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Sunday, October 28, 2012

Psycho Killer


Have you ever grooved out to a song, loving it for its funky beat, its happy-go-lucky sound, and its ability to make you showcase everything you have on the dance floor only to find that if you listen closely to the lyrics, it’s really a song that has disturbing, horrifying, and even vulgar undertones to it?

This is the story of one of these songs. 

Of course, before I get to the main focus of the song, I thought that I would share with you some examples of what it is that I mean in my opening statement.

You know how a song might be fun to dance to, but once you listen to the lyrics, the song becomes less fun.  A popular dance song might lose its lustre when you discover that the lyrics involve somebody dying from a drug overdose.  A swinging country song might not seem so happy-go-lucky when you discover that the song is about a child getting abducted from his house.  A rap song that you think is off the hook might be off the playlists of radio stations everywhere when it is discovered that the lyrics promote bestiality.

(Not that any of these songs actually exist, mind you...they’re just extreme examples that I came up with as a supplement to this blog entry.)

Well, today’s blog is all about a song that was first performed in 1974, and officially released as a single three years later.  Although the song didn’t do very well on the Billboard Charts (it barely made it onto the Billboard Hot 100 in late 1977), it is widely considered to be the single that was deemed the breakout hit of the band that performed it.  Many people would argue that this particular single is the band’s signature hit (although I also believe songs such as “Once in a Lifetime”, “Burning Down The House” and “And She Was” rank high up there as well), and I imagine that hundreds of people rocked out to the beat of the song at proms, dance clubs, and parties.  Allmusic actually referred to the song as a “deceptively funky New Wave/No Wave song that had an insistent rhythm, and one of the most memorable, driving basslines in rock and roll”.

You know something, with a description like that, I think that we should take a listen to this song right now.


ARTIST:  Talking Heads
SONG:  Psycho Killer
ALBUM:  Talking Heads: 77
DATE RELEASED:  December 3, 1977
PEAK POSITION ON THE BILLBOARD CHARTS:  #92


Now you might be surprised by the title of the song.  The song title of “Psycho Killer” doesn’t exactly sound like one that brings forth memories of happily dancing with your best friends on a club floor.  And if one were to actually sit down and read the lyrics (including the ones written in French), they may find that the song is all about what the title describes.

In fact, the song actually started off as a semi-narrative of a serial killer stalking people and killing them.  Talking Heads frontman David Byrne while he was writing the song stated that he imagined Alice Cooper doing a Randy Newman-type ballad, and that he always found villains like Hannibal Lecter and the Joker more fascinating than the heroes. 



As I mentioned before, the song was originally composed in the early 1970s, and was performed by Byrne, and two friends of his that he met at the Rhode Island School of Design, Chris Frantz and Tina Weymouth.  Only back in those days, they didn’t go by the name “Talking Heads”.  Instead they went by a different band name, “The Artistics”.

At the time, Frantz and Weymouth were dating (they got married in 1977 and have stayed married ever since), and Weymouth wasn’t a part of “The Artistics” (though she did act as a groupie of sorts who provided transportation for the band).  However, the Artistics project never quite got up off the ground, and by 1975, the band had fizzled out.  But this was fine for Byrne and Frantz, who along with Weymouth moved out to New York City to find their fame and fortune.  The three ended up living together in a communal loft and Frantz and Byrne set out to begin another band.

The problem was that despite New York City’s size, the pair were unable to find a decent bass player for their new band.  So Frantz came up with a solution.  Since Tina Weymouth was living with them at the time, why not teach Tina how to play bass in their band? 


And the way that Tina learned how to play base was quite interesting.  Ever hear of a musician by the name of Suzi Quatro?  You might have seen her acting in an episode of two of “Happy Days”, but she is also considered to be one of the first female bass players to become a huge solo recording star and she still performs today.  I suppose if one was starting out new as a bass player, Suzi Quatro would be a great person to develop skills from.

With the addition of Weymouth to the band, the band needed a new name, and the group settled on the name “Talking Heads”.  As Weymouth later admitted in an interview, the group ended up selecting the new name after flipping through the pages of TV Guide Magazine.  A friend had stumbled upon the term “talking heads” which was used by television studios to describe a head-and-shoulder shot of a person talking as “all-content, no-action”.  For Weymouth and the rest of the band, the name seemed to describe their group perfectly, and the rest is history.


And for the band’s first gig, you couldn’t do much better than the New York City music club CBGB.  Talking Heads performed their first concert there in 1975, and the rest is history.

