggie to grab him by the collar and threatens to knock him out.



Which then prompts Bertie to grab onto Reggie's nose like a set of pliers and twist and turn it until he cries uncle.  To be honest, this sight gag would have worked a lot better had Jughead been the victim of Bertie's rampage, but considering that this is the best scene of the whole episode, beggars can't be choosers.



Of course, Bertie happens to catch a glimpse of Betty and Veronica walking by and decides that rather than spar with Jarface and Veggie, he'd best serve his time trying to arrange dates with both of them.  Wow, Bertie's doing a better job being Archie than he thought.



In fact, Bertie seems to have made an enemy out of Reggie, who wants vengeance for humiliating him in front of everyone.  Why do I get the feeling that we're going to see a Reggie prank later on in this episode?

Back on Main Street Riverdale, Archiebert has successfully drained the treasury of the royal family by giving everyone in town free pizza, and at this point, Grootzie has had enough of this royal pain.  He drags Archiebert into the limo and physically sits on top of him so that he won't escape.



Seriously, that's what he does.  Grootzie has just stepped into creepy predator territory here folks.  No wonder Ethelbert wants to escape!

But Grootzie won't let him go that easily.  Despite Archiebert's insistence that he isn't good at writing speeches because MS. Grundy gave him the C minus in English class to prove it, Grootzie insists that he do it.  After all, his upcoming arranged marriage is fast approaching.

W...WHAT?!?  Prince Ethelbert is getting married at age 12?!?  To someone he doesn't even know?  Sheesh, what crackpot royal monarchy is this?



Oh, and here's a photo of the lovely Princess Bertha.  I hate how some shows take a photo of a person and purposely make fun of it because they don't fit society's definition of beautiful.  But since this is a cartoon, I'll let it slide this time.  Archiebert is upset because he didn't have a say in this, even though he's only been acting as prince for twenty-five minutes, but Grootzie says that he'll learn to love her, especially since her halitosis and dandruff have improved.

Wow...Grootzie should totally go work for eHarmony.  And Archiebert is realizing that maybe being Archie Andrews isn't so bad.

And Prince Ethelbert is soon realizing that life as Archie Andrews isn't so good either after meeting someone who puts the fear of God into him.



Why, hello, Mr. Andrews!  Nice to see you making your one and only appearance in this series!  And look!  Mr. Andrews is telling his son to do his chores!  Wow, Mr. Andrews must be the worst dad in the world if he can't recognize that the person in front of him is his own son.  Or maybe Archie's coloured pencils really are that magical!

Oh, and naturally, since Bertie is used to a live of privilege, he tells Mr. Andrews to stuff his chores, which causes Mr. Andrews to blow a gasket.  Yeah, I bet Archie won't be happy to learn that his new royal friend has gotten him grounded until the 21st century!



The action shifts over to the Lodge Mansion where Ethelbert and Grootzie are to escort Mr. Lodge and Veronica to the event by horse drawn carriage.  Okay then.  Archiebert calls out to Veronica, who...also doesn't recognize him.  Oh, COME ON!  It shouldn't be that hard to tell Archie and a prince apart!  Seriously, did Grootzie spike the water supply with stupid pills?



Apparently so because in the distance, Jughead and Reggie have gathered a bunch of barking dogs together.  Reggie plans on doing an experiment that would make Pavlov proud.  His goal is to taunt the dogs with food so that they will get all excited.  Then when Archie arrives at the Lodge Mansion, he'll release the dogs out towards the carriage carrying the prince, spooking the horses, tipping over the carriage, and somehow blaming Archie for the whole thing.

Yep.  Told you.  Stupid pills.



So, at some point, Bertie comes running up towards Lodge Mansion (how he found the place, I don't know) with an angry Mr. Andrews chasing him.  Bertie than finds Archiebert and complains that he's making him do chores!  How dare he teach a royal prince some responsibility! 

