Search This Blog

Monday, August 12, 2013

Sharknado

You know, it's not very often that I do a Monday Matinee feature on a made-for-television movie, but given the recent buzz over a film that aired on television just last month, I thought that I would make an exception.

Before I get into the discussion, I thought that I would offer up a little confession. The only reason why I am just now getting to this film for discussion is because I only managed to watch the film for the first time just a couple of days ago on Canada's version of the Discovery Channel. I didn't want to do a Monday Matinee on a film that I have never seen. I wouldn't have much to talk about if I hadn't.

So, that's why I'm coming a little bit late to the party. I hope that you all understand.

And now, on with the discussion.

There are a few reasons why whenever I talk about films in the Monday Matinee that I don't typically choose movies that were made for a television audience (with lone exception to the 1994 miniseries “The Stand”, which was absolutely brilliant).

The first reason is that nobody really remembers them after they air. Most people can quote at least one or two quotes from “Star Wars”, “Harry Potter”, or “Borat”, but I bet you that nobody remembers the movie which had Kellie Martin from “Life Goes On” stabbing Tori Spelling to death with a knife. I don't even remember the title. Though admittedly, I imagine some tuned in to watch Donna Martin – exsanguinate.

(Yeah, yeah...bad joke. I know. For the record, the TV movie was 1994's “A Friend To Die For”.)

The second reason is that most of these television movies are unnecessarily saccharinely sweet. I get that Hallmark has made a fortune with nice, warm, and fuzzy messages printed inside of each greeting card they manufacture. But there's a reason for that. A greeting card is only like thirty seconds of entertainment. Now, if you took that same sentiment and expanded it into a two hour movie, it would be so much sweetness that you'd probably throw up a rainbow of Skittles. I have nothing against Hallmark films, but I can't sit through one without resisting the urge to change the channel.

And, lastly, made for television movies are churned out faster than episodes of MTV's “The Real World”, and none of them have really stood out as being epic, memorable, and noteworthy enough to devote an entire blog to them...

...until now.

The film up for discussion today aired on the Syfy Channel on July 11, 2013, and as of August 2013 has an unusually high ranking on the film review website “Rotten Tomatoes” (last I checked, it was just under 90% in its approval rating). Mind you, I would imagine that a lot of those rankings were either punched in by die-hard fans, people under the influence of something, or people who love a movie no matter how ridiculous it is.

And believe me, the premise for this film is quite ridiculous. In fact, I think it can be summarized in just one word.

SHARKNADO!!!

Yes, believe it or not, I'm doing a blog entry on what appears to be the hottest trend for Summer 2013. “Sharknado”.



And, I think we can figure out what the movie is about just based on the two words that make up this...rather awkward looking portmanteau.

Shark (n) – a giant fish species with sharp teeth, classified to be at the highest order of the underwater food chain

Tornado (n) – a rotating cloud of air that is in contact with the ground and a cumulonimbus cloud that is capable of destroying entire structures depending on its speed

You put them together, and you have this.

Sharknado (n) – a rotating cloud of air that is capable of raining sharks down upon the earth

Now, I don't know exactly if there has ever been any instance of a “sharknado” ever being recorded in the modern history books. I'm going to wager a guess that a sharknado has never ever happened before, but then again, I've only been alive thirty-two years. For all I know, we could have had one back in 707 BC and not even realized it because none of us were around.

But, just for the sake of argument, let's just state that sharknadoes are extremely rare. We've never actually seen one happen, but the possibility I suppose is always there. Like maybe a 0.0000000000001% chance.



Anyway, that's the basic plot of “Sharknado”. A hurricane appears in the middle of the Pacific Ocean just outside of Los Angeles, California, and the result sends thousands of killer sharks up in the air to swirl around a funnel cloud that is fast approaching the city. And this is a really bad thing to happen. Los Angeles is after all one of the most populated cities in the United States, and if sharks began to fall down on Sunset Boulevard, Rodeo Drive, and the Hollywood Walk of Fame, it wouldn't be great for tourism. And, most certainly, everyone in the city would become lunch for these displaced sharks.

But that's okay! We have a team of heroes made up of former 1990s stars! With Ian Ziering from “Beverly Hills 90210”, Tara Reid from “American Pie”, the dad from “Home Alone” (John Heard) and Jaason Simmons from “Baywatch” on our side, we have no reason to worry, right?

Right?

Well, okay...I suppose it could be worse. We could have had Tori Spelling and Kellie Martin. Hey, maybe Tori Spelling could have stabbed Kellie Martin with the tooth of a Great White Shark as payback for what Kellie did to her in that 1994 movie!



Anyway, “Sharknado” is definitely a movie that is filled with action. See a guy get his arm lopped off by a shark, bleeding to death right on the pavement! See the iconic ferris wheel located on the Santa Monica Pier roll away and smash into a building! See a shark swallow someone whole after they fall out of a helicopter already in motion!



And see marine biologists, meteorologists, and scientists all over the world writhing around the floor in uncontrollable fits of laughter over how ridiculous and inaccurate the film is!

To be honest with you, I'm not exactly the kind of guy who likes seeing films with excessive blood and gore, and I usually turn away my head every time I see it happen (one of the many reasons why I want a career in writing and not in medicine). But the ways in which people were killed off on “Sharknado” were so ridiculous and unbelievable that I didn't get the slightest bit nauseous. I laughed my head off at the scenes which were supposed to be serious, but executed as anything but!




I'm specifically singling out the last twenty minutes of the film as being one of those moments that was like a really horrible twenty-seven car pileup on the middle of a major highway. It's incredibly bad, horrific, and vomit-inducing, but for some insane reason, you have a very difficult time not staring at it like a deer in the headlights.

That essentially summarizes my entire “Sharknado” viewing experience. A movie that is absolutely bad in every possible way, but invoked such a fan reaction that it became an instant hit all over the world. I mean, Mia Farrow tweeted about the movie on her own account. She was all like “OMG Sharknado!!!” She was completely fan-girling this movie, keeping in mind that she was in “Rosemary's Baby” and several other high profile pictures over her career. So, I suppose if Mia Farrow liked it, then it had to have some impact, right?