Byrne, Frantz, Weymouth, and keyboard player Jerry Harrison continued on with the band throughout the rest of the 1970s and 1980s, releasing eight studio albums between 1977 and 1988, two live albums, and releasing at least twenty singles between 1977 and 1992.

But in early 1992, David Byrne had made the decision to pursue a solo career, and that same year, the Talking Heads opted to call it quits, although Frantz, Weymouth, and Harrison would reunite for one more album which was released in 1996.  




Frantz and Weymouth would also form their own side project away from the Talking Heads, the Tom Tom Club, who had a hit single in 1980 with “Genius of Love”.

But their first single will always be the one that got the Talking Heads noticed...even it it was just a little bit on the morbid side.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Beetlejuice - The Animated Series


Last year, I did a blog entry on the 1988 movie “Beetlejuice”. I make no secret in telling all of you that it remains one of my all-time favourite movies. I think I was eight years old when I first saw this movie, and I fell in love with it almost instantly. I suppose in some ways, that movie was also my introduction to the wonderful works of Tim Burton.

And the movie didn't scare me...much. Okay, the sandworms were a little bit creepy, but for the most part, I enjoyed the storyline of the dearly departed Maitlands trying to make sense of their deaths. Through it all, they ended up befriending a young goth girl named Lydia Deetz despite the fact that they unleashed the powerful, scary, and unpredictable Betelgeuse (otherwise known as Beetlejuice).



So when I heard that there was a cartoon series that was airing on ABC at the same that that I saw the movie for the first time, I knew that I had to find a way to see this cartoon just to see how it compared to the movie.

Only there wasn't really any comparison at all...mainly because the only things in common between the movie and the cartoon were characters and settings.



The “Beetlejuice” cartoon is unique in the sense that the cartoon at some point aired on two different networks at the same time. First, the show debuted on ABC during its Saturday Morning cartoon block between September 8, 1989 until October 26, 1991. Meanwhile, FOX decided to pick up the series in September 1991, and aired new episodes until May 7, 1992, meaning that there was a time in the fall of 1991 that the show aired on both ABC and FOX.

The cartoon was also developed by Tim Burton, and featured the voices of Stephen Ouimette as Beetlejuice, and Alyson Court as Lydia, and for the most part, the setting remained the same (aside from the name change from Winter River to Peaceful Pines for the name of the town Lydia and her family live in).

But there were far more differences than similarities between the film and the cartoon series. It was like we were watching a completely different show.

Not that I minded very much, as I loved the cartoon just as much as the movie.

So, let's take a look at the differences between the film and the movie, just to showcase what I mean.



Remember how in the movie, the Maitlands vanquished Beetlejuice back to the Neitherworld and they remained in the house living side by side with Lydia? Somehow, the Maitlands must have found a better mansion to haunt because neither Barbara or Adam make an appearance in the cartoon at all. I thought that it was a shame to not have them make at least a cameo appearance, but then again, the whole point of the cartoon was to focus on the life of Lydia...which then leads to difference number two.



In the film, Beetlejuice and Lydia were far from friends. But somehow in the cartoon version, they are BFF's. Well, okay, so one of the friends has been dead for hundreds of years, but still, when they get together, they often have a lot of fun and laughs (even though Beetlejuice sometimes gets a little too out of control).



And unlike the film, in which Lydia remains in the human world the entire time, Lydia can come and go between the real world and the Neitherworld whenever she pleases. All that Lydia had to do to summon Beetlejuice (or take a trip to the Neitherworld) was utter the following chant.

Though I know I should be wary,
Still I venture someplace scary,
Ghostly hauntings I turn loose,
Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, BEETLEJUICE!!!

Once inside the Neitherworld, Beetlejuice and Lydia ended up getting involved in a lot of adventures together, some of which were scarier than others. Here are just a few examples of some of the mishaps that they ended up getting involved in while in the Neitherworld.

  • Beetlejuice and Lydia take on a job babysitting Neitherworld babies, which almost got Beetlejuice sent to be fed to the sandworms!
  • Neitherworld's Prince Vince falls in love with Lydia, and asks Beetlejuice for assistance in getting her to fall in love with him back.
  • Beetlejuice finds a new career as an armpit musician, and the success goes to his head, leaving Lydia and his friends on the outside.
  • Beetlejuice takes Lydia and her friends camping in the Neitherworld
  • Beetlejuice takes Lydia to a Neitherworld Wild West town where she almost ends up marrying a bull!
  • Beetlejuice uses an abnormal brain when he helps Lydia build a car...the result is a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde car named “Doomie”.
  • Beetlejuice hosts a children's show named “Uncle B.J.'s Roadhouse”.
  • Lydia is forced to help Beetlejuice pass kindergarten in the Neitherworld.