Meanwhile, NOBODY NOTICES THAT ARCHIE AND THE PRINCE LOOK LIKE TWINS!  Mr. Lodge doesn't even seem concerned at all about it.  He's more shocked that Mr. Andrews is even there.  Excuse me a minute.

*bashes head on desk repeatedly to try and make sense of this stupid episode*

Okay, I'm done.



Seeing that both Archie and the prince are there, Reggie releases his trap, and soon we see Archie, Veronica, Mr. Lodge, Grootzie, and the prince jump on the carriage (or in the case of Archie, hanging from the back of the carriage), speeding towards the park where the speech is being given.



There is a minor funny sight gag where MS. Grundy is leading the band, and when the band sees the out of control carriage coming towards them they all run away while Grundy is still conducting.  Fortunately, Grundy gets out of the way before the carriage crashes and gets wrecked.

Interestingly enough, we never see Veronica, Mr. Lodge, or Grootzie for the rest of the episode.  My guess is that they all broke every bone in their body and have now been mummified.  Don't worry, Veronica will recover.  I can't say the same for the other two.  In fact, let's call it.  Grootzie is dead.



And, Archie and Ethelbert realize that they'd rather be themselves and get changed back.  Right in the middle of the park.  Looks like neither one of them really care about indecent exposure.

So, Ethelbert gives his speech, and everyone is happy, and Archie is relieved that he didn't have to give the speech after all.  But when Jughead makes a casual remark about how great it would be to be a prince, Archie screams and runs away.  Okay, given what he went through, I'll give him a pass.



But seriously, guys...episode nine was what you call an epic fail.  Both tales were boring, made no sense, and were painful to watch.

I'm hoping Episode 10 is much better.  I almost gave this feature up after this episode!  

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

November 17, 1980

Well, after a couple of days off, it's back to the blog once more.  And today, we're going to be doing another Tuesday Timeline entry!  I have to tell you, I love doing these things!

In today's case, we're going to be making this one music themed.  It's got to do with an iconic album that didn't initially take off when it was first released...but after a tragic event became one of the biggest albums of its time.

But I've said way too much about that. 

As always, before we launch ahead with today's chosen topic, we should probably get a gander at what was happening in the world on the seventeenth day of November throughout history.  Off we go!

1511 - Henry VIII concludes the Treaty of Westminster

1558 - Following the death of Queen Mary I, she is succeeded by her sister, Elizabeth I, commencing the Elizabethan era

1603 - Sir Walter Raleigh goes on trial for treason

1800 - The United States Congress holds its first session in Washington, D.C.

1820 - Nathaniel Palmer becomes the first American to see the frozen continent of Antarctica

1863 - The Siege of Knoxville begins during the American Civil War

1896 - The Western Pennsylvania Hockey League began play at Pittsburgh's Schenley Park Casino

1925 - Actor Rock Hudson (d. 1985) is born in Winnetka, Illinois

1947 - An anti-Communist loyalty oath is implemented by the Screen Actors Guild

1962 - President John F. Kennedy inaugurates the Washington Dulles International Airport

1966 - Singer-songwriter Jeff Buckley (d. 1997) is born in Anaheim, California

1968 - Football fans all over the eastern United States are angered when the conclusion of the Raiders-Jets football game to air the television movie "Heidi" on NBC

1973 - Richard Nixon famously utters the phrase "I am not a crook" in retaliation to him being linked to the Watergate scandal

1982 - Reforms are made in the sport of boxing following the death of Duk Koo Kim as a result of injuries sustained during a match against Ray Mancini

1993 - The United States House of Representatives passes the resolution to establish the North American Free Trade Agreement

1998 - "Good Times" actress Esther Rolle dies at the age of 78

2000 - A devastating landslide takes place in Slovenia, causing millions in damages and killing seven

2010 - Talk show host Jimmy Kimmel hosts the first "National Unfriend Day"

2014 - "What Becomes of the Brokenhearted" singer Jimmy Ruffin dies at the age of 78