At any rate, my final impression of “Sharknado” is as such. It's a movie that has so many plot holes, it's like the film version of swiss cheese. The acting skills are...well...laughably bad. And, the likelihood of sharks raining down over the California coast is well...slim to impossible. At the same time though, I do like the fact that the filmmakers have made the film knowing that we weren't going to take it seriously. They were having fun with the crazy plot, and took chances on scenes for the film. Some actually didn't turn out too bad, while others were laughably horrible. But, you know you have to admire the fact that they took a risk, and judging by the fact that people are still talking about “Sharknado” a month later, it seemed that they accomplished what they set out to do.

And Ian Ziering is probably enjoying his new-found popularity. Why, I don't think he's had this much media coverage since “Beverly Hills 90210” wrapped up in 2000. It doesn't even matter whether his acting will win him a People's Choice Award (not likely), or a Golden Raspberry Award (now we're talking). His name is out there again, and that likely makes him very happy.

All in all, “Sharknado” might not meet the definition of being a film classic that people will remember twenty or thirty years down the road...but as a summer film that serves as a nice distraction from everyday life? It works.

And it is rumoured that a sequel is in the works for next summer...the setting this time being New York City. I can already see the Statue of Liberty impaling a hammerhead shark with her torch as I type this.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Wouldn't It Be Good?

I imagine that many of you out there will either agree with me, or agree to disagree, but it is this blogger's humble opinion that one of the best summer foods to eat is a nice rack of barbecued ribs.



I mean, seriously. Is there any other time of year in which they are the most tasty? Just being able to grill them outside, coating them with a sauce that packs a punch. That's the perfect summer treat as far as I'm concerned, ranking right up there with watermelon, frozen lemonade, and corn on the cob.

I mean, sure. I suppose that you can have ribs any time of the year. My mother makes ribs all year round in the oven along with her world famous secret recipe (which if you're really nice, I could tell you the ingredients, but I don't have exact measurements as she never really did figure out an exact ratio).

I do know that the sauce contains brown sugar, ketchup, and a little pinch of salt...those are three ingredients that I know of, but I'm lost on what the other ones are.



Anyway, the reason why I'm talking about ribs is because I spent a little bit of time at our annual RibFest celebration last night. Although I was only at RibFest for an hour and a half, the time that I did spend there was well worth it. There must have been at least two dozen food vendors there with everything from poutines to Jolly Rancher slushies (which come recommended by this blogger, might I add).

But of course, the stars of the festival were the various kiosks that served up delicious ribs, juicy pieces of chicken, and other wonderful foodstuffs. I had a hard time choosing which vendor to sample food from as every single place looked and smelled incredible. In the end, I chose to stand in the line that appeared to be the shortest, which happened to be the ribs being cooked by the team known as “Camp 31”.

THE END RESULT: Highly recommended. The ribs were absolutely delicious, and if I had brought more money with me, I would have totally gone for seconds!

But even more impressive than the food was the overall ambience of the festival. The vibe there was just impressive. Everyone there was in a really great mood, and I don't think I saw anyone there with a grimace on their face at all.

(Go figure...people will happily stand in line for twenty minutes to order and pay for ribs and chicken at a once-a-year festival, but they grumble and moan if they have to wait the same amount of time in a supermarket checkout line.)

I mean, the crowd was lively, the market booths that were there were bustling with activity (and again, had I brought more money with me, I may have actually considered buying something from them), and all in all, I'm really happy that I went down and experienced it first hand. It's not very often that I get the opportunity to partake in RibFest (this is the first year in a long time that I've actually been off the weekend it's held), so for me this was extra special.

So, I'm sure you're wondering what barbecued ribs have to do with the Sunday Jukebox. Well...not a lot, really. But I will state that while I was there, there was a song that was playing in the background that kind of fits the mood I felt back in the days in which I was – shall we say – less willing to go to a crowded public place. Therefore, I thought it was only fitting to make that song the “Sunday Jukebox” song for today.



Have you ever heard of a man by the name of Nik Kershaw? The British-born singer-songwriter (who is absolutely no relation to country singer Sammy Kershaw) was born on March 1, 1958 in Bristol, England, and over the course of his fifty-five years on this planet has done quite a lot of work within the music industry. He's released eight studio albums, and has collaborated with other musical artists such as Michael W. Smith, Kim Wilde, and Elton John.

TRIVIA: If you've ever heard Elton John's 1985 hit, “Nikita”, Nik Kershaw sings backing vocals and plays the electric guitar on that track. Not that we're featuring “Nikita” in this space, it's just a cool little piece of trivia that I found interesting.

However, here's the thing with Nik Kershaw. Many people in North America might not know who he is. In the United Kingdom, he's had several Top 10 hits and spent a record breaking sixty-two weeks on the UK charts with his various single releases...but in the United States, he probably would best be described as a one-hit-wonder.

And to me that is a real shame because I am a huge fan of his stuff from the 1980s.

At the peak of his popularity, Nik Kershaw was considered to be one of the greatest artists to come out of the New Wave movement. Sure, “Duran Duran” and “Tears for Fears” had greater success in North America, but Nik Kershaw did his best to hold his own in an already competitive market.



And in 1984, his moment in the sun came with the release of this single, the second from his debut album, “Human Racing”, and the song up for discussion today.



ARTIST: Nik Kershaw
SONG: Wouldn't It Be Good
ALBUM: Human Racing
DATE RELEASED: January 21, 1984
PEAK POSITION ON THE BILLBOARD CHARTS: #46

Yeah...just missing out on the Top 40 isn't considered to be a great track record...but in his native UK, it was a Top 5 hit. So, all in all, it balanced out.

First things first, let's talk about the music video. What a strange one it is, isn't it? With Nik's super Clorox coloured business suit projecting images upon it as he sings each lyric, and people staring at him and singing his own song back to him as he cowers in fear, and then appearing to disintegrate upon seeing laser beams shooting out of a satellite dish. Who exactly is Nik? A confused human, or a space alien, or just some twenty-something man who purposely came up with a confusing video to make people talk about it around the water coolers at work?