Now what makes these storylines hilarious is the sight gags and visual puns. For instance, ice cream in the real world is a bunch of screaming eyes in the Neitherworld. And pumpkin pie becomes “Punk-in-Pie” in the Neitherworld. There's loads more examples than this, but I'll save the rest of those for later.

CRUNCH!!!

(Inside joke there in relation to the show. If you watch enough episodes of the series, you'll figure it out.)



Oh, and Beetlejuice often makes appearances in Lydia's world as well. Despite the fact that nobody in the real world is aware of his appearance aside from Lydia herself, Beetlejuice often uses his con man background to bilk the live savings out of everyone in Peaceful Pines. He masquerades as Betty Juice in order to win the student body president election at Lydia's school. He causes a lot of problems when he brings a “Party in a Can” to Lydia's Halloween party, and as Cousin B.J., he ended up getting Lydia's father to open up his wallet more times than ever before. Don't worry though, Lydia would often bring Beetlejuice back down to earth and come up with a solution to help fix everything.

I guess another reason why I enjoyed the cartoon so much was because of all of the new characters that were introduced in the story. The movie spent so much time focusing on the Maitlands that we never really got to see much of Beetlejuice or Lydia's personal lives or connections.



In the cartoon, we are introduced to both characters' circles of friends. In Lydia's case, her friends are made up of best friends Bertha and Prudence, as well as her nemesis, the spoiled, stuck-up Clare Brewster. Beetlejuice isn't really a fan of Lydia's other friends, but he does tend to leave Bertha and Prudence alone. His real ire is directed towards Clare, which causes Lydia to get the ultimate revenge on Clare through Beetlejuice in more ways than one.



Beetlejuice's friends, on the other hand, aren't really all that chummy with him. They tolerate him, but are absolutely charmed by Lydia whenever she pays a visit. These include Jacques, a skeleton who despite having no muscles or skin still works out in order to maintain his physique, Ginger, a tap-dancing spider, and the Monster Across The Street, a big, burly eyeless beast who frequently causes Beetlejuice trouble, along with his pet, Poopsie.



That's about all that I have to say about Beetlejuice the cartoon. I think to end this blog entry off...we'll watch an episode now.


Friday, October 26, 2012

Treehouse Of Horror!


Did you know that there are very few television shows that have had an annual Halloween themed episode?

Sure, you might have seen the occasional Halloween episode of some of your favourite television sitcoms.  Right off the bat, I can recall the television series “Roseanne” having at least two or three.  I think I also remember seeing a couple of Halloween episodes of “Home Improvement”, “Family Matters”, and “The Facts Of Life”.  And, heck, you could even justify calling every episode of “Bewitched”, “The Addams Family”, “The Munsters”, and “Sabrina The Teen-Age Witch” a Halloween themed one (even though in a lot of cases, they really weren’t).

But there is only one television show that I know of that has managed to come up with one brand new Halloween episode every year since 1990, and continues to do so today.  If memory serves me, this year will mark the twenty-third in a series of twenty-three and counting Halloween specials that will air on FOX.

And to think that it all began as we watched two young children telling ghost stories in a treehouse in the backyard of 742 Evergreen Terrace.


It seems hard to believe that The Simpsons have even been on the air for 24 seasons, let alone produced twenty-three different “Treehouse of Horror” specials.  The clip above was from the fifth edition of the “Treehouse of Horror” series, but it all kicked off on October 25, 1990, during the show’s second season.


Unlike most episodes in the Simpsons series, the “Treehouse of Horror” episodes are split up into three separate mini-episodes, each one telling a scary story that puts many of the residents of Springfield in danger of getting haunted, injured, or killed.  Don’t worry though, by the next episode, all your favourite characters (save for Maude Flanders and Bleeding Gums Murphy) are alive and well again.

Truth be told, the writers loved the idea of creating the Halloween specials, as it allowed them to use cartoon violence that would never be seen in the other non-Halloween themed episodes.

And just where did the writers of the Treehouse of Horror specials come up with the ideas as to what the specials would be about?  Well, lots of places!  They consulted classic literature, horror movies released between 1950 and 2000, classic television, cartoon series, and comic books. 

