Random Thoughts Brought Upon By A Decapitation

Sometimes I like to go back to some old stuff that I wrote years ago, and see how much I've grown since then.  This was a piece I wrote way back in April 2009 - way before I started this blog.  And I have to say that it's bittersweet.  Eight years ago, I had an epiphany about life, and it was linked to the supportive co-workers that I had...but eight years on, most of that support has moved on, and I sort of find myself at a brutal crossroad that I'm unsure of how to overcome.  But looking back at this piece, it's nice to know that there was a time in which I didn't seem so jaded.  Hopefully I can find a way to get back to that again.

For now...enjoy the tale of how a broken garden statue became a philosophical moment.

I am about to confess to a crime. 

I murdered an innocent garden nymph in the middle of our garden centre area at approximately 1:15 in the afternoon of Thursday, April 16, 2009. 

The poor gal did not stand a chance. I merely brushed up against her with my elbow, and just like the popular rhyme involving ripping the tops off of dandelion plants, her head popped right off. 

Now, granted, the fairy was just a statue on the shelf, marked at $9.96, but needless to say, I bumped off an innocent young statue with her entire life ahead of her. She could have gone places. She could've been a part of the most beautiful garden in all of the world, surrounded by tulips, azaleas, and marigolds. Instead, she'll be buried in the depths of the west receiving trash compactor, destined to be forgotten in the abyss of time. 

Now that I have gotten that confession off of my chest, I can continue. 

Of course, why was I in the garden centre in the first place? If I not had been out there, this whole tragedy might never have happened, right? 

I was outside pricing the now deceased fairy statue, and all of her other friends too. For, while all the statues of cute frogs and scary looking garden gnomes were displayed beautifully, they were also deemed too priceless to sell to anybody. 

No, seriously, none of the items had price tags on them at all. 

So, with my trusty pricing label gun (which I almost smashed against the pavement on the ground for it getting jammed twice in the process), I stuck prices on every item made of stone, porcelain, and brick I could get my hands on. 

But, hey, at least I can say that fairy statue was the only casualty of the day. 

Truth be told, I actually liked being outside for the day. With all the plants and flowers in full bloom, and the nice breeze blowing through and the sun beaming down all day long, I was in a Zen-like state. It was peaceful, calm, and enjoyable. Of course, the sunburn I am currently dealing with is kind of sore, but who expects to get sunburned in the middle of April? Especially in Canada, where some people believe we frolic with the Eskimos and polar bears eleven months of the year. 

But, don't get me wrong. I am very content in my normal job of being a dairy stocker. No temptations for junk food, it's always nice and cool there, you never stand around doing nothing because it's always so incredibly fast-paced. It's great. 

And, while it has taken me nearly five years to realize this, I've come to the conclusion that I actually have it pretty good at my current job. 

I mean, sure, it's not the most glamourous or exciting place to work, and, granted, there are a LOT of things that could stand improvement there. But, all in all, I'm making the best of it. 

Times are tough all over, and in this recession (one of the worst that I've lived through thus far), I am lucky to have a job. Especially one with full-time hours. In that aspect, I'd rather work than be unemployed. 

But, also, I've noticed that I have a ton of people who care about me, and want to see me succeed.  

Let's be real. Five years ago, self-confidence was an issue for me in the aspect that I didn't have ANY whatsoever. I even explained and drilled that point at my interview, because I figured that I wouldn't get the job anyway. To my surprise, I did. And, over the years, I grew within the company from shopping cart collector to a man who can somewhat handle the day-to-day aspects of keeping an entire department looking good (although I will NEVER fully understand that Dairyland/Saputo order that is eight and a half pages of hell in itself). 

And, I got there through the support of my friends and co-workers at my workplace. 

That support means so very much to me. 

I know that I've had some good days, and that I've had some days that I would rather forget having. But, regardless of how sad or angry I might have gotten, my co-workers have never once turned their backs on me, and that means a lot. It was also something that was kind of new to me. Having been distrustful of people beforehand due to being bullied and embarrassed by former classmates and people who completely misunderstood me and never bothered to get to know me, it was hard for me to believe people when they said I was doing a good job. I had done such a good job of closing off my heart to people because I was always so afraid of having my trust abused and broken again. 

I'm now at the point where I do feel as though there are some people who I can really confide in, and, while it has taken a long time, I feel that I'm at the point in my life where I can be comfortable in my own skin. There are some days in which I feel like I am still not confident in my own abilities and my own strengths, and there are days in which I retreat into the wall I built up around myself. Fortunately, those days seem to be few and far between, and I do feel like I am getting better at knowing the one person who does count. Myself. 

My job is not perfect by any means. There are some days in which I admit that I'm sorry I came in, as I'm sure most of you reading this note are feeling, or have felt at one time in their lives. But, there are lots of good qualities about it too, and I am sorry that it took me this long to discover them. 

Of course, you must understand that if I ever come across that couple that tore me a new one because I dared put a limit on their cheese blocks that it will be war. I'll just make sure I have a lot of friends around to defend my honour, so to speak. 

And, in a strange and funny way, I never thought that I would be writing about my friends, because for the longest time, I didn't think that I was capable of having any. 

Working in retail though has made me realize that I have more people on my side than I ever did growing up. And, in a way, it makes a guy like me feel loved, and valued. 

Do I see myself staying there forever? Only time will tell. Personally, I would like to move on to bigger and better things at some point in the future. If that happens, it would be fantastic. But, if I end up staying, at least I would have some good, solid people by my side. And, if I have to get my badge bronzed, I no longer see it as a death sentence...well, most days anyway. 

And, to think, all it took was me killing a nymph to open my eyes to what was really important.

I wonder if that makes me happy, or just plain crazy?