(Actually, if you're looking for a weird Nik Kershaw video, search out the one he filmed for his 1984 single “The Riddle”. That one trumps “Wouldn't It Be Good” for its weirdness alone.)

Secondly, this song is one that you've likely heard in some of the most interesting places. Take the 1986 film “Pretty in Pink”. Although it's not Nik singing in that version, a band known as the Danny Hutton Hitters released their own version for the movie soundtrack. If you've ever played the video game “Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories”, the song is played on one of the radio stations in the game. And, the song was also featured in the film “Gotcha!” from 1985 in one of the scenes.

But the main reason why I really wanted to talk about this particular song is because of the song's lyrics. The song's beautiful, well-crafted, thoughtful lyrics penned by Kershaw himself.

(That's one of the main reasons why I'm disappointed that Nik Kershaw didn't have more of a following in North America. His songs are certainly a lot more poignant and passionate than some of the songs that pass as Top 40 hits in 2013. But that's another rant altogether.)

If you've listened closely to the lyrics, the whole song is sung in the perspective of a man who is not exactly in the best place in his life. He keeps talking about all of his problems, and how he feels about them. He's sick of fighting life every step of the way, and he's sick of feeling this way. He talks about how the struggle to keep his life and soul together is incredibly hard and getting harder each day, and how is spirit is completely broken.

Wow...I don't know what happened to this guy, but for him to look at life in such a bleak manner, it had to have been something terrible.

He then takes a look at other people who seemingly are happy with their lives, and how they appear to have found the joy and passion that he simply doesn't know how to find.

And he starts to think...wouldn't it be good to be in their shoes? Even if it was for just one day?

I'll tell you something. I've had those thoughts before. Probably more than anyone else that I know. All throughout my entire childhood and early adulthood, I couldn't help but keep thinking to myself how good life would be if I were living someone else's. Most of the kids I went to school with seemed to be happy, carefree kids who found it easy to make friends, or to do well in school, or to play on sports teams, or to be able to afford the newest fashion trends or coolest new toys.

Oh, what I wouldn't have given to be one of them for once.

It really wasn't until I grew a little bit older that I saw the truth. Yeah, it might have been good to be in someone else's shoes and experience never being bullied, or never having to worry about money ever again. But as we quickly learn in our lives, sometimes the people who have it all are often the ones who are suffering the most. It may appear that a couple is living a wealthy life with money to burn, but you might not realize that they've spent a lot of money trying to have a child, with each one of those attempts being unsuccessful. You might be jealous of a star football player getting all the girls, only to realize that football player has a really horrific home life where he is constantly bullied by his own father. You might want to trade places with a man who has everything he could ever want in the world, only to realize that man would trade places with you in a heartbeat because you have a wonderful support system at home, and he's all alone in the world.

But you know something? I'm at the point in my life where I'm in a very good place right now. Do I wish that things could be better? Absolutely. There's some things in my life that are incomplete and I'm trying to get all the pieces assembled so I can have the best possible life for myself. But, I'm at the stage now where I would never wish to be anyone else. It's good to be yourself.


And this is coming from someone who never could admit that until now.  

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Princess Toadstool - A Frustrating Peach of a Gal

Okay, so for whatever reason, I decided to change the colour of the font to this peachy-orange colour today. There is a reason behind it, which I'm sure you may already know because of what the title of the blog is. But, we'll get to why this is a little bit later. But first, I want to tell you a little bit of a story that is kind of related to the Saturday Smorgasbord topic for today. Considering that the second Saturday of the month is being devoted to video games, it has a lot to do with that.

And, apologies to all. I know I featured a Mario game last month. This month, I'll be doing a feature on a Mario character. But don't worry, I'll have another subject planned for September. I just really wanted to do a blog entry on this person because I have a lot to say about them.

Okay, so as some of you who have been following this blog entry know, I've spent the last...oh...five weeks working in the electronics section of a retail chain. There have been some really good days, and there have been some really bad days. But it's all a balancing act. As long as that balance is kept, I more or less do okay.

There are some electronic devices that I have absolutely no idea what they do, or how they work, and I always have to seek out assistance from other people. A perfect example is the cellular phone section. I actually don't own an iPhone, or any sort of cell phone aside from a pay-as-you-go model that I hardly ever use. Don't even ask me about how they work, as I am still learning.

Now, if you ask me about video games and video game systems...I am the man for the job. Growing up around video games, arcades, and hand held electronic games, I'm quite knowledgeable in the gaming world. I do more than sell games. I offer recommendations, I show people how to download games from the Nintendo eShop, and I can tell people what the difference is between the XBOX Kinect and a standard XBOX 360.

The one thing that kind of shocks me about the video game section that I work in is the vast amount of games out there that are rated “M”. And, it seems to me that in my experience of working in electronics, I've sold more “M” rated games than any of the other ratings combined. And, for the life of me, I can't understand why there are so many.

I mean, this is just going to be my honest opinion here, and I know that I'm going to incur the wrath of teenagers all over the world by admitting this in print, but one thing that I wanted this blog to be is my true voice. What you see here is what you get with me. So, I'm just gonna come out with it.

The so-called “M” rated games that are the most popular bore me to tears.

There are, of course, some exceptions. If the video game has a decent plot and serves a purpose, I'm okay with playing a game regardless of what its rating is. And, I'll be one to admit that I don't mind the “Grand Theft Auto” series, though it's really less about the gameplay and more about the fact that the series uses actual songs by actual artists as the soundtrack of the game. I always thought it was kind of cool in a macabre way to listen to authentic 1980s music as you smash into other cars on the road.

But the vast majority of the “M” rated games that I've played just didn't interest me. I know that the “Call of Duty” series is insanely big right now, but the ones I played just didn't interest me at all. I am not a fan of shoot-em-up games. I never really have been. I tend to prefer games which involve a lot of problem solving and challenges. Games that really allow a person to use their brains to get through to the next level.



