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Tuesday, March 27, 2018

To Kid or Not to Kid?



I believe the children are our future.  Teach them well and let them lead the way.

All right, all right.  I'm totally plagiarizing Whitney Houston here.  But in a way, she's right.  The children that we bring into the world are our future, and they will be the ones who will see the world into the next era. 

I can easily see why that would be one reason why people decide that they want to have a baby.  After all, the idea of creating a seed to expand the family tree is one way to keep family history alive.  But of course there are so many other reasons for having children.  Children are the symbol of the love between two people.  Children are the light of the future.  Children bring joy and happiness to people who are around them - well, okay, that's the case MOST of the time. 

I just have never really felt like one of those people.

As far back as I can remember, I don't think I've ever really felt any desire to be a parent in any way.  I mean, don't get me wrong.  I like kids.  I like being goofy around kids.  I love being an uncle.  And, frankly, I'm still considered a big kid at heart.  I mean, let's face it.  I'm nearly 37 and I STILL watch cartoons.  Well, the good ones, anyway.

I just don't ever see myself having a child of my own.

I suppose this is going to be one of my personal blog entries where I talk about my hopes and dreams of the future, so if you want to see pop culture, you probably might want to skip this one.  But if you're like me, and you're contemplating whether you want to or don't want to be a parent, you might be interested in hearing the thoughts of a guy who is currently there.

Before I get into the specific reasons why I don't think I see myself becoming a parent, I want to talk about another issue related to this that makes me see red.  I'm talking about the people of the world who choose to be childless and who consistently get attacked by either family members or pro-child people who call these people selfish for choosing not to bring children into the world.



Yeah, can I have what you're smoking so I can permanently destroy it so that nobody else can spout the tripe that you keep spreading?

First of all, it is nobody's business why a person chooses not to have a child, and it is up to them to decide whether or not they choose to share the reasons why.  I certainly don't have to make my reasons public, but I am choosing so because I want others to understand that they are not alone.  Besides, there might be medical issues that prevent some from having children biologically, and I think it's a little insensitive to call these people selfish for not having kids when in actuality they have no choice in the matter.  So, yeah.  Stop judging others on their decisions and we will, in turn, stop judging you on yours.

Capice?  Good.  Let's continue.

I've thought about why I don't seem to feel like I want to have children of my own, and when it boils down to it, I can think of four reasons why I would want to stay childless.



The most obvious one is the fact that as a male, I cannot get pregnant.  Well, unless you're Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I try to forget that movie was ever made.  Last time I checked, I'm pretty sure that I would need a partner of the opposite sex to procreate with.  Unless fifth grade sex ed class lied to me the whole time.



I am currently unattached.  And honestly, at this stage in my life I am perfectly okay with that.  I don't want to be coupled for the sake of being coupled.  For one, that mindset would only ensure that my relationship would last maybe a few months at the most.  I'm certainly not against finding love with someone, but I'm also at the point where I don't want to settle for just anybody.  I'm of the mindset where if it happens, great.  But if it doesn't, that's equally great.

I also firmly believe that one should never have a child just for the sake of having a child.  Let's face it, having babies is a full-time commitment that requires you to make many sacrifices and spend a whole lot of money. 



And that leads into reason #2 as to why I don't want kids at this time.  I don't nearly have enough income to warrant having a child.  I basically make enough money to keep up the house, pay bills, and maybe once a year I have enough left to splurge on something that I really want (like buying a new iPod to replace the one I broke four months ago that it literally took four months to save up for).  Add a child to the mix, and I simply can't do it.  Even with any government benefits that a child might be entitled to, I still wouldn't be able to provide a child with the life that they absolutely deserve, and it would not be fair to bring a child into the world that I can't afford to take care of.  Maybe in the future something might happen and things will be more stable in that regard.  Right now, there's no chance in hell. 

And, I suppose that at this time, there's an even bigger reason why I don't want to have children.  And at this point, it would be the main reason why.

I don't think I'm emotionally ready to have them.  I may never be ready.

But I'm coming to terms with the fact that right now, I'm okay with it.  I've come to terms with the fact that my brain is wired differently from most other people, and I have come to terms with the fact that I process emotions way differently from most people.  But I also have come to terms with some truths that may impact the way that I would interact with a child of my own.



