Okay. So, you know when you have an idea for a Thursday Diary entry plotted out in your head, and you are all set to talk about it, and then something happens and you decide to completely flip the script and just wing it?
That's what this post is all about. It's completely unscripted, unplanned, and it's just my own personal thoughts that are going through my head at this time. And, I warn you...my winging it abilities are not very good. As a result, this blog entry might not seem as polished as some of my other works. But you know what? I have a lot on my mind that I really need to get off my chest, and I figure that now is as good a time as any.
I just hope that I can make it through this Thursday Diary entry without being whiny or annoying. It's always a risk one takes when they go “live”, so to speak. However, it's one that I think that I need to take.
And, to match the nervousness I am feeling, I'm changing up the ink colour to a nice orangey colour (I'd use yellow for caution, but it won't show up against the yellow background).
August 15, 2013
Is this month over yet? I mean, really, is it?
Sigh...I guess it's only typical. One of the most difficult months that I am currently experiencing and it happens to be one of the ones with thirty-one days. At least when I had my gall bladder removed, it was February, and it was only twenty-eight days.
I honestly don't know what it is about August that I am finding so difficult. I know some people have said that April is the cruellest month, but I have never really been a big fan of August. I mean, yeah, August has had some good moments (the birth of my nephew as well as my parents' wedding anniversary). And last August was a good one, as I finally spent time with an old friend who came up to visit during the summer.
But there's just something about August 2013 that has kind of made me a bit...well...crotchety.
I'm finding myself not enjoying things as well as I could be. I mean, yes, I did reveal a few days ago that I am simultaneously coming to terms with everything that has happened and that I am in a rather good place right now. And, for the most part, up until this month, I would have completely agreed with this point...to a degree.
And then August 2013 happened, and I find myself questioning everything about myself.
And to tell you the truth, I HATE having those feelings. I thought that I was completely past all of that by now, and yet here we are. The fifteenth of August. And, I'm finding that I don't really know myself as well as I thought I did.
Let me give you a bit of an idea as to what August has been like for me so far. It's been a month in which I haven't had a whole lot of downtime. I mean, I did take a tour of our annual rib festival this past Saturday, but aside from that, I've been basically all work and very little play. Not exactly what one would call a rather balanced life.
And I think this is the key to note when it comes to what I have been thinking about. Balance.
I'm gonna put it out there right now. When it comes to the subject of balance, there's only two words that I can use to describe my understanding of it.
I believe the cool kids call it an “epic fail”?
Well, I'll tell you what. August 2013 has most certainly “pwned” me in that regard (hey look, more “cool kid/nerd” lingo – I'm getting good at this teenspeak).
And, if there's any lesson that this month has been drilling into my head thus far, it is this. I don't know how to achieve that perfect balance in my life that so many people take for granted.
But then again, I've always had issues with balance...both in the emotional sense and the physical sense.
I still have vivid memories of kindergarten gym class. Now, I don't know if you remember some of the activities that you all performed in gym class as a five-year-old child, but one day in class, we had an obstacle course set up with dozens of stations for us to improve our athletic abilities. And as it so happens, one of those stations was a balance beam.
Well, okay, technically it wasn't a REAL balance beam. My elementary school was too cheap to pony up the dough for one of those. So my school used the poor man's version of a balance beam, which was an upside down bench.
(That should have been warning sign number one right there.)
Suffice to say, I didn't exactly do so well on the balance beam portion. I fell off the beam/bench halfway through and bruised my arm rather badly. Luckily, I didn't break it or sprain it...but needless to say, I had to use my left hand to finish my colouring assignments and well – I am not a southpaw by birth. Need I say more?
(And, come to think of it, this more than likely was a contributing factor to my lifelong hatred of P.E. Classes straight through my entire school career.)
Well, the reason why I have brought up this whole balance beam analogy is because it's very similar to the road in which I am taking currently, and it best describes how I am feeling during August 2013.
I'm just at a point in my life in which I feel as though I am losing control of what I once thought I had, and it's not a good feeling.
I feel as though I've spent so much time trying to perfect my professional life that I feel like I've left my personal life off to the side to gather cobwebs. And, this isn't the way that I saw myself living life...as a workoholic trying his best to make everyone happy that he's completely forgotten how to be happy himself.
I know that a couple of weeks ago, I was talking about how I wanted to try something new in my professional life. How I wanted a pair of scissors for the safety net that I call work. I still haven't changed my mind about that. But right now, I'd settle for trying to find a way to balance my work life with my home life. I've been doing a lousy job of it as of late.
Now, keep in mind that right now I'm in what you call a rather unique situation, as I've changed my job title a couple of times this year. And most days, I'm okay with the job that I am doing. But trying to keep track of all the latest gadgets, and sometimes being at a complete loss as to how to explain how those gadgets work...it just takes a lot out of a person, especially one who has only been in an area for six weeks. I don't feel as though I am grasping everything the way that I did when I was in the food department, or even in seasonal, and I get angry at myself for being so frustrated when I believed that those days were behind me.
The person who used to get frustrated when things went terribly wrong...that was the past. Everything is supposed to be balanced, and I'm supposed to keep a cool head at all times.
Well...that is until we got to August 2013, and everything got flipped upside down.
A year ago, I felt so much self-confidence about myself, and I was doing so well. Even a few days ago, I was doing not too badly, and was in a good place. But sometimes all it takes is one bad day for you to question the self-confidence you thought you had and it makes you re-evaluate everything you ever believed about yourself. Something happens that takes that perfect balance and completely tears it all apart.
I guess what I'm saying is that it took that bad day of having to pick up the pieces of what was once a balanced view of the world, and trying to figure out what the extra weight was that caused that scale to upset.
And right at this moment, that weight is my self-confidence at the workplace. Or rather, I should say, the lack of it. And, while I will absolutely credit every single one of my co-workers for being absolutely amazing and supportive, and who have likely helped me try to sound like less of an idiot savant in trying to explain how things work...there's a part of me that feels as though my being there is holding everyone back in some way.
Mind you, they'll also be the first ones to point out that I am being absolutely silly in thinking this way and they will tell me that I am doing well even though I might not see it. But when it comes down to it, my comfort level at this time in regards to what I am doing in my life right now is at an all-time low, and I don't know how to fix it.
I guess right now, all I can do is try to make it work as best I can, in hopes that one day I can find the balance that I need to continue finding success and happiness.
And also, I need to find a way to balance my professional life with my personal life. Because I know that if I can't make it happen, then nothing will ever improve.
I absolutely hate feeling this way, but sometimes when one has a bad time of it all, getting it out in print certainly helps. And strangely enough, I feel slightly better for getting it all out there. My self-confidence still needs a lot of work, and unfortunately, I cannot purchase a self-confidence booster shot at any store.
I'll get there...I am just as a loss as to how. Perhaps in the near future, a complete job change is in the works, or at the very least, trying to find options for improving my personal and social life, which I feel has been kept under lock and key for some time.
For now...there's still sixteen days left in the month. Here's hoping that they go by quickly. And here's hoping that September is better.