One game that I've recently rediscovered is “Super Mario 64”. It was a game that was originally released for the Nintendo 64 system way back in 1996. It was also remade and re-released for the Nintendo DS in 2004 (which is the version that I am currently playing). And it is so much fun!

The game (which is rated “E” for everyone) sounds like a simple one. You control Mario (or Luigi, Wario, or Yoshi in the Nintendo DS version) through a three dimensional world collecting stars hidden throughout each level. With each star you collect, you get one step closer to confronting Bowser and winning the game. The trick is that some stars require a lot of planning and thinking in order to get them, which adds to the fun. Some of my most favourite games in the world are the ones that require a lot of thinking and planning. And certainly the Mario series of games for the Nintendo fit this criteria. Nearly every single Mario game that I have played has had challenged me, and prompted me to seek out every single secret that could be found within the game. To me, finding the final star in a castle was much more fulfilling than running over a group of pedestrians in a stolen car while shooting at mobsters walking down a city street.

But again, that's just me, I suppose.

Right from the very beginning of the Super Mario series (with the 1985 game Super Mario Brothers) right up to the recent release of The New Super Mario Brothers 2 video game for the Nintendo 3DS in 2012, I have always loved the challenges and the secrets of the games. Secret 1-UP blocks, hidden warp whistles, discovering the elusive blue coloured Yoshi...that was fun to me. In fact, the Mario sidequests were often more fun than the ultimate goal in nearly all of the Mario games that I have played.

And this is where the blog takes its rather...dire turn.

Now, just going back to Super Mario 64 for a quick second, I was talking about the sidequests of the game. The real goal of the game is to go into the castle, defeat Bowser, and rescue a certain princess.

A princess who for whatever reason is a complete moron who allows herself to be kidnapped in practically every single Mario game ever invented.



This is the story of Princess Toadstool. And yes, I am calling her Princess Toadstool for this one. I know that the “cool kids” call her Princess Peach now, but I never really cared for that name. It just seems like a stereotypical weak name for an already perceived weak character. Or maybe it's because she was known as Princess Toadstool when I began playing Mario games, and the name just kind of stuck. Or, maybe it's simply because I cannot stomach eating peaches or anything peach flavoured. I don't know.

Whatever the case, let's talk about Princess TOADSTOOL.



It all began in 1985, with the release of the Nintendo Entertainment System and a game that reinvigorated the video gaming industry – Super Mario Brothers. The game featured Goombas, warp pipes, that 1-UP trick in Level 3-1 using a staircase and Koopa Troopas. All good times. There was just one little thing that was frustrating. Every fourth level of each world was a castle level, and in those castles, you had to fight Bowser a total of eight times while dodging lava pits, fireballs, and other traps. The main goal was to rescue Toadstool from Bowser's clutches, but whenever you got through the first seven castles, you would be greeted with this message.



And, this fueled my intense hatred for Toad. But that's a different story altogether.

Anyway, Mario went through a lot of stuff to try and save the life of Princess Toadstool. He dodged Bullet Bills, jumped across bottomless pits, swam with the Cheep Cheeps (I still LOATHE water levels to this day), and attacked Bowser a total of eight times all to save the life of the princess who rewarded Mario with a kiss. The end. Happily ever after.



That is until Bowser somehow ended up with seven kids, and Princess Toadstool allowed herself to get kidnapped again in Super Mario 3. This prompted Mario to go through the deserts, oceans, pipe mazes and through the clouds to rescue Princess Toadstool all over again.



Until she was kidnapped again in Super Mario World, Super Mario 64, The New Super Mario Brothers, etc...

Like, seriously. How stupid is Princess Toadstool? Honestly?

Has she not learned her lesson from the days in which Tears for Fears topped the charts and when The Cosby Show and Magnum P.I. were the top rated shows? You would have thought that she would have installed a security system inside that huge castle of hers, or hired a bodyguard, or at the very least taken some tae kwon do lessons!

I mean, it's almost as if she enjoys the attention that Mario and Luigi give her every time she gets kidnapped by Bowser and his minions! Her constant “I'm a damsel in distress and I need rescuing” was cute the first three or four games, but after that, it really made her look like a complete fool and the most useless game character in the whole world of Nintendo. Even more useless than TOAD, if you can believe it.

Unless of course, she's arranged with Bowser to kidnap her periodically, paying him off in gold coins and fire flowers, so that Mario and Luigi would grow to appreciate her more and more with each kidnapping attempt. If that were the case, then kudos to her for such a devious scheme. But, let's have a dose of reality here. She calls herself Peach. She's way too sweet and innocent to come up with a plot that would make Machiavelli beam with pride.



So, we go back to my original thought. Princess Toadstool is the most useless and weak video game character to ever be pixelated and the only reason why she exists is to make Mario walk through hell just to prove his love to her. When it's described like that, it kind of paints Toadstool in a rather negative light.

So, let's try to redeem her in some manner using other Mario games, shall we? Let's begin with Super Mario 2 from 1988 (which is actually a game called Doki Doki Panic which has Mario heads on the original characters, but that's not the point).



For the first time (but not the last) in Mario history, Princess Toadstool is a playable character. And as far as I am concerned, she's a fairly solid choice in certain areas. Granted, she's the weakest one to dig holes in the sand, and she's not exactly the most agile. Still, her ability to use her pink dress as a way to levitate across huge chasms is a godsend in areas where you need to do a lot of jumping. And that's a huge argument towards her actually serving more of a purpose than being locked away in a castle by an overweight tortoise.



She also redeemed herself in the Super Mario Kart series. Apparently during her frequent periods of captivity, Princess Toadstool learned how to drive a go-kart. I suppose she'd have to do something in between the periods of boredom that one would experience waiting for the moustached plumber beau to come and save them.

The funny thing about Princess Toadstool is that she was also a rather solid choice when it came to racing her on the various race tracks. Granted, I almost always choose Yoshi to play with in the Super Mario Kart games, but I'm not against using Toadstool. As long as she doesn't hit anything along the way, she accelerates rather nicely, and she is one of the better racers to use if attempting really tight turns.

In fact, I'm just gonna come right out and say it. In my personal opinion, Princess Toadstool is a BETTER DRIVER than Mario!