Because of the way my brain is wired, I probably will never learn how to drive a car.  And for those soccer moms and dads out there, you all well know that having a license is practically a necessity for parents.  So, there's a strike against me. 

I'm also extremely socially awkward around people and it takes me a good six months to a year at times before I even work up the courage to open up to people.  When you're bonding with a child, you NEVER have that luxury.  So, I feel that's another strike against me. 

And, I suppose on a purely selfish level, there's a part of me that doesn't want to bring a child into the world with my genetic make-up because I honestly feel that the last thing the world needs is another me.  Self-esteem is something that I've always struggled with, and it would honestly break my heart if any offspring of mine had to go through the same stuff that I went through.  I didn't know how to make it stop back then, and as an adult, I'm honestly thinking that I still don't how to make it stop.  I guess in a way, having children biologically scares me to death.  And I'm not even the one who has to give birth to it!

Now, that being said, I'm not discounting the idea of ever being a parent.  Maybe in a few years from now, I'll change my mind.  But as of right now, I don't think that I will be ready to have a child of my own. 

Besides, if the cards don't fall that way and the time comes that I really want to be a parent, there are other options that are available.  Adoption, being a step-parent, joining Big Brothers.  I don't have to have any blood relation in order to be a positive influence to a child.

But still...I'm going to have to do a lot of work on myself before I can make that commitment.

And a partner.

And a job that pays a lot more than I make.

Yeah, you know something?  Let's call the whole thing off.  

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Recapping One Day at a Time - Episode 8 - One Lie at a Time

Here we are with Recapping One Day at a Time!  We're at Episode 8 - One Lie at a Time.  I am sorry for it being a day late - my computer was having trouble formatting my document and I had to type it all over again.  But on with the episode.  It seems as though the theme of the episode is all about dishonesty, and I'm guessing that the whole cast will have at least one secret or another to hide.  Let's see what happens.



It seems as though Penelope has big plans for tonight, as she is all dressed up as if she has a very special date.  Penelope tells her family that she is excited to meet this new guy.  Let's just call this "Lie #1".

It appears as though Penelope isn't the only one who has plans as well.  Lydia has plans to go to church for the evening.  Hmmm...that sounds suspicious, especially since it doesn't look like this episode takes place on a Sunday or Easter weekend.  Why don't we call this "Lie #2"?

Alex initially has plans to do a lot of stuff, but when Penelope realizes that Alex hasn't even started his homework yet, she makes him stay home, and Elena is forced to babysit him - much to her dislike.  But Lydia seems to think that this is a good idea, as she can use the time to select which person she plans on taking to her quinces.  Yep.  I told you that Elena's quinces would be a season long event.



At least it's not too long to discover why Penelope told Lie #1.  She's actually at a local community college with Jill, as she has taken Jill's advice and has enrolled in the female veteran support group that Jill told her about when she sold Penelope her car.  To me, this is an important first step in her healing process, but she has to keep it a secret as Lydia is against all forms of therapy.

After the opening credits, it's time to meet the leader of the group named Pam and...



...oh my goodness!  It's Mackenzie Phillips!!!  For those who watched the original series, she played the role of Julie in the original "One Day at a Time".  She even opens her introduction by joking about how everything is being remade at the movies!  You know what would have been cool?  If they named her character Julie.  Hey, I wonder if Valerie Bertinelli will ever appear on this show?



Anyway, it seems as though Pam is doing a good job with leading the group, and we meet another member of the group, Ramona, who tells the group a fascinating story about how she sometimes mistakes rush hour traffic in Los Angeles for being out in the field at war.  Yeah, she's going to be a handful to watch, I'm sure of it.



When it comes time for Penelope to share her feelings, it seems as though she's a little bit shy.  Luckily, she has a loudmouth friend named Jill to crack open her tough exterior, and Penelope admits that she has a hard time accepting the fact that she is at a group where she needs to discuss her problems.  Her reasoning being that they are Cuban, and in her family, they don't believe in therapy.  She proves this by telling them a story about her cousin who wears her underpants outside of her clothes.  Now, granted, this would be considered odd in most circumstances.  But then again, I have to state that both Batman and Superman had no problem wearing their briefs over top of their tights.  Just saying.  At any rate, it seems as though this is going to be good for Penelope.  So let's leave her for now and see what everyone else is doing.