And a very happy birthday goes out to the following famous faces; Robert Brown, Fenella Fielding, Rance Howard, Gordon Lightfoot, Martin Scorsese, Lauren Hutton, Danny DeVito, Lorne Michaels, Roland Joffe, Petra Burka, Howard Dean, Butch Davis, Stephen Root, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, William R. Moses, RuPaul, Jonathan Ross, Ralph Garman, Kate Ceberano, Daisy Fuentes, Sophie Marceau, Tab Benoit, Ronnie DeVoe, Leonard Roberts, Leslie Bibb, Brandon Call, Diane Neal, Zoe Bell, Rachel McAdams, Isaac Hanson, Sarah Harding, Katie Feenstra-Mattera, Hollie Smith, Harry Lloyd, Raquel Castro, and Ruby Jane Smith.

I tell you...November 17 must have been celebrity birthday central!  Holy birthdays, Batman!

Okay, so let's see what date we're going back to this week.



Ah, November 17, 1980!

Obviously 1980 was a year in which I do not remember.  At all.  Mainly because for the last part of the year, I was a fetus.  And, looking back on 1980, I'm kind of glad that I missed out on it.  It was a year in which Mount St. Helens blew a gasket, Led Zeppelin broke up, and where a massive summer heat wave killed 1,700 people all over North America. 



And as the year 1980 came to a close, we saw any hopes of a full-fledged Beatles reunion fade away forever when on December 8, John Lennon was shot and killed in front of his New York City apartment.  He was just 40 years old.

Tragically, his death came just three weeks after he released what would be his final album while he was still alive.  An album that was initially panned by critics, but managed to surge in popularity by the beginning of 1981.  In fact, "Rolling Stone" has ranked this album as the twenty-ninth greatest album of the top one hundred albums of the 1980s.  And at the 24th Annual Grammy Awards ceremony, this album won "Album of the Year".

Not bad, considering that the album itself only had three major single releases.  But, I guess you could consider this album a collaborative work between Lennon and wife Yoko Ono, who collaborated together on the album.  I guess you could say that both of them had the dream of releasing an album together that acted as a musical dialogue between husband and wife.

That fantasy came true on November 17, 1980 when the album was released.  I guess you could call it a "double fantasy".



In fact, that's what they called the album itself!  And thirty-five years ago today, "Double Fantasy" was first released!

Now, this album was the first album that Lennon had released since the birth of his son Sean in 1975.  And it wasn't until a fateful outing in the summer of 1980 that Lennon made the decision to release another album.  He was on a sailing trip from Rhode Island to Bermuda, and while they were out at sea, a strong storm struck the area, making the conditions of the water very choppy.  They were so bad that the majority of the crew that sailed along with Lennon became ill.  Lennon was one of the few on board who didn't feel any symptoms, so he ended up taking the wheel of the ship for a few hours.  During this time, he really began contemplating about how life was so short, and how empowered he was in the middle of the ocean and how it was from that experience that all of these song ideas came to him.

John and Yoko collaborated on "Double Fantasy" together - the first time in eight years that they had worked together on an album - and recruited the help of producer Jack Douglas to put the whole thing together.  Not only did they release enough songs to fill "Double Fantasy", but they had enough songs left over for another album's worth of material - which would eventually become the 1984 album "Milk and Honey".

The duo signed with the newly formed record company Geffen Records in the fall of 1980 after David Geffen made it a point to speak with Yoko Ono first, citing her contributions to be equal to Lennon's.  And in October 1980, the first single from the album was released.