And would you believe that the “Treehouse of Horror” specials have attracted quite a few celebrity guest voices?  Here is a list of celebs who voiced either themselves or somebody else.  Beginning with season two, you have James Earl Jones, Paul Anka, Phil Hartman (who also voiced Lionel Hutz and Troy McClure), Robert Englund, Regis Philbin, Kathie Lee Gifford, Jerry Springer, Ed McMahon, Tom Arnold, Lucy Lawless, Dick Clark, Pierce Brosnan, Matthew Perry, Jerry Lewis, Jennifer Garner, Dudley Herschbach, Oscar de la Hoya, Terry Bradshaw, Dennis Rodman, Richard Lewis, Fran Drescher, Dr. Phil, Sir Mix-a-Lot, Daniel Radcliffe, Hugh Laurie, Aron Ralston, and Jon Lovitz.

So, with twenty-three specials, that adds up to, let’s see if my math is correct here...sixty-nine different Treehouse of Horror stories so far.  It’s pretty difficult for me to select a list of the stories that I really enjoyed the most, but you know what, I think I’m up to the challenge.  I scoured the internet, television, and YouTube to choose my Top 10 list of my own personal all-time favourite Treehouse of Horror stories.  Some you may agree with...some you may not.  Nevertheless, these are my top ten in no particular order.


10 – NIGHT OF THE DOLPHIN
From Treehouse of Horror XI – Original Airdate:  November 1, 2000

Lisa Simpson, vegetarian, animal rights activist, Springfield destroyer...

You couldn’t blame Lisa for wanting to release a dolphin named Snorky out into the wild...she felt terrible for him, with being trapped in a giant aquarium in a marine amusement park being forced to do tricks for a bite of fish.  She thought she was doing the right thing.  Never in her wildest dreams did she think that the dolphins would turn on her, and stage a coup to take over Springfield.  What happens in the end will leave you wondering who the real enemy is...in a rather humourous way, that is.


9 – MR. AND MRS. SIMPSON
From Treehouse of Horror XVIII – Original Airdate:  November 4, 2007

Okay, I’m a sucker for any Simpsons episode that makes fun of the movie that reportedly kickstarted the love affair between Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.  In this obvious spoof of “Mr. And Mrs. Smith”, Homer and Marge take on the roles that Brad and Angie made famous...they play assassins who have been hired to take each other out.  The episode seemingly plays out the exact same way as the movie, but in the iconic re-creation of the iconic scene in which the two assassins destroy their own home while trying to kill the other one off, there’s a twist ending which sees some Springfield favourites lose their lives, and make Homer and Marge see what is really important out of life.


8 – LISA’S NIGHTMARE
From Treehouse of Horror II – Original Airdate:  October 31, 1991

The whole idea of the episode was that Lisa, Bart, and Homer would end up having nightmares after eating one piece of Halloween candy too many.  While the whole episode was enjoyable, and while I liked all the nightmares, I have to give Lisa’s the edge because of the wonderfully biting social commentary that took place within it.  Basically, the plot of Lisa’s nightmare is that Homer buys an enchanted monkey paw that grants its holder four wishes.  After Maggie wishes for a new pacifier, Bart immediately wishes that the Simpsons were rich and famous.  The whole episode pokes fun at the then explosion of Simpsons memorabilia from T-shirts and boxer shorts to compact discs and movie deals.  And when Lisa and Homer make their own wishes, it turns an already bad situation worse.


7 – HUNGRY ARE THE DAMNED
From Treehouse of Horror I – Original Airdate:  October 25, 1990

This is where it all began with the very first episode...although, this tale appears sandwiched in between “Dream House” and “The Raven”.  The reason I chose this particular one is twofold.  First, it happens to be the episode where the recurring space aliens Kang and Kodos appear for the first time (there’s another story further down this list that also stars those lovable aliens).  And secondly, the entire storyline involves a certain spiky-haired young girl who thinks that the aliens wish to do more to her family than have them FOR dinner...really, the ending is classic.  You’ll love it.


6 – HOMER3
From Treehouse of Horror VI – Original Airdate:  October 29, 1995

I remember everyone at school talking about this episode when it first aired.  In this particular story, Homer is trying to avoid spending time with Marge’s sisters, Patty and Selma, so he decides to find a hiding spot.  His hiding spot leads him into a three-dimensional world which is filled with geometric shapes, algebraic equations, and an annoying pointed object which ends up causing Homer a lot of problems later on in the episode.  This episode also features a surprise ending which really had lots of people talking.  The segment ended up winning several awards based on its incredible animation (at the time), and was even nominated for an Emmy Award.  For that alone, I had to include it on this list.  But, it’s not my favourite segment from the sixth Treehouse special.