Okay, unless the church that Lydia is going to is in Atlantic City, I think she's waaaaaay overdressed.  Ah, I'm thinking this is the birth of where Lie #2 is going.  But of course, Lydia's grandchildren don't seem to notice.  Alex is too busy doing his homework, and Elena's binge-watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" on her laptop.

Which I suppose is a good thing in retrospect because who should arrive at the front door of the Alvarez residence than Dr. Berkowitz in a fancy suit!  Whoa!  Somehow Lie #2 just got a lot more spicy and scandalous!  Especially since it appears as though Lydia just doesn't want anyone to know that she's "seeing' Dr. B.



I say "seeing" because it appears as though Lydia has agreed to be Dr. B's strictly platonic escort to the theatre, since both of them like to go, but don't like to be alone.  It's a good foundation for friendship at least, and Dr. B. insists that he is okay with whatever relationship they have.  Awww...that's sweet. 



Well, at least it is sweet until Lydia slips and falls.  At first she is upset that one of her favourite shoes has the heel broken off of it...but when she tries to stand up and realizes that her ankle is hurt...amusingly she finds more pain in her broken shoe!  Quintessential Lydia!



Back at the apartment, it appears as though Elena has informed Alex that she has chosen an escort for her upcoming quinces.  It's a guy by the name of Josh Flores, which instantly makes Alex excited.  Partly because Josh is considered to be one of the most popular guys at their school, and as a result, Alex feels the need to impress him.  Though this kind of throws Elena's plan out the window.  She purposely asked a popular boy in hopes of him saying no so she could get out of the date commitment - but since Josh said yes, she's pretty much stuck.

But there's still one thing that needs to be resolved.  Elena's potential feelings of affection towards the same sex.  Elena tries to explain to Alex that she doesn't really know if she likes girls, but she also doesn't really know if she likes guys either.  She kind of explains her feelings to Alex using broccoli as a metaphor for boys and cauliflower as a metaphor for girls, but after working with fresh produce at my job eight hours a day, I could stand to avoid any and all vegetable references in this episode.



But this is where Lie #3 is born.  Elena wants to see what sex she likes best, so she's invited Josh over to the apartment to do some studying.  Yeah, like they're actually going to be looking at actual books.  But she sends Alex to Schneider's while she hangs out with Josh - meaning that she and Josh will be alone in the apartment without adult supervision.  Under no circumstance is this ANY good!  But let's see what happens.

Back at the therapy group, Penelope is enjoying herself.  In fact, she's enjoying telling personal stories from her time out on the field so much that she keeps the group twenty minutes past the time allotted!  Whoops!  But you know something, I don't think Pam cares.  After all, the group is for sharing experiences.



And sure enough, after the group is over, Penelope breaks down in tears.  But not because she's upset...she's actually experiencing joy over having a group of like-minded people with the same experiences she went through to vent to - people who truly understand her, are sympathetic and empathetic towards her.  It's a truly remarkable scene, and I'm really happy for Penelope.  This is truly the first big step she has made towards recovery, and she did it all on her own.  Nicely done!



Interestingly enough, we see Dr. B. and Lydia at the clinic where Dr. B. and Penelope work after hours, as Dr. B. is tending to Lydia's foot.  And it's here where we get to bear witness to another lie by Lydia - Lie #4, we'll call it.  Man, how many lies are we going to have in this whopper of a tale?  It all comes about when Dr. B. starts asking Lydia about her medical history, and Lydia casually mentions that she had a stroke a few years ago and didn't tell anyone!  Um...er...WHAT?!?  She kept the stroke a secret?  How is that even possible?!?  Even Dr. B. seems floored by this revelation.



Mind you, everything turned out well and she made a full recovery - which she proves by pretending she's either a French mime trapped in a box, or Madonna circa 1990.  You know, I should still be typing out my disbelief, but I'm too busy laughing at Rita Moreno in this scene that I'll just let it go.

Truth be told, she's more upset at the fact that she has a hammertoe than she is at having lied about having a stroke!  Um...yeah, let's see what everyone else is doing.