(JUST LIKE) STARTING OVER
Released:  October 20, 1980
Peak Position on the Billboard Charts:  #1 for 5 weeks

This song admittedly is an interesting one because when I first heard it years after it was released, it seemed like Lennon was taking the singing styles of several artists and blended them together to make it his own.  It was like I was hearing Buddy Holly, Roy Orbison, and even a little bit of Elvis Presley.  And, apparently that was the whole idea.  The first track was personally chosen by Lennon himself because he felt that it was the best track on the album, but also the song title was symbolic.  After all, this was his first solo release since 1975.  In a way, this song was meant to be his comeback song, even though Lennon had never really left the music industry.  Oh, and the reason why "Just Like" is in brackets?  Well, that was added in to distinguish this song from Tammy Wynette's "Starting Over", which was also released in 1980.

Now, initially, the song seemed to stall on the charts.  It made Top 10 status in late November 1980, but it didn't really seem to take off.  After all, some critics who reviewed "Double Fantasy" were less than kind in their observations, stating that the album wasn't Lennon's best work, and that people weren't nearly as enamored with Lennon and Ono as they seemed to be themselves.  Ouch.

But then the events of December 8, 1980 happened, and with Lennon's death came an outpouring of grief and pain.  But it also meant that people were more interested in Lennon's music than ever before.  Within three weeks of Lennon's passing, the song "(Just Like) Starting Over" topped the charts, and in 1981, this song reached #2 - the first one released after Lennon's death.



WOMAN
Released:  January 12, 1981
Peak Position on the Billboard Charts:  #2

I'm gonna be honest.  This is probably my most favourite John Lennon song ever recorded.  I absolutely love it.  If ever I get married (and that's a big if), I can easily see making this my wedding song. 

And, it seems as though Lennon had intended to make this song the second single release, having greenlit the choice days before his passing.  It was also a song that ended up being #1 in the UK.

Interestingly enough, Lennon had commented that the song "Woman" was meant as a follow-up to a song he released with The Beatles in 1965 called "Girl". 

Of course, one looks at the video for the song that was released, and it's easy to tell that "Woman" could be considered a love letter from John to Yoko...and I can only imagine just how heartbroken she was to lose her husband in such a horrible way.

One final song was released from "Double Fantasy", and while it wasn't as big of a hit as "Woman" or "(Just Like) Starting Over", it is worth mentioning.




WATCHING THE WHEELS
Released:  March 13, 1981
Peak Position on the Billboard Charts:  #10

This song is Lennon's way of confronting all those who mocked him while he was on hiatus for being a "househusband".  After all, he did spend those five years taking care of Sean.  And, again, while the song wasn't a huge success, it still made Top 10.  Quite a good song, matter of fact.

But perhaps what is haunting about the final release from "Double Fantasy" is the photographer who took the photo for the cover art of the single was the same photographer who ended up taking one of the last photos of Lennon when he was alive.  It was the photo of Lennon signing an autograph on the cover of his "Double Fantasy" album for a fan - who turned out to be the man who would kill Lennon just hours later.

I don't even want to reveal the killer's name, but when this man was arrested for the murder and taken into police custody, he kept repeating the line "People think I'm crazy" - a line which was a lyric from "Watching The Wheels".  In 1991, the English band EMF had taken the recording from Lennon's killer and inserted it into their song "Lies".  But when Yoko Ono found out about it and protested, the line was cut out of future pressings.

You know, it's been thirty-five years since "Double Fantasy" was released - and this coming December will be thirty-five years since we lost John Lennon.  And you know, it doesn't make it any easier.  Lennon was definitely a musical legend who was just beginning a new start in his musical endeavours.  He certainly didn't deserve to die the way he did. 

But even though he's gone...he left us with such musical gifts that I don't think he will ever really fade away.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

The City Of Lights

November 14, 2015

It can be absolutely shocking just how quickly the world can change in the blink of an eye.  48 hours ago, the citizens of Paris, France were enjoying their every day lives, and now as I type this, a series of attacks have killed at least 129 people, and injured many others.  Millions of people in Paris, France are now in mourning, and trying to pick up the pieces in what is considered one of the worst terrorist attacks to take place in a major city in Europe.



My thoughts go out to those who did lose loved ones in Paris on November 13, 2015, and to the entire country of France.  Know that millions of people all over the world are feeling your pain, and we wish that there was more that we could do for you.