5 – LIFE’S A GLITCH, THEN YOU DIE
From Treehouse of Horror X – Original Airdate:  October 31, 1999

Hey, remember when the Y2K bug was the biggest news story of 1999, and how it ended up destroying the whole world?  Yeah?  Me neither.  That’s because it didn’t happen.  But considering that we’re almost wrapping up 2012 (another year popular with apocalyptic theories), I thought it would be cool to include this segment.  We learned that traffic lights could shoot laser beams, we learned that electric shavers could be used as weapons, we learned that the late Dick Clark was really a robot, and we learned that apparently the writers of the series feel that Rosie O’Donnell, Tom Arnold, Courtney Love, and Pauly Shore are annoying enough that they should be propelled into the sun.  Ah, memories...



4 – DIAL “Z” FOR ZOMBIES
From Treehouse of Horror III – Original Airdate:  October 29, 1992

I am a sucker for zombie movies, and I will sit down and watch those kinds of films for however long I am a...well...non-zombie.  Taking its cues from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and Stephen King’s “Pet Semetary”, this tale depicts what happened when Bart and Lisa accidentally wake the dead after attempting to bring back Lisa’s dead cat from beyond the grave.  I must admit that it was cool to see some of the favourite Springfield characters become zombies.  I admit that Zombie Mrs. Krabappel scared me when I first watched this episode.  Oh, and Bart accidentally turns Lisa into a snail.


3 – CITIZEN KANG
From Treehouse of Horror VII – Original Airdate:  October 27, 1996

With all this talk of the American elections, I thought we should take a look back sixteen years ago to the 1996 Elections.  The candidates were Bill Clinton and Bob Dole...or was it Kang and Kodos?  After abducting Clinton and Dole (along with Homer), Kang and Kodos assume the roles of the presidential candidates hoping that they could take over the world if elected.  Meanwhile, Clinton and Dole end up reaching an understanding, and realize that they have to work together in order to change the world.  A nice gesture and thought...too bad Homer ended up pressing the wrong button.


2 – NIGHTMARE ON EVERGREEN TERRACE
From Treehouse of Horror VI – Original Airdate:  October 29, 1995

Yes, I know.  This is the second segment from the sixth Treehouse of Horror special in my Top 10 list.  I make no secret that Treehouse of Horror VI is my all-time favourite of the twenty-three made.  In fact, if I decided to make this list a Top 15, the third story “Attack of the 50-Foot Eyesores” would be twelfth, just behind Treehouse of Horror IV's "The Devil and Homer Simpson".  In this segment, the storyline plays out exactly like “Nightmare on Elm Street”, only with Groundskeeper Willie in the role of Freddy Krueger...who died one cold Smarch day.  Willie begins haunting people in their dreams, injuring everyone who has had them.  When Martin Prince ends up getting killed off in his dream, things become serious enough for Bart and Lisa to make a vow to never fall asleep again.  But when that proves to be impossible, Bart and Lisa must struggle to stay alive in a dream world gone mad.  Baby Maggie ends up making a guest appearance in this segment which leads to an...explosive ending.


1 – THE SHINNING
From Treehouse of Horror V – Original Airdate:  October 30, 1994

Okay, okay...I spoiled it for you at the beginning by posting that clip.  Can I help it if the episode is so good?  Homer’s “No TV and No Beer” rant made the segment pop as far as I’m concerned.  It was a great retelling of the classic Stephen King story, and Homer’s descent into madness without television sort of reminds me of current times where people flip out over losing their iPhones.  Hmmm...maybe an updated version could be in the works for Treehouse of Horror XXIV in 2013?  We’ll see...


So, that’s my list of top Treehouse of Horror segments.  What are some of yours?

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Chicken Soup For The Math-Deprived Soul



You know something? There are some days in which you have a difficult time choosing a topic to write about in your blog that you sometimes have to look through history in order to choose an appropriate subject.

This is one of those times.

Would you believe that I wrote this piece in my Facebook notes section almost five years ago, on November 8, 2007? It's true. Back in those days though, I only had sixteen friends, so I'm banking that not a lot of people have read this one yet.

So now, I want to share this message with all of you. It's about confronting strengths and weaknesses...and I share with you a couple of mine. Although this piece is five years old, it still holds true today. I hope you enjoy it.



Tell me your strengths and weaknesses.

How many of you out there have been asked this question at a job interview? Or, perhaps a college application. For all I know, the question could be asked on a speed-dating application. Of course, I wouldn't know. I've never speed dated. Come to think of it, I haven't dated much at all...but we'll save that rant for the next time the 14th of February rolls around. I'm sure you'll all remind me when it comes, won't you?