Penelope is still holding onto Lie #1, telling Elena on the phone that her date went well.  Well, since she went to therapy and it went well, maybe we should change it to Half-Truth #1.  But over on Elena's side, Lie #3 is burning so brightly you might need sunglasses to see the next scene.

Josh is sitting on the couch with Elena, and he seems to be really into her.  To Elena's credit, she also seems to enjoy his company as well, though given how she has been having identity issues regarding her sexuality, I imagine that deep down inside she is a bundle of nerves.  But Josh seems to make her feel comfortable.  In fact, Josh actually confesses to Elena that he has had a crush on her all year and was hoping to go out with her!  Cue more confusion for Elena and...



...well, you know, the fact that she kissed Josh certainly seems to have sparked a lot of internal conflict for Elena, who admits that the kiss wasn't horrible, and she goes in for another one.  So, maybe Elena could be considered a bisexual?  Either way, I think it's an interesting story that is sure to have some more twists down the road.  And Isabella Gomez is playing the part with such sensitivity and maturity as well.  It's really such a great show to watch.



And over at Schneider's, Alex is on Schneider's laptop looking up information on lesbians...which unsurprisingly is one of the autofill options on Schneider's Google Page!  Fortunately, Schneider confiscates the laptop before Alex can find out some truly naughty information not fit for a twelve year old boy! 

But it's here where Alex tells Schneider a truth instead of a lie because when Schneider tries to asks why Alex wants information on lesbians, Alex accidentally lets it slip that Elena has been questioning her sexuality - whoops! 



And then Alex lets it slip that Elena is alone in their apartment with Josh which is an even bigger WHOOPS!  In fact, Schneider grabs Alex and barges into the apartment in time to get a full on view of Elena and Josh trying to suck each other's lips off!

Naturally, Schneider tells Josh to leave the apartment, which he does - without taking his jacket!  I sure hope it's not too cold outside!  And it is here where all of our little lies become unraveled.



First of all, Elena is furious with Alex for not only telling Schneider about having Josh over, but about how she is questioning her sexuality, but Alex insists that it was all an accident and that it just slipped out.  Schneider explains that the secret will be between the three of them - which could classify as Lie #5.  Keeping track here?  Schneider also explains that he only came over after Alex told him that she was alone with a boy...



...right at the moment Lydia and Dr. B. arrive.  Whoops!  Alex inquires about Lydia's limp, and Dr. B. and Lydia keep Lie #2 going by saying that she fell in church and she just happened to run into Dr. B. at their Catholic church because even though he's Jewish, he loves church.  Um, yeah.  That's a smooth save.  Luckily for Dr. B., he retreats to the kitchen to fetch Lydia some juice so he can stop explaining himself to the obviously stunned Alvarez family.  To Schneider's credit, he agrees to carry on Lie #3 somewhat and tries to tell Lydia nothing happened between Elena and Josh, but Lydia calls Elena a sex fiend.  Ouch!



I suppose this would be a great time for Penelope to arrive home from her therapy group.  When Lydia explains what happened, it becomes clear that Penelope is NOT happy and is about to tear a strip off Elena for lying to her...



...when she notices Dr. B. coming out of the kitchen holding a glass of apple juice.  He awkwardly hands over the juice to Lydia, and this prompts Alex to tell Penelope that they met each other at church which at first causes Penelope to laugh about it.  But then she notices that both Lydia and Dr. B. are in fancy dress and she puts two and two together, and well...



...yeah.  There's that look!  A look of shock and disgust all rolled into one!  Penelope figures out pretty quickly that Lydia and Dr. B. went on a platonic date, hereby outing Lie #2 in all its scandalous glory.  Well, as scandalous as the relationship between Lydia and Dr. B. could get anyway.



Alex tries to change the subject by asking Penelope how her date went, but before Penelope can answer, Jill arrives and tells Penelope that she left her cell phone in her car, which sparks a rather interesting reaction from the rest of the family.



What's even more hilarious is that Elena reacts with shock - even though she herself is going through her own sexuality struggles.

