Well,
here it is, everyone! My final blog
post for a little while at least. This
weekend is the weekend in which I am unplugging everything in preparation for
the big move. I'm not sure when I will
be back up and running, but I am sure that it won't be long. And when I do come back, I will be
announcing a couple of changes to this blog...changes that I hope will affect
the quality of the blog, but will inevitably change the quantity. More on that when I get back.
In
the meantime, we have another episode of The New Archies to review. Let's get to it, shall we?
In
this episode (Episode 4A - The Awful Truth). we're going to learn just
how the truth can sting just a little too much. In the case of this episode, Eugene just may as well have shoved
scorpions down everybody's pants.
We
open the episode at Riverdale Junior High, where every girl in school is
crowding around a bulletin board. But
why? Is there a school club for girls? Is there a special offer that is first come,
first serve?
Well,
overhearing the conversation between Betty, Veronica, and Amani, we quickly
learn that the Junior Miss Riverdale Pageant is coming to Riverdale Junior
High, and apparently every girl in school tried out for it.
Well,
all except Amani who doesn't believe in beauty contests. Um, so why are you there Amani? I'm guessing to give moral support to Betty
and Veronica.
Oh,
that's right. Veronica's a
self-absorbed twit who thinks that she is hot stuff and that no amount of hair
spray would ever many anyone more beautiful than her. So, basically Amani is there for Betty because Betty isn't a
jerk. At least, not yet.
Hey...where
did that music come from? I hope it's
not foreshadowing.
Anyway,
Betty just wants to see if she's a finalist in the competition, and Amani comes
up with the idea to announce that Michael J. Fox happens to be in the
school! On one hand, kudos to the
showrunners for coming up with a then-recent reference to pop culture. On the other hand, by 1987, Fox had become a
star with "Family Ties" and "Back To The Future". Does Amani really think that she can trick a
bunch of junior high aged girls to leaving the bulletin board alone by claiming
that a celebrity would come and visit their podunk hamlet?
Apparently so. Wow, either Amani is
some super genius...or the girls of Riverdale are as dumb as posts.
At
any rate, there's a party going on at Lodge Mansion in celebration of Veronica
making it into the semi-finalist round, and judging by Betty's reaction, she
must have made it in as well. Again,
Amani didn't try out at all. Why is she
so excited? Then again, Amani could
just be offering her support to Betty, since Veronica is a deplorable human
being.
Betty,
Veronica, and Amani are so happy and excited that they fail to realize that
they are holding up the guys, and Archie, showing that he apparently has the
strength of a hundred men literally drags all three girls into the limousine
that is taking them to Veronica's house for a pool party! Wow, if this party is celebrating Veronica
being a semi-finalist, I can't wait to see what wingding they plan on having if
she won!
So,
if you ever wanted to know what pool parties in the 1980s were like, well, they
featured girls in ugly swimsuits, a personal chef grilling hot dogs, and what
appears to be "A Flock Of Seagulls" or "Honeymoon Suite"
playing for them. Wow, Veronica threw
wild parties even at age 12!
Ah,
and here comes Eugene with some sort of...invention. At first glance, it kind of looks like someone combined a
football with that vacuum cleaner from that Teletubbies show. And, of course, Eugene believes that it is
going to be an invention that will win him the Inventor of the Year award.
But
all it seems to do is make a whole lot of noise, which causes Reggie to screw
up his dive...
...and
Jughead spraying mustard all over his eyes.
While
Veronica walks over to yell at Eugene for interrupting her party, Amani and
Betty are discussing the pageant, in which Betty admits that she is nervous
about the question portion of the event.
After all, a beauty contest finalist can only wish for world peace for
so many times before people start to get bored. Interestingly enough, Eugene - who has gotten away from Veronica
- pops his head up through the bushes and asks Betty if she wants to be his
guinea pig for his project. Betty says
yes...but I don't think she quite understood what she was saying yes to.
Whatever
the case, Eugene turns on the machine and it blows a cloud of smoke into
Betty's face, and Betty goes from being sugar and spice and everything nice to
shrieking harpy bitch in six seconds.
Seriously,
Eugene's invention happens to be a truth telling machine that is more intense
than police polygraph tests. It makes
the person who was sprayed with it tell nothing but the truth...no matter how
hurtful it may be.
And
let's just say that Betty Cooper must have had a lot of deep rooted rage in her
heart because she holds nothing back.
Veronica almost gets ready to slap Betty after Betty calls her an
egotistical snob. She makes Reggie fall
into the pool again after she calls his diving lame. And Betty thinks that Archie's bathing suit is so tacky that
Archie actually falls over in his beach chair.
Ah,
but crafty Eugene doesn't want to know what Betty will tell him, so before she
bares her fangs and spews venom over him, he blasts her with another shot of
serum which causes Betty to stop being so honest and remorseful for her
actions.
Oh,
but wait. Veronica's getting a really
nasty idea. See, look. You can view it in her little thought
bubble. Since the truth telling machine
will cause Betty to only tell the truth, she can use it to make Betty and the
other contestants insult the judges so that Veronica will win by default.
In
other words, she has really learned nothing.
Ah,
but Eugene simply isn't going to let Veronica borrow the truth telling
invention the way that one would rent the VHS copy of "Dirty Dancing"
from Blockbuster Video. So, Veronica
decides that she'll get it...later.
Later
just happens to be in the middle of the night outside of Eugene's house. And surprise, surprise, she's dragged her
partner in crime Reggie with her.