And, if you've ever played any of the installments of Mario Party, Princess Toadstool is a playable character in every single game. Of course, the abilities of Princess Toadstool in the Mario Party games is largely linked to how skilled a gamer the player is, so that might not be the best example.

So, as you can see, there's some examples where Princess Toadstool has exhibited greatness. Unfortunately, I don't think it's enough for her to really overcome her reputation of being “easy to kidnap and imprison”. She's been locked in a tower more than Lindsay Lohan has been checked into rehab. That's saying something.

And to end off this note as to how frustrating a character Princess Toadstool is, I'm going to provide one more game example. And this is a game in which Toadstool starts off being in peril, but becomes a hero. Yet, the way the game went about this transformation is absolutely maddening, and by the end of the game, it didn't really do much to change my opinion of her in a positive or negative manner.



The game is Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars. It was one of the final Super Nintendo games to be released, launched just in time for the 1996 Christmas season. I know this because it was my “big gift” for Christmas 1996, and I played it constantly.

The game starts off the same way that all of the other Mario games have ended. Mario storms Bowser's castle to rescue Princess Toadstool from his clutches for what seems like the 518th time. But just before Mario can grab Princess Toadstool and escape, something strange happens. A gigantic sword pierces through the sky, smashes through the top of Bowser's castle sending Mario, Bowser, and Toadstool sailing through the sky, and on top of that, the seven stars that grant wishes to the entire Mushroom Kingdom have been scattered throughout the world, causing a chain reaction that prevents wishes from coming true.

So, the new mission for Mario becomes this. Find Princess Toadstool and find all the stars necessary to make wishes come true again.

Mind you, the task to find Princess Toadstool lasts practically half the game. Granted, you get help from Mallow, Geno, and surprisingly enough Bowser (who is only tagging along to get his castle back) along the way. But when you finally locate Princess Toadstool, she's apparently gotten herself into another jam. She gets trapped in a tower by some ugly looking creature named Booster, and Booster's plan is to get married to Princess Toadstool so that he can experience the fun of having a wedding.

Mind you, Booster is so dumb (or possibly sheltered) that he doesn't even know what a wedding is. The only think that he seems to get is that at the end of the ceremony, you eat cake.

So, needless to say, Mario and the gang storm Booster's Tower, battle his minions, and end up chasing him and the princess all the way to Marrymore, a place where people exchange vows and eat cake. Or, so Booster says.



At any rate, Mario saves the princess from Booster, and stops the wedding from taking place (which concludes with fighting the wedding cake, which was just all kinds of weirdness, but I digress), and Princess Toadstool finally becomes a playable character.



Granted, as a playable character, her offense is quite...well...weak. Her weapons are umbrellas, scepters, and fans. Not exactly as effective as Mario's hammers and shells, Geno's star guns, and Bowser's chain chomps. But, what she lacks in attack power, she more than makes up for in magical power. She's kind of equivalent to a white mage in the Final Fantasy series in that she's your healer. She restores lost health, protects against status changes, and she can even bring a character back to life! It's one reason why I like using her in the final battles.

(My ideal team for the game is Mario, Geno, Toadstool. Not that this means anything to all of you...this is just the team that works the best for me.)

So, at the end of it all, Princess Toadstool is again, a solid choice as a playable character. When she's not locked up by Bowser, or Booster, or any other enemy, she's definitely someone you want on your side.

I just wish Nintendo would give her more of a chance to shine. Maybe we could even have a Super Princess Toadstool game, where she actually goes out on a quest to save Mario from Bowser.


I mean, if Samus Aran from Metroid, Dixie Kong from Donkey Kong Country 2 and 3, and countless female warriors from the Final Fantasy series can hold their own in a male dominated gaming world, surely Princess Toadstool is capable of standing up for herself as the strong woman she should be and not the helpless princess everyone else sees her as.

Friday, August 09, 2013

Summer of 4 ft. 2

Okay, so for this Friday's edition of the blog, I thought that we'd do an episode spotlight. It's been a while since I featured one of these, so I wanted to do a very special one.

As it turns out, today's featured topic comes from a show that debuted its first episode in December 1989...and is STILL AIRING TODAY.



So, let's get it out of the way. We're going to be featuring an episode from the long-running television series “The Simpsons”.

It seems hard to believe that the show is going to be airing its twenty-fifth season this fall. Twenty-five years! And, here's a really shocking fact for all of you still trying to comprehend this. When the series first began (and this isn't counting the fact that the Simpsons actually debuted on the Tracey Ullman Show two years prior in 1987), actress Yeardley Smith (who has voiced the character of Lisa Simpson since her creation) was just a young woman of twenty-five. On July 3, 2014, Yeardley Smith will be turning fifty! Therefore, Yeardley Smith has literally spent half of her life voicing Lisa Simpson! That is absolutely insane to me!



I have a bit of a confession to make now that I've mentioned Lisa Simpson. I have been a fan of “The Simpsons” since the very beginning, and have vivid memories of being an eight year old boy watching the very first episode of the series (the one where the family adopts Santa's Little Helper on Christmas Eve). When I was growing up, most of my classmates idolized Bart Simpson for the first three or four seasons, and then as we grew up, their favourite character either became Homer Simpson or Ralph “My Cat's Breath Smells Like Cat Food” Wiggum.

While I admit that I too find Homer hysterical, and while I'll admit to chuckling everytime I see Ralph “He's Gonna Smell Like Hot Dogs” Wiggum appear on screen, my favourite character has always been Lisa Simpson, and with good reason. We're a lot alike.

Okay, so I don't have really spiky hair that looks like a starfish, nor do I have a closet of red dresses that look like they were designed by Pebbles Flintstone. But I do know what Lisa went through. In elementary school, Lisa was always the brainy gal who always knew what the right answers were to everything and did more than her share of overachieving. She was essentially the anti-Bart. In a lot of ways, I felt like I understood her because I was considered one of the “smart kids”, which would have been fine.