Jill tries to explain that they were at therapy together, but Penelope is still grasping at straws to hold onto Lie #1, so because of that, Jill hastily tells Lie #6 and states that therapy is actually the name of a new night club.  Wow, even the guest characters are telling lies here and there. 



After Jill leaves, Lydia goes on the attack and yells at Penelope for going to therapy, and Dr. B. tries to calm her down as she had a history of stroke.  And with Penelope's reaction, I think it's safe to say that Lie #4 is out in the open with Penelope being rightfully stunned that Lydia would keep her stroke a secret for nearly fifteen years!  Man, the family that lies together stays together, huh?

At this point, Penelope kicks Schneider and Dr. B. out so she can have a family meeting.  Penelope is upset that Elena lied to her, to which Elena attacks Penelope and Lydia for lying, and when you stop and think about it, Alex is the only one who never told a lie this whole episode.

Elena apologizes for lying to Penelope, and even though Penelope still grounds her, she accepts the apology.  Penelope also scolds Lydia for lying to her and schedules a full physical for her...but NOT with Dr. Berkowitz because she's now made that weird!  Lydia is still upset with Penelope for going to therapy, but Penelope explains that it was a really good thing, and she needed to do it to help her heal emotionally.  Once Lydia hears this, she even admits that she made the right choice.  I'm thinking Penelope can really help Lydia become more modernized...well as modern as a Cuban immigrant can be - which will be the subject of Episode 9 that'll be posted next week.



But we conclude the episode with Penelope having a heart to heart talk with Elena about Josh, and Elena admits that she has decided to take Josh as her date for her quinces, and Penelope seems pleased that Elena seems to really like him.  Of course, we all know that it's more complex than that. Time will tell what happens next.  In the meantime, Elena's got a date for her quinces, which is good.



And Alex has swiped Josh's jacket, which is creepy.  But that's the end of another great episode of "One Day at a Time".  As always, here's some of the best lines from the episode.  Enjoy!

ELENA:  It's like...I've never tried broccoli.  So I can't say for sure that I don't like broccoli.
ALEX:  We had broccoli last night for dinner.
ELENA:  It's a metaphor, Alex.  Broccoli means boys.
ALEX:  Oh, I see.  But it's not like you tried girls before either.  Sorry, I mean...I guess, cauliflower?
ELENA:  That's because cauliflower is a lot harder to find.  I mean, how many girls do you know like cauliflower?
ALEX:  None.  Although Finn is pretty sure Denise Falto does because she didn't want his Skittles.  Skittles just means Skittles.

DR. B:  Any allergies?
LYDIA:  Allergies are not a real thing.
DR. B:  All right.  Uh, any history of serious illness?
LYDIA:  Never.  But if I ever get one, my Cuban blood will eat it and absorb it into nothing.
DR. B:  There's not a checkbox for that.

ALEX:  Wow.  I just typed in L-E-S and it filled in "bians" and then a lot of other stuff.
(Schneider runs and slams the laptop Alex is using shut)

ALEX:  I'm just confused because Elena said she might like this dude, Josh.
SCHNEIDER:  So?
ALEX:  So...nothing.
SCHNEIDER:  Wait a minute.  Alex, are you saying Elena might be gay?
ALEX:  Uh...no.  Because it's a secret.  She just said she might like girls, but she might like boys too.  Don't worry.  We already had the broccoli-cauliflower conversation.
SCHNEIDER:  That's smart.  But...what did your mom say?
ALEX:  She doesn't know.  Nobody knows.  You can't say anything.  Elena will kill me.
SCHNEIDER:  Okay, don't worry.  I won't.  Even though I have so many questions like when did she know?  And what is the broccoli-cauliflower conversation?

LYDIA:  You were in therapy?
PENELOPE:  No, I was on a date with a woman!
LYDIA:  Mentira!  Therapy is for the locos.  I told you that you would lose your mind taking those antiperspirants!  

Friday, March 16, 2018

Recapping One Day at a Time - Episode 7 - Hold, Please

Just like that, we're more than halfway through the first season of "Recapping One Day at a Time".  We'll be through this series in no time at all.  And because it's been renewed by Netflix for a third season, we'll be revisiting this series sometime next year!  How cool is that?