What happened was a senseless tragedy, and I know I'm not alone when I say that I want swift justice to be implemented towards the cowards who orchestrated these attacks.

But I think that I also want to use this space to give you some words of wisdom.

Don't let these attacks prevent you from traveling outside of your comfort zone.  Don't let these attacks prevent you from seeing the world.  That would be letting the bad people win, and nobody wants to see that.  It's easy to get bogged down with negativity, especially when that's all that the 6 o'clock news seems to focus on.  But the world is still a fantastic place, and there is still a lot of good within it.

Don't fear the bad people.  Fear makes them stronger.  We definitely don't need that. 

And, to the citizens of Paris, know that I and millions of others are standing by you. 

When I think of Paris, France, I think of the nickname that the city has held for what seems like decades. 

The City of Lights.

And, on November 13, those lights dimmed a little bit lower, and weren't as vibrant as before.  Some may have wondered if there was even any point of putting any lights on in the first place.  Despite that, I don't believe that light has completely gone away.  I think that light has always been there.  And while it may take months - even years - for people to be able to even begin to make sense of what happened...that light will forever be there.



And it is everybody's individual lights that will make Paris shine brightly once again.



That much I know is true.

Friday, November 13, 2015

New Archies Reviewed - Episode 9A: I Was A 12-Year-Old Werewolf

The one regret I have with The New Archies Reviewed segment that I started this past summer is the fact that I began it two weeks late.  Had I started this two weeks earlier, this entry would have been posted the day before Halloween, which given the subject matter would have been so very much appropriate.

But you know...today is Friday the 13th.  I suppose that if I can't have this written on Halloween, this day is the next best thing.

So, this is the "Teen Wolf" spoof episode of "The New Archies", and while I can't say that this one was as memorable as the 1985 film starring Michael J. Fox, it's still a very weird way to spend eleven and a half minutes of your time.



This is Episode 9A:  I Was A 12-Year-Old Werewolf.  And look!  The title is in a colour other than white!  How special!



Now, this is interesting.  Riverdale Junior High seems to be the site of a special karate demonstration!  That's quite cool!  I wonder who they have performing the karate moves?  Chuck Norris?  Ralph Macchio? 



Oh, wait.  It's just Reggie.  But to Reggie's credit, he is quite skilled in karate, having the ability to break a whole bunch of boards on the stage.  I took karate off and on for four years, and I never learned how to do that.  I can cut through a brick of styrofoam though!  So, um...yay me!



Two people who aren't impressed are Archie and Jughead, and they heckle Reggie worse than most people would heckle a really terrible stand-up comedian.  Two other people who aren't having any of it are Betty and Veronica, who actually take Reggie's side!  How often does that happen?



Reggie, obviously irritated that Archie and Jughead are stealing all of the attention away from him gets angry, and tells both of them off, to which Archie sarcastically remarks that Veronica is probably going to ask Reggie to the Halloween costume ball later on that night, and proceeds to egg Reggie on further.

Yep, you can tell that they're in junior high.

Of course, Reggie constantly brags about how good he is, and how dangerous his karate moves are, and how awesome he is.  In short, he's being typical Reggie.  And Archie decides that if Reggie is so awesome, he'll have no problem going to some random cave on the outskirts of town where some mad scientist has a secret laboratory.

I swear, I am not making this up.

Naturally, the thought of exploring some mad scientist's lab on Halloween night makes Reggie want to die of fright...which of course makes Betty and Veronica freak out with excitement.  Seriously, it's like Betty and Veronica see Archie and Reggie the same way that millions of "Grey's Anatomy" fans looked at Dr. McDreamy and Dr. McSteamy.  It's really kind of pathetic.



Especially when Veronica announces that if Archie and Reggie both go to the mysterious lab and come back alive, she'd take both of them to the dance.  Way to whore yourself out there, Ronnie.