Unfortunately, being the “smart kid” doesn't necessarily mean that you're automatically respected and liked. It was quite the opposite with me. Being the “smart kid” meant kids trying to copy off of your paper, and only wanting to be in your group so that you could do the work, and they could share the A or B grade. Believe me, I had a lot of kids in my elementary school who were like that...and suffice to say, I have little to zero contact with them today. But that's another issue for another time.

Anyway, I understood how Lisa felt. She was the smartest kid at Springfield Elementary, but nobody really seemed to care. Even Principal Skinner couldn't muster up enough enthusiasm to celebrate Lisa's talents.

And, you can forget about Lisa's classmates and peers. They spent more time making fun of her and ignoring her. Really, the only people who really seemed to give her any attention at all were Milhouse and Ralph “I Bent My Wookie” Wiggum. Her supposed best friend Janey was fair-weather at best, her friendship with Allison started off as a rivalry, and don't even get me started on those twin terrors Sherri and Terri.



CONFESSION: I despise those twins with the heat of a convection oven...which is exactly the kind of device I want to shove those two witches inside. Never liked them at all. I have no sympathy or love for “mean girls” - which coincidentally is the very reason why “Big Brother 15” absolutely takes the prize as the worst season ever...

Um, sorry, where was I? Oh, yes, Lisa has no friends. Got it.

And, that's where the episode “Summer of 4 ft. 2” begins (The title being a clever play on words of the film “Summer of '42”). The episode aired on May 19, 1996, and was the seventh season finale. It also happens to be the episode spotlight for today, and one of my Top 10 episodes of “The Simpsons” to ever air.



The story begins on the final day of school. As editor of the school yearbook (and really, how many elementary schools have yearbooks? I know mine certainly didn't), Lisa really put her heart and soul into making the yearbook the best one ever, and all she really wanted was to have her hard work rewarded by having people sign the inside of it.

Unfortunately, Lisa received zero signatures, making her already wounded self-esteem plummet even more. Contrast that to Bart, who has actually set up a booth for all the cool kids to line up at to sign his book.

Just in case you were wondering, Bart is supposedly the coolest kid at Springfield Elementary and Lisa is not.

So when neighbour-rooney Ned Flanders offers the entire Simpson family use of his beach cottage at Little Pwagmattasquarmsettport for the duration of the summer, Homer complains, but Marge is thrilled to have a real summer vacation. Marge, in the spirit of goodwill, tells Bart and Lisa that they could bring a friend with them to share in the summer fun. Bart immediately chooses Milhouse, but a depressed Lisa can't think of anyone to bring.

And this prompts little Lisa to completely reinvent herself by changing her entire look and personality. Therein lies the internal conflict for the episode.

How does Lisa achieve this while not making sure her family completely worries about her? Well, she uses her brain, and deduces that if she forgets to pack any clothing, then her mother will have to open up her wallet to purchase whatever she wants. And the plan seems to work because Lisa suddenly transforms into this beach bum.



Now that Lisa has gotten all dressed up in her “cool garb”, she decides to try and find some cool children to befriend. 



And after having a rather bizarre daydream after passing by a library in which the Mad Hatter holds Alice at gunpoint, she discovers a group of kids hanging around by the beach. She is initially afraid to approach them, thinking that they will be no different from Janey and the Bobbsey Twins. But Lisa Simpson is wearing cool clothes which have magically given her the power of self-confidence, and she proudly introduces herself to the group of kids.

TRIVIA: You won't know this until the very end of the episode, but the kids names are Erin, Rick, Dean, and Ben.

MORE TRIVIA: Most of you already knew this, but Erin is voiced by Hollywood starlet Christina Ricci. But what you didn't know was that all of Christina's lines were recorded over the telephone! At the time the voices were recorded, Christina already had another commitment and couldn't make it to the studio, so a compromise was made.



So, Lisa thinks that Erin and her posse like her because she acts cool, like, you know, whatever kind of cool. She totally plays dumb in hopes that they will find her cool (which, let me just state for the record that this is NEVER a good idea, which I will explain later on), which seems to work. The group of kids do everything together. They skateboard in the park, they admire sea creatures, and they just have a grand old time together. Lisa is relishing in the fact that she has people in her life who really like her, even if she kind of had to fib a bit in order to get the ball rolling. Still, the little beach town with the insanely long name has been a little piece of heaven for Lisa, and nothing and nobody was going to take that away from her...

...except maybe a ten-year-old brother with a jealous streak.

Bart has not had a great time of it all on the vacation at all. His father blew up the garbage disposal with a firecracker (okay, that part was hysterical and I wish I could find a video clip of it), he keeps getting the dud card on “Mystery Date” (a board game that I would never play myself), and bringing Milhouse along was kind of a misguided choice. Though, given that the alternatives were school bully Nelson, school geek Martin Prince, and Ralph “Me Fail English – That's Unpossible” Wiggum, what other choice did he have?

But perhaps the one thing that really frosted Bart's cupcakes was the fact that Lisa is the popular one, and Bart is fuming at that possibility. He can't understand why the trendy kids would love Lisa and ignore him.

In short, Bart is getting a taste of what Lisa basically had to endure her entire eight-year existence. And that prompted Bart to serve up a nice dish of revenge dipped in salt water taffy for flavouring.

How does he do this? Well, sometime before the family arrived in Lake Pwagma-whatstheplace when Lisa “forgot” to pack her stuff, Bart packed up something in his own luggage.



Lisa's unsigned yearbook – outing her as the grade grinding, club joining, overachiever. The very thing that he felt would destroy her new found friendships.

And when Bart showed Erin, Rick, Drew, and Ben the yearbook, Lisa ran away crying before any of them had the chance to react. The very next morning, Lisa went back to her old, depressed self with no friends.



Well, aside from this scene in which she attempts to attack Bart with a bottle of syrup. That was actually kind of cool.

But it is here where I go back to something that I talked about earlier. About how one should NEVER lie about who they are to attract people's attention. It never goes very well at all, and eventually even the little white lies that are told can become red and scorching hot. While it was terrible to see Lisa get hurt – it was foolish for her to think that her secrets wouldn't be exposed. After all, she has a brother who is so insecure about his social status that he would take anyone down a peg or two to maintain that hierarchy – even if it is someone related to her by blood.