I hope you've been enjoying this series as much as I have.  We're on Episode 7 - Hold, Please.  And while the plot might seem like a dull one, there are a LOT of secrets revealed within the Alvarez family.  Consider this to be an episode of truths, so to speak.



And we begin with one harsh truth for a lot of veterans who have come home from combat.  Penelope is on hold with Veterans Affairs - an organization designed to help veterans book medical appointments and counseling services - and based on the fact that she has snacks around her and an entire load of laundry to fold, I take it that long waits on the phone are common.  Penelope's shoulder is acting up and she needs to book an appointment to get it looked at because if she doesn't, she will be in tremendous pain.



Now granted, if we were to sit and watch Penelope scarf down Cheetos and gummi bears while waiting for someone to pick up the phone, it would be a boring episode, so we have to have some B-plots to keep the episode going.  For instance, Lydia is annoying Elena with the insistence that she choose an escort to take with her to her quinces.  Elena wants to make the decision herself without any pressure, but Lydia keeps shoving her yearbook in her face pressuring her to pick someone.  Lydia even threatens to set Elena up with her cousin, who in Elena's words "smells like a Dorito that died in a pool of Axe body spray".  Yeah, I can see why he's such a catch.



There's also a street fair going on in the neighbourhood and Penelope's new friend, Jill, has already been down there - apparently spending forty bucks trying to win that cheap plastic lightsaber toy that she's playing with.  While she hides it in Penelope's apartment so that Schneider doesn't steal it, Jill and Penelope talk about how frustrating it is to be put on hold with the VA, and how Penelope has been waiting to get in touch with Jolene to have her book the doctor's appointment.  I can sense the frustration in Penelope's voice too.



And after Jill leaves, someone comes on the telephone line and Penelope, having the phone on speaker mode, rushes towards it to give the woman her account number...but she slips and falls, and the commotion causes the woman on the other end of the phone to put her back on hold.  How frustrating.



We also get to meet Alex's friend, Finn, when Schneider drops both of them off at home after their baseball game.  It's been said that Finn is a bit of a smart ass and that Penelope doesn't quite understand why Alex would hang around him so much.  It's a bit clear as to why that is when Finn seems to act with a little bit of sarcasm towards Penelope, but later on in the episode, you'll see exactly why Penelope has a right to be concerned.  But, I don't want to give away too much.



Lydia is concerned to see Penelope in so much pain, so she grabs the bottle of painkillers that Penelope has been prescribed (notice how Finn and Alex are present when this takes place), and insists she takes them.  Isn't this the same woman who nearly had a coronary when she found out that Penelope was taking anti-depressants?  Maybe Lydia is coming around and becoming more aware that the world has evolved since she fled Cuba all those years ago?  But then I think about how she's pressuring Elena to choose someone to take to her quinces, and I think that maybe she has a way to go yet.  But good for her for at least trying to understand Penelope better.

Alex and Finn are on their way to the street fair, and Schneider announces that he too is going to be making an appearance...



...as one of the members singing and performing at his yacht rock band.  Unless they plan on singing old Captain and Tennille songs, Schneider just looks totally out of place with that hat! 



With everyone's plans in motion, they all leave the apartment as the speaker phone comes on and Penelope is happy that she can finally get the appointment made.  Unfortunately that excitement turns into frustration when the person on the other end of the phone thinks her last name is Phillips instead of Alvarez.  And when the person on the other end of the phone accidentally hangs up on her, it's enough to make Penelope take a bit of a fit on the couch.  Yeah, great customer service there, VA.



So after a while, Penelope gets back on the phone with the VA, she is put on hold one more time listening to the "please, hold music" on the speakerphone, and she is resorting to licking the cheese dust off of the empty bag of Cheetos because she doesn't want a single crumb to go to waste.  I guess this is a good time to reveal a secret of mine - I do the exact same thing! 



A pre-recorded message about preventable accidents plays while Penelope waits which cues in rather nicely with an injured Schneider being dragged into the apartment by Lydia and Dr. Berkowitz!  Seems that Schneider's college friends don't exactly get along as well as they used to, and Schneider got whacked in the eye by a decorative anchor!  See, a more believable story would have been a person in the crowd attacking him because yacht rock sucked, but hey, not everything in sitcoms can be believable, right?  I mean, just watch any episode of "Family Matters" after Steve Urkel changes into Stefan Urquelle to see what I mean.