Seriously, can these two be made any more unlikable?
But
hey, at least we get a chance to see what Eugene's room looks like. It kind of reminds me of Screech's room from
"Saved By The Bell" with all the electronic gadgets and gizmos. I half expect Kevin the Robot to make an
appearance.
Anyway,
Veronica decides that if Eugene won't lend her the truth machine...she'll just
break into his house and steal it. Wow,
resorting to breaking and entering to win a beauty contest. Isn't that the American way?
Unfortunately,
Veronica nearly foils her own plot when she steps on a horn and thinks that
she's screwed. But Eugene is too busy
dreaming about Amani in a bikini to wake up.
The
next day at school, Betty is prepared to open up her locker to grab homework,
her lunch, or the 378 photos of Archie that she has plastered everywhere when
she gets a shock!
Veronica
and Reggie have hidden in Betty's locker with Eugene's truth telling machine
and give Betty another dose of truth serum, reverting her back to her bitchy
ways and...
...wait
a minute. Reggie, Veronica, and the
truth machine all fit inside of Betty's locker? Just how big are the lockers at Riverdale Junior High? My high school lockers were never that big -
and I had one of the largest lockers in the whole school my senior year! I'm jealous!
Oh,
yeah. Back to the plot. Betty insults Mr. Weatherbee's weight and
likely ends up getting detention. She
also insults Miss Grundy and she will likely have to copy out Amani's favourite
section of the encyclopedia from "I Gotta Be Me, Or Is It You". She also tells a random student that she
didn't invite her to her party because she hates her guts...but since it's not
Amani, Veronica, or Big Ethel, we're not supposed to care.
Well,
after insulting everyone in the hallways of Riverdale Junior High, she decides
to pay Archie a visit in the art room, where he has painted a portrait of
Jughead. And, Betty, being influenced
by truth juice tells Archie that he has made Jughead look like a fat pig and
that his apple looks like it is rotten.
And
Betty must be telling the truth because Jughead comes to life in the painting
and tells Archie the same thing that Betty said - which would imply that Archie
has major issues, but nevertheless Archie has a sneaking suspicion that Eugene
has used his truth-telling machine on Betty and rushes out to find him before
Betty insults the President of the United States and starts World War III.
(Or,
at least before the beauty contest begins.)
But
when Archie finally finds Eugene in another classroom, Eugene is near
tears. Eugene tells Archie that someone
stole his machine, and that he should have just listened to Veronica when she
asked to borrow it. At which point,
Archie realizes Veronica's dirty scheme and decides to confront her about it.
Naturally,
Veronica denies having any involvement in Betty becoming Miss Honesty 1987 and
denies even having Eugene's truth-telling machine - at least until Betty comes
around and tells Veronica that her hair looks like a troll doll. Okay, so the real word she used was frizzy,
but same difference, right?
The
good news is that Archie sets out to go on a mission to retrieve the
truth-telling machine, spray Betty back to normal with it, and make Veronica
eat her words.
The
bad news? He's recruited Jughead to be
his partner in crime.
After
looking through the whole school for any evidence, Jughead and Archie are ready
to give up on the whole thing, but Archie has a brilliant idea. He suspects that Veronica would hide it in a
spot in which Archie and Jughead would never set foot in.
That's
right. The machine is in the girls'
gym.
And
let me tell you. Jughead and Archie
could learn some lessons from RuPaul in how to dress up in drag. Flour bags, potted plants, and mops are not
exactly accessories that the modern woman would ever wear.
But
it looks like Archie's found the machine hidden in Veronica's locker. Look!
It has her name written on it!
And it's four times the size of all the other lockers! My god, does she think she can have
everything she wants when she wants it?
I bet the water fountain next to her homeroom provides Perrier, and she
probably gets Miss Beazley to give her caviar for lunch!
At
the same time, Betty is about to approach the stage, getting ready to insult
everybody that she comes in contact with while Veronica is sitting on the
sidelines, cackling like a hyena knowing that Betty is about to become less
classy than Mama June and Honey Boo Boo!
But
alas, Veronica's plans are spoiled, and Archie and Jughead manage to turn on
the machine, zap Betty back to normal, and she becomes her usual, charming self
- with a lot of repressed anger, but I digress.
At
that point, Jughead puts on his Walkman to listen to music as Eugene has a
heart-warming reunion with his truth-telling machine.
But
the reunion does not last long, as Jughead accidentally knocks the machine out
of Eugene's hands, and it bounces across the auditorium floor. I mean it, it literally bounces like one of
those rubber balls that you would see in those lottery draws.
And
every time it bounces, it sprays truth serum all over random people.
First,
Archie gets sprayed, which causes Archie to admit what all of us knew
already. Eugene's inventions suck.
Jughead
gets sprayed next, and makes fun of Archie's hair, which causes Archie to make
fun of Jughead's name.
The
MC of the pageant is next, and he introduces Veronica Lodge as the biggest
spoiled brat he has ever seen. Totally
awesome.
Oh,
Veronica gets a blast of karmic retribution when she ends up sprayed, and
insults the MC's hair.
Eugene
finally gets the device to stop...but there is nothing he can do to stop the
insanity as the truth serum is all used up.
So, he is forced to watch with horror as the Junior Miss Riverdale
Pageant ends up being one gigantic mosh pit of hurt feelings and anger.
Then
again, isn't that how most pageants end?
Oh, and happy golden jubilee to my Mom and Dad! 50 years together. If only all marriages could last as long or longer.
