This is normally the time
of the week where I would go through my list of requests and choose
one to feature in what is known as the All-Request Wednesday.
But here's the problem for
this week. I actually didn't get any requests for this week at all.
It's okay though. I knew looking ahead into the future that I would
have some weeks that would be slower than others when it came to
asking for requests, so I had to come up with a back-up plan in case
I had a week where I had no requests.
And, well...I figure that
if I didn't have any requests to honour for today for other people, I
would instead do a request for myself. So today's request comes from
Matthew T. of Ontario, Canada!!!
(Yeah,
that didn't sound lame or weird, did it?)
Oh
well.
Truth
be told, I've been trying to find the right words to use in regards
to something that has been weighing on my mind for a while. I hemmed
and hawwed about this particular topic because I was kind of worried
that if I talked about this subject, I might end up alienating some
people, or hurting other people's feelings.
It's
only now that I realize that the only person whose feelings I was
hurting was me. And, I think that if I talk about what it is that is
on my mind, it will hopefully help clear a few things up, and it
might give me a better perspective on my life, and how I handle the
people who happen to pass through it. Maybe by talking about my own
experiences, it might help other people who are afraid to share how
they feel speak out.
So, I
suppose that for this week, you're going to have back-to-back diary
entries. I just hope that you all are game for it.
July
31, 2013
It
isn't very often that I do a diary entry on Wednesday. Normally I
would be doing this the day after. But when the request well dries
up, you do what you have to do. That's not to say that I haven't
given up on requests. I love hearing ideas from my readers because I
really want this blog to be all about them, and I want them to have a
voice in what they want to see in this space.
However,
I do admit that I'm a little glad that the requests were a little
slow this week because it's given me a bit of a rare opportunity.
It
gives me the opportunity to be one hundred per cent brutally honest
about something that has always bugged me throughout my lifetime, and
I haven't had the courage or the chance to address it...
...until
now.
Before
I begin though, I do wish to state a little bit of a disclaimer. For
any of you who are regular readers of this column, I want to stress
that these thoughts likely don't apply to you. After all, I have so
much love and admiration for all of you out there reading this now
because it shows me that I have the possibility to truly make what I
do an actual career goal one day. Your continued support and
interest in this blog has made me very humble, and I really
appreciate it every time you read even just one of these entries.
I
just wish that in my experiences through life, I could have that same
level of support, compassion, and the occasional bit of constructive
criticism if needed surrounding me in my real day-to-day existence as
I do here on this blog.
That's
not to say that the majority of people I deal with on a day-to-day
basis are evil, callous, spiteful, and cruel. That's just silly
talk, and it couldn't be further from the truth. I get along with
mostly everyone...well...on an level of acquaintanceship that is.
And
I suppose it goes back to my feelings on friendship. You've probably
heard me mention this before, but I probably take friendship more
seriously than the average person does. But that's only because in
my own experience, finding friends has not always come easy. I'm an
expert in finding acquaintances and casual relationships, yes. But
when it comes to finding people who I can share my deepest, darkest,
most intimate secrets with...that's been the challenge.
And
part of the reason why this has been a challenge for me is because in
past experiences, I have gotten burned by people who took advantage
of me, or used my friendship against me in some manner. Even now, I
still find myself falling into the same traps. I would get close to
someone, and they would be nice to me back long enough for me to do
something for them, and then once I “outlived my usefulness”,
they'd ditch me and move on to the next patsy. Mind you, this is
most certainly a very frustrating experience to go through, and one
that I really don't want to lather, rinse, or repeat any time soon.
But, in my 32 years of living, I've gotten better with trusting
people. I'm still a smidgen bit cautious, but it's a learning
process that we fine tune throughout our entire lives.
But
there's one type of person out there in this world that I really
absolutely have no use for, and it's hard for me to admit this
because not only have I had former friends who have been guilty of
this, but teachers and admittedly some family members have
unknowingly done this.
What
am I talking about?
I'm
talking about people who choose to see me as a cause, or a pet
project, rather than a friend. And, forgive me for my “not quite
salty enough” language here, but people like that really piss me
off.
I
guess my dislike of people who do this dates all the way back to
first grade, where I had a teacher who basically tried to change
everything about me from showing me how to hold a pencil the “right”
way to making sure that I was walking on my flat feet (despite the
fact that it physically caused me pain to do so at that time). And
the thing is that she didn't exactly do it in a way that really
helped me. She shamed me, and humiliated me in front of the whole
class, and for me, that was inexcusable. A teacher should not do
that with any child. I needed a teacher who would teach me what a
fraction was, or what the capital of Canada was, or how to draw a
picture of a porcupine. I didn't need a teacher who made me feel
worthless and less of a person because she tried to shame me into
doing everything that she wanted in an effort to make me seem
“normal”.