Penelope wonders why Dr. B. is there, and Dr. B. explains that when he gave Penelope permission to take half a day off work to make the appointment, he thought he would do the same.  He explains it with a YOLO, and it makes me realize why I find the expression YOLO so incredibly annoying!  Dr. B. later explains that he wanted to go to the street fair.  Fair enough.  But why is Lydia with him?

Well, it's not until Penelope takes Schneider to his own apartment to fix his eye (after she tells Lydia to listen for the phone in case the VA picks up) that we get our first secret reveal.  It seems as though Dr. B. has developed a little bit of a crush on Lydia, and how he was so touched that she was so nice to him at his birthday party a couple of episodes ago.  It doesn't seem that Lydia feels quite the same way as Dr. B. does, but Lydia does acknowledge that he is a good friend at least.  Aw.  It's an almost love connection!  It's actually really funny that the music in the background changes from standard music to a love song while all this is happening!  Could this be foreshadowing?  Hmmm...



The two even bond over their shared and separate medical issues as they toast with glasses of water and pills.  My gosh, I hope when I turn 70, I don't have to take that many pills to stay alive - but I suppose it's an inevitability.  Though a funny moment does arise when Penelope comes back home, sees the scene, and Lydia explains that she and Dr. B. were only taking drugs together!  Ha!



It seems as though Penelope has done what she can do for Schneider as he appears at Penelope's door wearing an eyepatch.  Schneider is also determined to restart his yacht rock band by turning it into a pirate rock band.  Oh, sweet Jesus, Schneider, just let it go already!

Everybody leaves the apartment to go to the street fair and Penelope finally gets through to the VA which transfers her call to Jolene.  She is initially excited and she does a dance in celebration...



...until she gets transferred to a guy named Tad who has absolutely no clue what Penelope is talking about.  See, this is where the frustration lies for Penelope.  This is an organization set up to help veterans lives get better and yet it's filled with poor communication, staff members with little to no training, and lots of red tape to slice through.  Because before Tad will even help her, he tells Penelope that she has to fax the referral given to her by her primary physician - despite the fact that Penelope e-mailed it to them two months ago.  This is the same kind of crap that people dealing with medicare companies have to go through every day due to lack of funding, and it makes me angry that people have to go through so many hoops just to get treatment. 



At least there's a fax machine just five minutes away at a nearby convenience store, and Penelope uses the opportunity to buy a ton of candy bars to get her through the day without killing someone.  After passing over the phone call duties to Elena, she runs off.  And Elena manages to grab the half a bag of Cheetos that her mother did NOT eat and takes her snack to her room waiting for someone to pick up the phone.



When Elena retreats to her room, Finn and Alex return and they see that Penelope has left her pill bottle out on the table.  And this is where we learn that Finn is a bit of a moron.  He plans to have Alex steal some of Penelope's painkillers so that they can sell them to their classmates for more money to spend at the street fair.  Whoa.  Bad idea.  Very, very bad idea. 



But unfortunately Alex is at the age where peer pressure can be most tempting, and after Finn leaves, Alex grabs the bottle and seriously considers listening to Finn.  But then he hears Elena coming out of her room and he quickly disappears, bottle in hand, and hides out in Lydia's quarters, pulling the curtain shut behind him.



It is this moment that we learn the MAJOR secret of the episode.  And, no...it's not that she eats Cheetos just like her mom.  While Elena is waiting for Tad or Jolene or anyone to pick up the phone, pre-recorded messages urge the person on hold to talk about their problems, and Elena drops a bombshell.  She is under pressure by everyone to pick a boy to take her to her quinces...but Elena is questioning whether she even likes boys.  She even makes the claim that maybe she might like girls better.  Whoa...so Elena's questioning her own sexuality and she's afraid that her Cuban-American family headed by her God-loving Abuelita might not understand.  This has the makings to be a great story to tell.



Unfortunately, Elena might have to explain herself before she's ready when she hears a strange sound coming from behind the curtain.  And when she opens it up, she finds Alex with Jill's lightsaber in one hand, and Penelope's pills in the other.  Hoo boy.  Looks like BOTH Alvarez kids have something to explain to each other.