I suppose it's very easy for most people to list their strengths. It's easy for me as well. I've always been a great speller. I can beat almost any Final Fantasy video game (except for number two, which is so confusing to level up in). I happen to know how to program a VCR/DVD Player. Small, but simple things, that I can consider myself lucky to know.

But, weaknesses. Why bother even talking about the things you aren't any good at? Wouldn't it depress you? Make you cry? Curse God and the rest of the world for giving you a...flaw? Oh, the horrors of it all!

I know what you're all thinking. It's silliness to stress out over things that you may not be able to change, right? We all have our weaknesses, and we have to learn to deal with them.



And, by weakness, I don't mean an addiction to chocolate. I consider that to be a good thing. Chocolate=good thing.

Getting back to weaknesses, allow me to share some of mine with you.

Although the kids who used to copy off my homework in the fifth grade didn't realize this, I considered math to be my weakest subject. For the longest time, I felt as though I was not going to grasp the subject at all.

Sure, I knew my multiplication tables. Square roots, not a problem. Long division? My forte.



It was when they incorporated those stupid letters into simple mathematical problems that my disdain for mathematics began. 



And, not even the fine people of Square One television could churn out enough Dirk Niblick cartoons for me to really grasp the concept of algebra.

I said to myself, "Letters don't belong in math problems!" Sesame Street, yes. Math class, not so much.



Don't even get me started on trigonometry, the study of what I call "mathematics that 99% of people will never use in the course of real life".

(Apologies in advance to any trigonometry majors out there in the crowd.)

By the time I reached grade eleven, I had just about had enough of integers and functions. I just wanted to go back to my grade two classroom, where the most difficult math we ever did was figuring out if 7 was less than 10.

It also didn't help much that I was in a class of math geniuses and the teacher reminded me of John Moschita, the man from the commercials who could talk 4 million words a minute. The only thing I got out of that class was a barely passing grade, and a desire to never, ever, take math as long as I lived again. Had it not been for a teacher's strike and wacky winter weather, I would have flunked that class easily.

I'm still grateful towards the people who decided to cancel all exams for January 1998, by the way.

By the time I left grade eleven math, with my stellar grade of 54, I was convinced that I was hopeless at math, and that I could never be a math genius. Compared to the other 17 people in my class, I felt like the biggest idiot of them all.

That was it for me. No more math. Math bad.

But, then I got to thinking. If I had convinced myself that I was a complete moron when it came to understanding math, then clearly those two times that I had won prizes for MATHEMATICS COMPETITIONS were a fluke. Yet, I still have the certificates for the Waterloo University Math Contests. One for 1994 and one for 1996. Surely, I had to have known a little bit of math to be able to score so high on a prestigious math contest, right?

And, it really wasn't until grade eleven that I began having problems, as this math test from grade nine clearly shows.



So, why was I beating myself up for almost flunking eleventh grade math? 

Because, I wasn't the best anymore.

Because, I wanted to show the rest of the class up.

Because, I felt as though if I failed math, I wouldn't be respected as a person.

It sounds crazy, right? The thing is, in my own mind, I believed it to be true.



The high school I went to was one that celebrated academics. I admit, it's one of the reasons why I was attracted to the school in the first place (well, that, plus I lived right next door to the school).

In high school, people really struggle to fit in. Knowing that I was attending a high school that celebrated good grades and strong achievements made me feel like I could get noticed for doing what I felt came naturally to me. Throughout ninth grade, I had always made the honour roll, and felt as though I could continue to succeed, and as long as I was a success, I could be popular.

After that semester in eleventh grade where I almost failed grade eleven, I never made the honour roll again. All my former classmates had averages in the lower nineties. My average? A dismal seventy-two. A far cry from excellence, no?

To make matters worse, my school actually posted the honour roll all over the school, and it seemed like everyone in my class was on there...except me.

When report cards came out, and everyone was sharing their grades, I quickly folded up mine, placed it in my backpack, and walked out of the school in silence, criticizing myself for doing so horribly in my studies.

To me, a B average just wasn't good enough. No matter how hard I tried, I could never get much better than that.

I don't remember when I really stopped caring about school. Perhaps it was after that math class from hell. Who knows? All I knew was that I was belittling myself constantly. I felt that if I told myself that I had done badly, and if I told myself that I could have done better, it might have taken away some of the sting that I felt if anyone questioned me about it. I took the same approach when I was being bullied. If I made fun of myself first, it wouldn't hurt as much as when someone else said it to you.

My weakness wasn't grade eleven mathematics.

My weakness was self-esteem and low self-worth.

