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Monday, May 23, 2016

Jack and Jill - 2011 Movie Moment

Unless you've been living underneath a rock, you probably have heard the sad story of Jack and Jill at one point.  Maybe it was at your nursery school.  Maybe it was at the library.  Maybe Ernie and Bert re-enacted the tale on an episode of "Sesame Street".  Wherever you heard the tale, it's a tale of frurstration, pain, and embarrassment.

You have a boy named Jack.  And you have a girl named Jill.  Now, there's nowhere in this story that depicts the relationship between Jack and Jill.  Jill could be Jack's sister, cousin, girlfriend, or that prostitute he met on the corner of Hollywood and Vine.  But the relationship doesn't really matter very much.  Jack is very thirsty and he wants some water to drink.

Now, I'm guessing that this story was probably written before stores started selling Dasani and Aquafina, because the only way that Jack can grab some water is to go up a gigantic hill.  And Jill, being extremely co-dependent, decides that she wants to go with him to get some water.

But tragedy strikes upon reaching the top of the hill.  Jack loses his footing, falls down the entire length of the hill and breaks his crown.  Now, whether that means an actual crown that he is wearing, or a porcelain crown on his tooth, I'm not quite sure.  All I know is that Jack had a crown, and it is now broken due to his klutziness.  And Jill - whether it be because of the hill being steep, or because she can't stand being left out - decides to come tumbling after.

There's no resolution at the end of the rhyme.  For all we know, Jack and Jill could have both ended up dead trying to get some H2O.  We never really do find out.

Of course, this was back in the 18th century.  I wonder what the rhyme might have gone like if it were written in...oh...2011, perhaps?

Jack and Jill released a film
Turned out to be very scary
The film, it tanked, it was so rank
Won lots of Golden Raspberries

Okay, that poem kind of sucked.  But then, so did the 2011 film "Jack and Jill".  Which has really nothing to do with the nursery rhyme at all - I just wanted a clever opening.

Seriously, this film was one of the worst films of the year 2011.  I mentioned in my little poem that it won lots of Golden Raspberry Awards - that's the ceremony that's like the Academy Awards, only instead of celebrating the best in film, they actually celebrate the worst.

And "Jack and Jill" probably holds a record that no other film wants to have - it won a record TEN Razzies!  And as far as I know, it is the only film to have won a Razzie in every single category.  Not even "Movie 43" was that bad...and I consider that film even worse than "Jack and Jill" - though not by much.

Seriously, check out this list of Golden Raspberry Awards that this film won. 

1.  WORST ACTOR - Adam Sandler
2.  WORST ACTRESS - Adam Sandler
6.  WORST DIRECTOR - Dennis Dugan
8.  WORST SCREEN COUPLE - Adam Sandler and anyone!

(NOTE:  #10 is because the movie was loosely based off "Glen or Glenda" - a film released in 1953.)

I'm guessing that the Golden Raspberry Awards Committee aren't fans of Adam Sandler.  Truth be told, neither am I.  The only Adam Sandler movies I enjoy feature Drew Barrymore.  But he must have been really terrible if he won for worst actor AND worst actress.

Well, that's because he played fraternal twins in this film.  Jack and Jill.  And the whole plot of the movie is this.  Jack is successful.  Jill is not.  And whenever Jack and Jill get together, they do more than fall down a hill trying to get water.  I won't really go into the plot details in this space because I don't think I can really get through it without either falling asleep at my keyboard or smashing my computer against the wall.  Trust me.  It's that bad.

In fact, if you go on the website "Rotten Tomatoes", you'll find that it only has a 3% Fresh rating.  That makes it one of the worst reviewed movies ever featured on that site. 

What really boggles my mind is the fact that this movie attracted some big name cameos.  What the hell was Al Pacino thinking signing up for this garbage?  I'll never understand it.  Same deal with Katie Holmes.  I mean, yeah, I get that her star power temporarily dimmed when she was married to Tom Cruise, but she's a very capable actress.  Why would she resort to this?

Though, I suppose this film is a perfect example of what life was like in 2011.  After all, Bruce Jenner and Jared Fogle were both in this movie, and as of 2016, one's a woman, and the other one's in jail for showing his five dollar footlong to the wrong age group.  Funny how five years can change people a lot, isn't it?

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