Of course, both are upset.  Alex is upset that Elena thinks that he is getting into trouble by stealing their mom's pills, and Elena is mortified that Alex heard her potentially coming out of the closet.  But it seems as though Alex has had a change of heart regarding Finn's plan, and puts the pills back.  And when Alex throws his full support to Elena and tells her that he will be there for her no matter what, it leads to a nice bonding moment between them.



And that moment ends when Jolene finally comes on the speaker phone and both Alex and Elena struggle to keep her on the line until Penelope gets back, which causes Elena to hilariously pretend that she is Penelope.  It's cringeworthy to see Elena try to act like her mother, but somehow it does the trick as Penelope returns just in time to intercept the call.

Unfortunately, Jolene seems to be in no mood to help Penelope.  In fact, Jolene actually tells Penelope to call back on Monday because she is late catching her bus and she has to go.  Oh, boy...I can see this not ending well.  For Jolene.  In fact, this leads to an epic rant by Penelope against Jolene and against the VA.  And I think this deserves to be written in Penelope's own words.  



PENELOPE:  Well, then, walk me through it, Jolene.  Because I don't understand.  What I do understand is I went to war, I got hurt.  And when I came back, there was supposed to be an organization set up to help me and the other veterans get the help we need.  So I don't get why it's so hard to make a simple appointment.  And I'm one of the lucky ones.  My husband has bad knees, a bad back, and traumatic brain injury.  He's not getting help.  Partly because he's a stubborn ass, but mostly because of this insane process.  And because he's not getting help, he almost did something stupid.  I lost someone in my unit because she did do something stupid.  So, please, enlighten me, Jolene, as to why helping soldiers is less important than catching your goddamn bus.

Whoa.  That was definitely what TVTropes calls "The Reason You Suck Speech".  And Justina Machado delivered that soliloquy brilliantly.



Too bad Penelope is put on hold by Jolene again which causes Penelope to throw her phone on the floor in anger.  Damn, I'd be angry too, but smashing your phone on the floor won't get you put through any quicker.

But as a dejected Penelope begins to clean up the mess, Jolene comes back on and announces that Penelope's appointment has been booked for next Monday.  And with that, I think everyone is thrilled...especially Penelope.  Now, I'm not saying that screaming at your customer service representative will get them to do something for you, but the way that Penelope passionately argued her case - hell, if I was Jolene, I'd definitely make sure Penelope got what she wanted!  It's also a great way for the show to demonstrate just how hard veterans struggle to reintegrate themselves back into society, and how the system definitely needs to be overhauled to make it better for them.



I just wish it didn't end with Schneider singing off key to Toto's "Hold the Line".  I mean, I can see why yacht rock and pirate rock didn't last.

That's it for Episode 7.  As always, we'll end with some of the funniest lines from the episode.  Have a look!

LYDIA:  Then use your phone and Chapsmat somebody.
ELENA: You don't understand social media.  Abuelita...
LYDIA:  No, no, no.  Of course I do.  All you have to do is find a boy and twat at him.
ELENA:  I hope you mean "tweet"?
LYDIA:  "Twat", "Tweet".  Same thing.
PENELOPE:  Not the same thing, Mami.

JILL:  I try to never deal with the VA.  I stopped calling them about my punctured eardrum.
PENELOPE:  That seems like a bad plan.
JILL:  Oh, thanks.  I got it on sale.

WOMAN ON PHONE:  Did you know that over 40% of trips to the emergency room are caused by preventable accidents?
PENELOPE:  That seems high.
(Schneider enters holding his eye.)
PENELOPE:  What happened?
SCHNEIDER:  It was a totally preventable accident!  We were setting up for the show and our keytarist threw a decorative anchor at me.
PENELOPE:  Okay, I'm sorry you're hurt but it sounds like I just missed the best part of your show.

LYDIA:  Estrogen replacement to keep me young!
DR. B:  For my cholesterol so I don't die!
PENELOPE:  What's going on here?
LYDIA:  Nothing!  We're just taking drugs!

Stay tuned for next week.  The title of the next episode is "One Lie at a Time".  Sounds intriguing.  And it comes with a very special guest star!