And yet here's the thing. Although it takes Bart ramming Lisa so hard on the bumper cars that she sails right through a wall, Bart eventually realizes that his little stunt really hurt Lisa. But is there anything that he could do?

Well, as it turns out, when Lisa arrives back at the beach house, she hears some commotion going on around Homer's car. Initially when she realizes that Erin and her friends are around the car, Lisa is disgusted, thinking that they were only there to rub salt on the wounds that were freshly made some time earlier.



Instead, she found that they were rubbing seashells all over the side of Homer's car, using the shells to write out messages of love and adoration for their new friend. The gesture touches Lisa immensely, and she wonders why they would go to all that trouble. I think it's this quote by Erin that sums it up best.

We don't care about who you were. We just care about the cool person you are.”

Well, okay, maybe it's not as written. However, it's still sweet. And, Lisa has a nice bonding moment with her friends as well as a stark realization about herself. She didn't have to lie about who she was for anybody – not when she made friends with four of the nicest, non-judgmental people that she could have ever hoped to meet.

Of course, that moment was forever shattered by Homer having a cow over Lisa's friends destroying his car...but well, it was a nice moment at the time.

Besides, an even better moment comes from Bart's attempt at forgiveness at the very end of the episode when he proudly announces to Lisa that he showed Erin and her friends Lisa's yearbook. Lisa is at first, mortified...until Bart tells her to look inside the book.



(Now you know how I know the names of Lisa's friends.)



Oh, and one more thing. Milhouse signed it too. After all, we all know that Milhouse's crush on Lisa has lasted...well...a quarter of a century by now.



And as the sun sets on another blog entry, we see Lisa looking at the beautiful image...knowing that no matter how tough the world could be, she could always be herself and know that somewhere in the world, some people would love her and accept her just the way the was. Erin and her friends gave Lisa a beautiful gift that summer, and I think Lisa just may have given them something too – namely the ability to appreciate the wonders of sea life without having to watch an episode of “Baywatch” to do it.


Take THAT, Sherri and Terri!

Thursday, August 08, 2013

Life in Plastic Ain't Fantastic

Before I continue on with the Thursday Diary for this week, I thought that I would post a music video for all of you that is linked to today's subject.



Now, granted, I know that some of you are already annoyed by the song. I'll be the first to admit that “Barbie Girl” isn't my favourite song by Aqua.

(I'm more of a “Turn Back Time” kind of guy.)

However, the reason why I have posted this song is because of a song lyric that I purposely want to contradict. That sometimes life in plastic...ain't always fantastic. Now, I warn you ahead of time that a lot of the points that I will be making in this particular blog comes from a note that I wrote three years ago...but sometimes there comes a time

August 8, 2013

I can't believe it's the eighth of August already. It's a day that I like to refer to as “Crazy Eights” day, as if you write the date out numerically, it reads as 8/8. Get it? Crazy eights?

(Ahem...if you're stretching and you know it clap your hands! Clap Clap!)

Anyway, I suppose that since the theme of the day is “Crazy”, I thought that I would talk about a subject that drives me absolutely bonkers. It's something that I see many people doing – some of which who are absolutely beaming with pride over it. Yet as far as I am concerned, I think that it is totally unnecessary. And although I'll likely start up a debate with my honest opinion on this very subject, I still stand by my opinion.



That subject is on plastic and cosmetic surgery.

I mean, is it just me, or does it seem to me that more and more people out there in the world are becoming obsessed with cosmetic surgery? Everywhere we look we're bombarded by images of people getting nipped and tucked with the promise that if we want to we can look like we're twenty-eight again at any age!

And, I gotta tell you. I'm not all that impressed.

At 32, I have come to one conclusion about myself. I'm not the perfect specimen on what a man should look like. I have flab. My hair is thinning on top. And as for the rest of my body, I have so much hair that I could maybe give Robin Williams a run for his money!

(Well, okay...maybe it's not QUITE that bad.)

The truth is that for guys and gals all over the planet, many of us strive for that one little thing called perfection. We're all brainwashed into believing that perfection is the only way of living our lives. We have to have the perfect body. We have to have the perfect tan. We have to have the perfect smile. Perfect, perfect, perfect.

How perfectly ridiculous.

Here's a news flash. Perfection is impossible to achieve. It doesn't matter how good your genes are, or how much money you have to burn. Nobody is ever perfect. Everyone has that one little flaw about themselves whether they'll publicly admit to it or not.

Unfortunately, some people will not listen to reason. You could walk down Wilshire Boulevard in Los Angeles and scream that message out with a gigantic megaphone, and still people will tune you out. I mean, look at a place like Hollywood, California – a place that celebrates public bronzing and rewards the ability to squeeze into a size zero dress with prime roles in summer blockbusters. Many people strive to become a part of that inner circle of actors, directors and producers, and as far as I'm concerned, it's not something that I would want for myself at all.



My opinion is that it's a place where if you know the right plastic surgeon, then anybody can achieve their dream of being a living Barbie doll driving around in a pink, plastic convertible to their Malibu beach house where their equally plastic Ken is waiting for you with plastic underpants and a painted-on smile.

Yeah, that's not what I want out of life either. Besides, plastic underpants sound uncomfortable. I'll stick to cotton, thanks.

I guess what I struggle to come to terms with is why so many people would feel the need to alter their appearances with cosmetic surgery when in all honesty, there is absolutely nothing wrong with them at all. I just don't get it.

Before I go on with my arguments though, I just want to state that depending on the circumstances, I can see where cosmetic surgery can be a good thing. If a person gets a tattoo that they absolutely regret and they want to undergo a laser procedure to remove it, I say go for it. The same deal goes for reconstructive surgery after a severe car accident or a brutal round of cancer treatments, or if a person suffers severe burns.