It is something that I have struggled with for years. It is something that I STILL struggle with.

I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't feel so badly about myself.

But, at times, I do.

Looking back on it all, I don't think the reason I failed math was because I didn't understand the concepts. It was because I felt inferior to everyone else in the class, and no matter what I tried to do, I couldn't catch up to them on their level.

It made me feel horrible.

It wasn't until I took a basic level math course in grade twelve that I began to discover that my problem wasn't math at all. It was me. Because in twelfth grade, I ended up getting a final grade that was 36 points higher than my eleventh grade experience.

It wasn't that I was hopeless in math. I was hopeless in the situation that I was placed in.

When I initially began eleventh grade math, we were a combined general/advanced class. I was in the general crowd, because I knew that math wasn't my strongest subject. For some odd reason, they split the class up into two, because it was so big. Unfortunately for me, the line of division ended with my name. As a result, I was the only general level kid in a classroom filled with advanced students. Because of that, the teacher rushed through lessons at such lightning speed that my head was spinning. I needed a bottle of Advil just to get through a week of lessons.

It wasn't a fair tradeoff for me. I wished that I could have gone with all the other general level students. Alas, twas not in the cards for me, and I ended up with a sour taste in my mouth for math because of it.

I bet you're all thinking...why didn't you take initiative and asked to be switched to the general class?

"And, admit that I'm not as smart as everyone else? Get real!"

In the end, that's exactly what happened, and my GPA took a nosedive that year. To add to the sadness, I had to sit and watch the smug look of my teacher. For, here I was, the only near-failure in a class of perfection.

So, thank you, Mr. Eleventh Grade Math Teacher, for destroying any dreams I had of becoming a rocket scientist.



Of course, it's not the end of the world. I realize that. Sure, that class may have killed my enjoyment for the subject of math, but in other classes, I breezed through. Eleventh grade anthropology was fantastic. OAC French? C'est BON! OAC English? Now we're talking my language.  Even art projects like the one above netted me great marks...although I expect some Americans to rib me good-naturedly at the hatchet job I did on the American flag in this poster...

After all that, am I still bitter over not getting a decent grade in math? Of course not. Not when I have so many other talents going for me.



For instance, I have what some would call the neatest handwriting in the world...or at least in my hometown. I absolutely salivate over the opportunity of writing a letter to my first grade teacher one day. After all, she did give me a "D".

I have immaculate spelling skills.

I have the desire to make writing my career. All I need is my big break.

Most importantly of all, I have grown to believe that I don't have to know how to solve an algebraic equation to be somebody.

Don't get me wrong. I still feel that I am inadequate in certain areas. People who have dealt with low self-esteem and low self-worth can't just flip it on and off like a lava lamp. For me, it has taken years of healing. I still have many years of healing left to do.

Writing this blog helps me get all the feelings out that I have held inside for so long. It's been very therapeutic. In fact, maybe one day I will be able to create a whole book of anecdotes much like this one to put into a sort of collection. You know those "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books? Kind of like that.

There wasn't any resources like that for me to consult when I was a clumsy, awkward teenager.

It's my hope that one day, there will be.

Even if I have to write it myself.

In order to do that, I have to talk about my weaknesses. If I don't, my arguments will lack strength.

And, to have strength, you have to embrace your weaknesses. Even if you don't really want to.


Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Happy Mad-Libbing, Everyone!


For today’s edition of the Wednesday theme day (which I suppose has now turned into a hodge-podge section of childhood memories), I thought that I would share one of my all-time favourite memories growing up as a child.  And, I think that this entry could also be one that all of you reading this blog at home can take part in as well!

I’ll get to the audience participation a little bit later in this blog entry.

For now, I will tell you a little bit of a story.

Growing up, I was always fascinated with words and language and books and all the other things associated with reading and writing.  I would go to the public library every week and check out at least a dozen books to read and study, and I was constantly writing and drawing pictures on scraps of lined paper.

(No wonder I decided to pursue a long-standing interest in writing!)

It became only natural that some of my favourite activities to take part in as a child were word-based.  I played a lot of Scrabble and Boggle.  I would watch Wheel of Fortune and often solve the puzzles faster than some of the contestants at the time.  I loved language arts class and creative writing in school, and I always did the Word Jumbles and Word Searches that were inside each comic section of the newspaper.  I even attempted a couple of New York Times Crossword Puzzles, but not even I’m skilled enough to complete one of those...yet.

But would you like to know what one of my all-time favourite activities to do was growing up?  Allow me to show you.


