Useless iPhone Apps That Actually Exist!

Hey, everyone!  Welcome to another edition of  FUNNY MONDAY, the day of the week which is designed to make all of you laugh.  But before I get started on this week's Funny Monday blog, I wanted to tell you a story that is linked to this entry.

How many of you out there own a smartphone?  I reckon that 95% of you in North America probably do.  Well, I just purchased my very first one yesterday.  And here it is below!

No, it's not the brand new iPhone 6.  I opted for the cheaper iPhone 5C.  And because I bought it on a contract plan rather than outright, it'll save me money in the long run.  It's really the first time I've made a commitment to get a smartphone because I kept on making excuses over why I didn't get one.  I said that they would be too expensive, or that I didn't have enough contacts to justify getting one, or that I would be too careless to have one because I would shatter the screen just hours after getting it.

(Just so you know, the phone is still intact nearly 24 hours after getting it, so it's nice to know that I'm not as much of a klutz as I think I am.)

Now certainly, smartphones have their positives and minuses.  I always saw them as being used as weapons of zombification, but I'm happy to report that I don't see myself being one of them.  I basically just got one because in the long run, it's cheaper than a landline, and it gives me a little extra freedom in the long run which is a bonus.

And of course, there's all of the apps that you can download on the iPhone.  I know I've downloaded several for my iPad device, and I may choose a couple to put on there (like maybe a pedometer or something similar), but for the most part I'm very picky when it comes to choosing apps.  I'll download a couple of games, or maybe a cool feature, but that's really it.  Truth be told, some of the apps available on the iTunes store aren't interesting to me.  And worse, some of them are absolutely useless.

And that's what this blog entry is all about.  Useless iPhone apps that actually exist.  And because I refuse to download them onto my own phone, I researched them instead.  And I give credit to PC Mag and Business Insider for the images displayed in this post.

1.  WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME?

As if you need an app to tell you what your nickname should be.  I've had no more than 20 different ones over the years.  Granted, some are not fit to be typed out in this mostly PG-rated blog, but I'll own them.

2.  iBEER

Okay, I'll admit that the idea of transforming your iPhone screen into a nice, frosty mug of beer is an interesting idea.  And, I think it would look cool to simulate drinking a beer using your phone.  But considering that the app costs ninety-nine cents to install, you'd best better save your money and buy some real beer.

(Though, the only beer you could actually buy with 99 cents is non-alcoholic...if that.)

3.  PANTIES DETECTOR

Okay, so this is obviously an app that combines the future telling abilities of Miss Cleo with the perversion of a drunken fraternity brother.  It supposedly uses some technology to determine what colour panties a woman is wearing.  Could you just imagine some random guy coming up a random girl with an iPhone telling them that they can guess what colour their thong is?  I'm sure that they'd have to get their iPhones surgically removed.

4.  ZIPS

This is the ideal app to download if you like doing the same exact thing over and over and over again.  Basically this app ensures that your iPhone's jeans stay zipped.  Or, if you're feeling a little frisky, you can unzip them.  Apparently there's even an additional feature where you can choose what colour underwear you can see underneath.  Could you imagine what would happen if PANTIES DETECTOR and ZIP ever merged? 

No.  I can't either.

5.  SIMSTAPLER

Now, here's an interesting app.  You are given a stapler to press to your heart's content, and you simply just hit the stapler.  There's even a place where your score is displayed so that you can keep track of how many times you hit the stapler.

Or, you could just...I don't know...buy a stapler.

6.  PASSION

Of all the apps that appear on the iPhone, this one is probably the most perverse and the most disturbing.  Using the built-in microphone, the app basically judges how well one...ahem...how should I put this.  Maybe I'll use the Sheldon Cooper term. 

The app basically measures how well two people perform coitus on each other and basically gives you a score of ten!  On the positive side, it might seem satisfying to know that someone who thinks they're a ten in the bedroom is really only a 2.2.  On the negative side, HOW THE HECK IS A PHONE SUPPOSED TO MEASURE THAT?

And another negative point.  EWWWWWWWW!!!

7.  TAXI HOLD 'EM

It basically transforms your iPhone screen into a gigantic TAXI sign that you can hold up to let a taxi driver know that you're wanting to hail a cab to the mall.  Or, you could save yourself the trouble of downloading the app and just catch a bus.  Or walk. 

Or at the very least if you want to hail a cab, have the app play this theme song!

8.  HAIR CLINIC FOR MAN AND WOMAN

Like many men and women in the world, I'll admit that my hair isn't as thick as it used to be.  And, I'm sure that many people who are losing their hair have undergone hair transplants, purchased a wig, or bought several bottles of Rogaine.  But I bet you didn't know that there was an app that allegedly sent out frequencies that stopped future hair loss and could regrow lost hair. 

You want to know why you don't know?  Because the app cost FOUR BUCKS!  And if I'm gonna spend four bucks on an app, you better believe it'll be on something worthwhile.  This is the iPhone equivalent of a placebo.

9.  KISS ME

Sure...why would you want to kiss a beautiful woman or a handsome man when you can lock lips with the cold and hard glass screen of your iPhone.  This app will allow you to kiss your screen however many times you want, and it can even measure how passionate of a kisser you really are.  Because everyone really wants to brag about how much they love French kissing their mobile devices.

10.  HANGTIME

Or, if you just don't really care what happens to your six hundred dollar cell phone, you could throw it up in the air and measure just how far you throw it and how long you can keep it airborne.  It also measures how your bank account will deplete after you smash said phone into a million pieces.