And you know what? Even if people have a healthy attitude about going under the knife, and are absolutely honest about the work that they have had done (I'm specifically looking at Cher and Dolly Parton when I say this), then I'm going to respect them for it, because I believe that they had the procedures done because they wanted them for themselves. They didn't do it to impress other people or to get a film role.  Heck, the late Jeanne Cooper actually had a facelift done on the set of "The Young and the Restless", as a way of educating people on what plastic surgery is really like.

That said, I do wish that more people would accept the idea of aging gracefully. This might just be my crazy opinion, but I think that aging is one of the most beautiful things about life. All of those wrinkles, age spots, surgical scars from medical emergencies, and fine lines tell the story of a life that was well-lived. Every face tells a story, and sometimes the most interesting tales come from those who have the most laugh lines on their faces. But again, that's just from my perspective.

Again, I'm not completely against plastic surgery if it is done for the right reasons (some of which I have mentioned above). But what I do take issue to is the number of young women who are already naturally beautiful feeling as though that natural beauty simply isn't enough, and they feel that the only way to feel beautiful is to go under the knife and undergo a bunch of procedures that make them feel beautiful, when in reality they look no different from a Barbie doll or a Stepford wife.

Case in point...Heidi Montag. Now, many of you are wondering who Heidi Montag is. Apparently she starred on some reality show called “The Hills” with her husband Spencer Pratt, and some other wannabe reality show celebs who have seemingly disappeared since the show was axed a few years ago.

But anyway...when I look back at photos of Heidi Montag from, say, 2007, 2008...she was an absolutely gorgeous stunner. She had natural beauty, and her smile could light up a room. Therefore the very fact that she would have close to a dozen cosmetic surgeries in ONE DAY in an effort to enhance that beauty makes me want to bash my head against a wall.

Never mind the fact that Heidi Montag didn't need the surgery to begin with. At the time that she had the work done, she was TWENTY-THREE! I mean, seriously? I don't know about most of you out there, but when I was 23, I certainly didn't think about cosmetic surgery to improve my looks. The thought never even crossed my mind. When you're 23, you eat a sensible diet, you work out at a gym, you may even buy a brand new outfit...but to have plastic surgery? I mean, what was she thinking?



And here's the tragic irony of it all. When the scars healed and the swelling went down, I'm sorry to say it but all the work Heidi Montag went through to beautify herself was for naught. Sure, aesthetically, it looked good – in a completely manufactured plastic way. The natural beauty that once defined Heidi Montag was erased forever. A real shame.



And don't even get me started on the 2005 reality television series known as “The Swan”. The television show aired on FOX for, I believe two seasons – which according to me is two seasons too many, and the premise of the show was simple. You'd have a bunch of women competing against each other in a beauty pageant after they've had a makeover done, and the winner would be known as “The Swan”.

Now, if this show only focused on hair, wardrobe, and juggling flaming torches as they do on the Miss America pageant, it wouldn't have been such a big deal. But when you consider that “The Swan” basically took random women, performed EVERY POSSIBLE COSMETIC SURGERY IN THE WORLD on them, and then forced them to compete against each other in the pageant, that raises a red flag.

In fact, I'll state for the record...it was the most disgusting and cruel reality show ever produced and shame on FOX for greenlighting it.



Would you like an example to showcase what I mean? Well, here's a clip of the eventual season one winner, Rachel Love-Frasier. At the time the show was filmed, she was 27 years old. By clicking HERE, you can watch the transformation – if you can stomach it.

Now, granted, Rachel did seem very happy with the end result, and I'm certainly not going to take that emotion away from her. It was a life-changing event, and she seemed to really embrace her new look. The issue I have is...was it really necessary for her to undergo all that surgery when all she really may have needed was self-esteem?

I honestly thought that she looked beautiful before. If anything, the only problem that she had was that she had a father who didn't believe in her and a husband who was a complete pig. I imagine that had she cut both of them out of her life, she could have realized that she didn't need to have all that work done to impress them. I think a better way the show could have handled it was by giving her a “What Not To Wear” style makeover, letting the husband and father see her all dolled up, and then Rachel gaining the self-confidence needed to tell them to go suck an egg as she left them in the dust to pursue her brand new wonderful life.

That's something that I would have loved to see.



Here's the truth. People have cellulite. I don't care to read all about which stars have it at the supermarket counter, nor do I want to see an expose on Entertainment Tonight about it. It's insulting and embarrassing the way that these forms of media treat cellulite as if it is some contagious disease. Supermodels have it. The hosts of Entertainment Tonight have it. Hell, I'll bet you that I have it!!! It's cellulite, not leprosy! Sheesh!

And it's not just women who get the scrutiny about looks. As a man, I get bombarded by it too. If I don't have 6-pack abs and have the body to look good in a pair of Calvin Klein tighty-whities, then I best just throw myself off a cliff.

I think that society as a whole puts way too much pressure on people to look a certain way. Society's complete focus on outer beauty is so great that it makes others put less emphasis on inner beauty, if any is put on at all. And, that's a real shame. I'd rather live in a world filled with people who don't fit the mould and have healthy attitudes rather than a world of perfect looking people who act like complete jerks because of their ever growing insecurities.

I do not fit the role of being a tall, rugged, masculine looking, manly man. Well, okay, I AM tall, but that hardly constitutes being a perfect specimen. The difference is that I've accepted my imperfections as something that makes me unique. I have a snaggletooth and an overbite. I wear glasses. I have a bit of a soft gut. These are things that make me who I am. I suppose I could get veneers, laser eye surgery, and do about eighty thousand crunches to make my abs as hard as a rock...but I don't feel the need to do that. As long as my insides work perfectly fine and I'm in fairly good health, then that's all that matters. Besides, at the very least, I use Old Spice products, so I can be the man your man can smell like. I guess in a way, I really respect people who can look at themselves and tell themselves that they are great people both inside and out...people who are proud of their wrinkles and imperfections. People who don't give a damn what other people say except for those who truly matter to them.



And, really, that's what I find beautiful. People who can look at themselves in the mirror and like what they see no matter what size or shape they are. True beauty comes from within. I'm hoping that in this world there are more people who can see that anybody at any size or any age can have a truly beautiful life if they look within themselves.


Wouldn't that be beautiful?