Lemme
get one thing straight. One, you can't put a definition of the word
“normal” on one specific person. Everyone has their own idea of
what normal is. And when I was in the first grade, my normal was
walking on my tiptoes. So, I didn't really appreciate the fact that
a TEACHER was going out of her way to change my idea of normal as if
she was competing on a game show. With the way she went about it, it
was like she was going to win a quarter of a million dollars for
making me “normal”. It was just absolutely petty and tacky on
her part.
And,
it set the tone for my relationships with people to come.
Truth
be told, there's always a little sliver of doubt that lingers in my
mind whenever I have the chance to meet and befriend new people. I'm
the first to admit that I have great difficulty finding people that I
can trust because I have had so many people come into my life who
have mistaken my friendship for neediness. To some people, it almost
appears that I'm one of those people featured in those “Feed the
Children” commercials that you might see on television. They see
me as a cause, rather than a person. They see me as someone who
needs saving when a lot of the times, I'm not even aware that I had
anything that needed to be saved.
It's
very frustrating to deal with people like that, and honestly, I'm
over it.
By
now, most of you know that I am single. And, admittedly, a lot of
the reason why I am still single is largely due to the trust issues
that I have with people. This is something that I have readily
admitted to in the past, and happily, I'm finding a way to open up my
heart to people once more. But that being said, I don't really like
the fact that I have had to deal with people who claim that the
reason why I am single is due to the fact that I have some sort of
personality disorder, or some sort of brain disorder, and sending me
links to various support groups for people who have autism (and yes,
there have been people who have done this to me). That's not cool.
Friends don't do that to people. Friends may offer constructive
criticism on how to dress to impress, or friends may set you up on a
blind date, or friends might have some suggestions on how to up your
game in the romance department. Friends should never suggest that
your lack of romance is due to a chemical imbalance, or something
similar. That's just uncalled for.
Oh,
and to the former friend who kept talking down to me as if I were
still a child and suggesting that I had some unresolved “growing
pains” holding me down....what the hell were you thinking with a
comment like that? Seriously, F-you. You telling me that is
incredibly rude and thoughtless, and I thought that I would have
expected better from you in that regard. You're supposed to build
people up, not tear them down. Oh well...lesson learned, I suppose.
The hard way, mind you, but lesson learned. You tried to change me
by shaming me, and making me feel worse about myself...and had I been
a little bit more weaker, you might have succeeded in changing me for
all the wrong reasons. Fortunately, that didn't happen.
I
guess somewhere along the way, I grew tired of people who were trying
to bring me down to their level. And, I grew sick of keeping friends
who weren't really “friends”.
Again,
I have nothing against constructive criticism. It's when people try
to change me as a way to make themselves feel better that I get
really upset and angry. And, that's why I wanted to write about this
today. I get the impression that I have some people in my life who
see me as nothing more than a cause. I feel that there are some
people in this world who want to do their best to change me and
sculpt me and mould me into someone else just because. The
unfortunate thing (and I am sure that some of you can relate to this)
is that once they succeed in their changes, they don't often stick
around very long after that. And, that can be damaging to anybody's
psyche.
I hate to use the television show "Saved By The Bell" as an example, but there's one episode that I can think of that demonstrates my point. In one episode, the gang start up a teen line where Zack tries to help a girl named Melissa. Against the teen line rules, Zack sets up a date with Melissa only to discover that she is paraplegic and needs a wheelchair to get around. Despite Melissa's insistence that she is getting through life just fine, Zack sees it differently. Things come to an end at the charity wheelchair basketball game where Zack kind of embarrasses Melissa for being the only one of the group to have to be in a wheelchair. When Melissa refuses to speak to him after that, one of Zack's friends tells him that maybe she wanted to be his friend, and not his cause. Even Melissa told Zack that even though she couldn't do some things, she could still do more than he thought, and that he shouldn't treat her as if she were broken. I think Zack soon learned his lesson, and things were cool between them again.
I hate to use the television show "Saved By The Bell" as an example, but there's one episode that I can think of that demonstrates my point. In one episode, the gang start up a teen line where Zack tries to help a girl named Melissa. Against the teen line rules, Zack sets up a date with Melissa only to discover that she is paraplegic and needs a wheelchair to get around. Despite Melissa's insistence that she is getting through life just fine, Zack sees it differently. Things come to an end at the charity wheelchair basketball game where Zack kind of embarrasses Melissa for being the only one of the group to have to be in a wheelchair. When Melissa refuses to speak to him after that, one of Zack's friends tells him that maybe she wanted to be his friend, and not his cause. Even Melissa told Zack that even though she couldn't do some things, she could still do more than he thought, and that he shouldn't treat her as if she were broken. I think Zack soon learned his lesson, and things were cool between them again.
So,
I guess the lesson that I have to share in this blog entry is that
nobody wants to be seen as a cause. However, everyone needs a friend who will treat them as such. I hate it when people treat me as if I am broken because I haven't had the same experiences that everyone else had, or because I have something about myself that I can't change.
Okay, rant over for today.
Okay, rant over for today.