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Monday, July 14, 2014

When Classified Ads Go Terribly Wrong

I learned something last week.

I learned that a lot of you like to laugh.  And I learned that a lot of you seemed to enjoy the post that I made last Monday about wacky grocery signs.  Of the entries that I posted last week, that one seemed to get noticed the most.  This blog is a huge source of experimentation for me, and I love to throw new ideas out there to all of you reading this so that I can determine what works and what doesn't.

And since last Monday's post generated such a positive response, I thought that I'd motivate myself into doing another post like this.

I was a little concerned that MOTIVATION MONDAY would be dead in the water, but I think I've managed to find a way to breathe new life into it!  I may even come up with a new name for the day, actually...

...but not today.

I do promise you that I have some laughs for you.  And just as I did for last week, I have a collection of images for you that I hope will make you chuckle, snicker, or chortle.

But first, I thought that I would offer up the inspiration behind today's post topic.

I know that the Internet has more or less become the primary source of news in the world.  More people seem to get their news fix from Yahoo, Google, Daily Mail, or TMZ than ever before.  As a result of this, some magazines have folded, and others are simply adapting to the times by cutting down on copies printed to put more time in putting out an online version that is friendly to view on tablets and iPads.

Of course, all this does not mean the death of the newspaper.  The newspaper in my area is still available in print copy and has been for at least a century and a half.  Mind you, the newspaper could stand to have some proofreaders employed at its offices, but for the most part, it's somewhat decent.

Although when my newspaper makes an error in printing, they certainly do it in style.  You know how before the invention of eBay, Kijiji, and Craigslist, people used to take out classified ads to advertise items for sale, garage sale listings, apartment listings, and help wanted ads?  Well, in my newspaper, classified ads still exist (usually they can be found near the obituary section), and it was in a recent newspaper that I discovered this interesting page layout.  See if you can find out what the blunder is.

Does anyone not find it a have an ad advertising a garage sale where you can make money off of your things collecting dust right next to the place where people announce the deaths of their loved ones?  I don't know if the loved ones of the people featured in the daily obituaries would find the humour in having the obituaries next to an ad that promises to breathe new life into their old stuff.  Most awkward layout ever.

But this sets the tone for today's blog post.  I've searched the Internet for more classified ads that may have sounded great at the time, but were poorly executed.  Photo credits go to Huffington Post, and in this edition of...


I know I'm excited for this.  Let's begin with the first one.

Do I even want to know how a person would get a used tombstone in the first place?  Did they dig it up from a graveyard?  Or, did the person who it was bought for decide not to die and lived for another seventy years?  Either way, it's not a good deal.  You might actually find another person in the world named Homer HendelBergenHeizen, but matching up the date of birth and date of death exactly would be a challenge.  You'd have to spend a lot of money to get that tombstone altered.  What could be worse than buying a used tombstone?

Ahem...never mind.  I wonder if anyone is selling any cars.  I could sure use one.

Well, okay, maybe not this one.  I'd prefer to see the inside of the car, thanks.  And, I'd also like it not upside down.  And maybe one that hasn't gotten in an accident.  That isn't too much to ask, is it?

Oh, my gosh.  I was wondering if KITT from "Knight Rider" had any family.  Turns out, he's got a Mexican cousin!  How cool is that?  And, only thirty-five hundred dollars?  Muy bueno!

I'm a little confused about how having a hula hoop makes one better at cutting the grass, trimming the flowers, and maintaining the compost heap.  But hey, I didn't place the ad.  I don't judge.

I have news for you.  If it's got a slight urine smell, it's not like new.  That would be the same as setting a Porsche on fire and advertising that it has a slight smoky smell. 

Yes, would you please contact this person right now?  If you're still alive...that is?

I think my brain strained while trying to make sense of this ad.  I think it also explains why this person may still be looking for Ms. Right. 

Or, you could...I don't know...go to the supermarket and buy a WHOLE frozen turkey for the same price or less!  That way you can avoid getting an added bonus like bacteria and/or salmonella poisoning which can, you know, kill you?

Which then leads to the question...who's left to display?  Well, maybe we could substitute the missing figures with that plastic Santa Claus, that inflatable snowman across the street and a Cabbage Patch Kid.

I will give this guy a little bit of credit.  At least he's not fussy.  And at least he knows the age in which he won't be arrested for statutory rape.  He must be a keeper.

Here's a safe prediction.  I doubt that this seller would get any responses from any member of PETA.

Eighteen years old with twenty years of experience?  Well, I guess you don't really have to know math in order to place an ad in the newspaper.

But, it might be a good idea to actually know how to spell when you place an ad for a math "tutor".

Happy Valentine's Day, honey!  I couldn't get the reservation at the restaurant, but I did get the 5:00 booking at the funeral parlour where we can choose what caskets we want to be buried in!  Only the best for you, my love.

If YOU can make sense out of this ad, you're a much better man (or woman) than I am.

Yes, we have to do something about those diaper-clad feral children crawling around our neighbourhoods and we must do something now!!!

Well, aren't we just a little bit passive-aggressive today?

Oh, yes...I'm tired of making $9.75 per hour.  I'd gladly work for less so I can lose my house and sleep in my 1995 Nissan Maxima that isn't for sale.  Though making five bucks an hour for "staring" at someone would be an easy job...decisions, decisions...

I hate to break it to you...but I think we (munch munch) found your steer...

This ad only works because of the absolutely perfect justification settings on the classified page.

And, finally...


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