So, we flash forward to the night.  Archie and Reggie are there, and just for moral support, they bring Jughead, Moose, and Eugene with them.  After all, any one of those three could be considered easy fodder for monsters, zombies, and vampires.



Or, owls apparently.  One of them happens to fly right past them, scaring all five of them to the point where they end up crashing into each other. 



Right off the bat, Reggie and Archie are having second thoughts about continuing this adventure...at least that is until Eugene remarks that if they turn back now, Betty and Veronica will laugh at them and humiliate them so badly that they will never want to leave the house ever again!  That right there is the motivation they need to keep moving.



A bolt of lightning flashes through the sky and the group of five arrive at a cave, which they believe is the secret lair of our crazy scientist.  I know they mention his name, but I can't remember what it is.  I think it's something like Frightenstein, or some variation of Frankenstein, but they can't actually say Frankenstein because of copyright laws or something.  Anyway, they all turn on their flashlights and explore the cavern.



It doesn't take long for Archie to get separated from the crowd as he finds a trick wall that sends him into a secret room where there's a lot of dusty bottles, a lot of dusty medical equipment, and the dusty corpse of what I presume is our mad scientist.  But since Emily Deschanel was only eleven when this episode aired and "Bones" was still decades away from being created, I doubt we're going to find out who the skeleton belongs to.

Besides, Archie doesn't have time to worry about anthropology now.  A hidden door opens up, and Archie is soon attacked by...a two and a half foot robot security guard carrying a butterfly net.  I don't know what I find more sad...the fact that the robot guard is supposed to be the top-notch security system for a secret lab, or the fact that Archie is absolutely scared out of his mind of something that looks like it would be found in the 1988 Sears Wish Book.



The robot chases the wimpy Archie around the room for a bit before Archie trips over his shoes and crashes into a giant shelf sending hundreds of old bottles cascading over him.  The liquid inside the bottles gets all over Archie, and Archie is wondering what is inside those bottles.



As Archie is trying to escape the room, get a look at his hands.  I'm sure they didn't look like that before!  Maybe the rumours of a mad scientist were true after all.  Fortunately, Archie manages to escape the room before the harmless robot could throw a net over his head.  Glad he escaped that "danger"!

But something's definitely not right, and as Moose, Eugene, Reggie, and Jughead realize that Archie has disappeared, they are at first relieved when Archie calls out after them.



And that relief lasts all of about four seconds before everyone screams in terror and runs away.  I wonder why.  Archie seems to be scared of toys, it's not like he...



...OH MY GOD, HE'S A WEREWOLF!  Mind you, he looks about as scary as "My Pet Monster", but still...he's turned into a giant 12-year-old werewolf!  But how the heck did he end up with brown hair?  I hate to get technical, but shouldn't his hair still be red?

Whatever.  Archie starts howling like a werewolf, gets scared, and runs off.  Geez, Archie must be a wimp if he scares himself.



And somewhere in the distance, a frightened Jughead Jones stops in his tracks and decides that he has to go back to save Archie.  Eugene is initially impressed by his bravery until Jughead admits that Archie still owes him five bucks.  Ah, the power of friendship.



Jughead returns to the cavern and calls out for Archie hoping that he's at least well enough to be able to give him back his money.  Archie responds by jumping on top of Jughead and verbally cursing him out for abandoning him.



But before Jughead and Archie can do any more talking, there's a group of people approaching with candles and lanterns and pitchforks.  Archie exclaims that it's just like the movies where a posse is out to kill him with silver bullets.  My question is - this whole transformation literally took place ten minutes ago.  How could word travel that fast?  This was set in 1987.  The Internet wasn't exactly available to everyone!



Alas, Archie and Jughead run away from the scene, and somehow end up in Archie's neighbourhood where the talk shifts towards the Halloween dance.  Now, I would think that Archie should probably just go the way he is because who could resist a realistic looking werewolf costume?  But Archie's mother already slaved away for three whole months trying to put together the perfect costume for Archie, and she has the calluses to prove it, and it would break her little heart if Archie didn't wear it, so Archie comes up with the idea to climb up the drain pipe on the side of the house to grab the costume even though he has a perfectly good one on.