Ever hear of something called a Mad Lib?  It’s a word game that is guaranteed to bring dozens of laughs to a party or social gathering.  I know it certainly brought a lot of laughs to my fourth grade classroom, which was one of my earliest experiences with Mad Libs.

It’s hard to believe that Mad Libs have been around for well over five decades now.  The idea of a Mad Lib was first invented in 1953 by Leonard Stern (1923-2011) and Roger Price (1918-1990), and the first Mad Libs book was published in 1958.  Since then, there have been no less than 40 different Mad Libs books published in a variety of subjects from Indiana Jones and Star Wars to Scooby-Doo and Fear Factor!

So, what is a Mad Lib?

Well, basically, it’s a story with a twist.  The twist is that some of the words in the story have been removed, and it is your job to try and guess what the right words are. 

There’s just one problem.  The people who are guessing the words don’t know what the story is.  Nor do they know exactly where in the story the words will be placed.

This can lead to a story that absolutely makes no sense, and depending on the words used, the reactions can range from mild amusement to hysterical laughter.

So, how do people fill in the words?  It’s quite simple.

Underneath each blank, there will be a description of the word that one is supposed to fill in.  Let’s look at a sentence for an example...

“The <ADJECTIVE> brown <ANIMAL> <VERB ENDING IN –S> over the lazy <ANIMAL>.

Now, the actual phrase, of course is, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.”  It also happens to be a sentence that teachers use to teach cursive writing, as each letter of the alphabet appears at least once. 

But for this exercise, we’ll be using our own words.

So, you can see that we will need an adjective, a verb ending in s, and two animals.  Well, let’s just randomly choose dead, somersaults, and dolphin and tadpole.  Looking at the new sentence, it now reads...

“The dead brown dolphin somersaults over the lazy tadpole.”

You see what I mean?  Okay, so maybe it isn’t the funniest example, but depending on how tame or raunchy you get with your word selection, Mad Libs have the power to make you gasp for breath with each laugh.

Here are some of the more common blanks that someone will come across in a typical Mad Lib.

NOUN:  A person, place, or thing (ex. Mailman, kitchen, parasol).  For plural nouns, add an “S” to it, unless it is a word like octopi, or something similar

VERB:  An action word (ex. Cooking, skiing, face-planting)

ADJECTIVE:  A word used to describe something (ex. Ugly, yellow, fragrant)

ADVERB: Modifier for a verb or verb phrase (ex. Often, suddenly, rapidly)

NUMBER:  A number (ex. 5, 18, 2012, 3.14159265...)

There will often be some more specific blanks that require a more detailed answer such as Geographical Location, Part of the Body, Famous Person, or Colour, in which case, you would just answer as normal.

So, just for the fun of it, I created my own Mad Lib using some random words that popped into my head.  I found a web-site where you can create your own Mad Libs, and I decided to do one myself.  If you’d like to try it out yourself, just click HERE.  Here are my results.

TOP 25 SONGS OF 25 YEARS AGO (1987)

1.      Potato Masher - George Michael
2. Alone - Thigh
3. I Wanna Swim With Somebody (Who Bites Me) - Whitney Houston
4. C'est la Vie - Betty White
5. Slap You Down - Gregory Abbott
6. La Bamba - Los Bumblebees
7. Livin' On A Big Mac - Bon Jovi
8. Here I Go Again - Whitecheetah
9. McDonald's Is A Place On Earth - Belinda Carlisle
10. ( I've Had ) The Time Of My Life - Bill Medley & Joy Behar
11. Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now - Shamwow
12. I Think We're Dead Now - Tiffany
13. With Or Without Key Lime Pie - U2
14. At This Moment - Billy Vera and the Breast Implants
15. Keep Your Marshmallows To Yourself - Georgia Trombones
16. Gall Bladder And Soul - T'Pau
17. Lick Your Heart - Madonna
18. Didn't We Almost Twist It All - Whitney Houston
19. I Still Haven't Burned What I'm Looking For - U2
20. Looking For A Sexy Hoarder - Jody Watley
21. Don't Dream It's Over - Unconscious House
22. Is This Spatula - Whitecheetah
23. Digest Your Love - Debbie Gibson
24. Shakedown - Mitt Romney
25. Fabulous - Duran Duran

Not bad, huh?

Okay, now it’s your turn.  I created another Mad Lib...this time using a passage from a previous blog that I have done.  It’s up to you to use the template to fill it in yourselves!  Now, this is only optional, of course, but if you want to, you can share your finished passages here, so we can laugh at them together!  How about it?

Just click HERE for all the fun!  Happy Mad Libbing!