You know how well that works.  The drain pipe falls off the house, and Archie somehow crashes onto the roof of a police cruiser.  And when the policeman is about ready to arrest who dented his car, he gets the shock of his life.



See the policeman scream and run away!  See Archie look confused.  See Jughead wish that he had done a cameo on "Jem and the Holograms" instead.

So, Archie and Jughead decide to go to the dance to kill some time while figuring out how to get Archie back to normal.  But what's interesting is that while they are talking, the full moon in the sky gets covered by clouds.  And once that happens, Archie's facial hair begins to shed.  I guess Archie's werewolf self is only at full power when the moon hits his eye like a big pizza pie.



That may be amore for most people, but it totally destroys Archie's idea of going to the dance as a werewolf.  But still, despite this setback, Archie's main focus is going to the dance so that he can steal Veronica away from Reggie. 

Good lord, this episode is so much worse than I remember it.

But without a costume, what's a 12-year-old werewolf to do?



Well, at the school gymnasium, we see a whole bunch of people who are dancing up a storm, including Reggie (who wore his karate gi) and Veronica, who is apparently dressed up as Pocahontas.  But Reggie and Veronica quit dancing when they see Jughead dressed up as a pirate and his date is apparently Big Bird from Sesame Street.



Oh, wait.  That's actually a turkey costume.  And inside the turkey costume is Archie, which leads to a lot of lame turkey jokes on Reggie's part.

Hilariously, Archie tries to attack Reggie, but the animation makes it out like Archie is going to peck Reggie into the ground.  And while Reggie is boasting that he could snap Archie's drumsticks, Archie taunts back that he saw Reggie run away from the cave like a screaming sissy schoolgirl.



Reggie doesn't like that blow to his ego, so Reggie tells Archie that Veronica likes him more, which causes Archie to bark like a dog and growl.



Nobody understands why Archie has seemingly developed verbal tics and is losing his mind but when Jughead notices that the moon is in full view, he get scared.

And so does Archie, as he flaps across the gym in a panic, causing Reggie to scream "COME BACK HERE YOU, YOU, TURKEY!"

Is this episode over yet?



So there's a chase scene in which were-turkey Archie hides in a classroom while Reggie is chasing after him.  And when Archie is in the classroom, he is concerned that when Veronica sees him as a werewolf, she'll never dance with him.  Priorities, Archie.  Priorities.



Reggie is now outside of the classroom door where he yells at Archie to come on out and take his lumps like a man.  But Archie soon discovers that he has the power to scare people and he growls at the door.



Reggie kicks down the door (which would likely get him expelled from school, to be honest), runs towards werewolf Archie, and almost as quickly runs away.

But at that moment that Reggie darts out of the room, Archie's fur falls compeletely off and he is relieved to know that the solution that turned him into a werewolf in the first place finally wore off.



Veronica comes into the classroom and asks Archie was was going on, and believes that she saw him covered in fur.  Archie tells Veronica that Jughead's turkey costume was full of mould, and that's what she saw.  Yeah, that'll make her kiss you!



It's almost a happily ever after story until Jughead makes some lame comment about how Archie should teach Veronica the funky turkey dance, and an angry Archie chases after a laughing Jughead.

Oh.  My.  God.  I thought no episode would be worse than Goodbye, Ms. Grundy, but this one is absolutely a turkey of an episode.  No pun intended.  This whole episode was horrible from start to finish.  I absolutely hated this one, and I am so glad that I never have to watch it again.

Hopefully the next episode is better.  Let's see...

...Archie meets a prince who looks just like him, and they trade places.  Oh, goody.  A doppelganger story.  We know how much I LOVE those.

Episode 9 is looking like a bad episode all around...