Greetings,
and happy Boxing Day to you!
I
know some of you will be braving the crowds to do some Boxing Day shopping, but
I don't believe in Day After Christmas sales.
So, that's why I'm spending today doing a New Archies
Reviewed blog
post instead to risking life and limb to get a deal on a new television.
Besides,
the one I got a year ago is working awesome!
So,
we've only got four 12-minute episodes to go, and I'll be honest with you. This one's not my favourite. It's probably the only one starring Jughead
that I thought was just...meh. But, I
have to review it. It's only fair.
Here's
Episode 12A:
Jughead's Millions. How he accumulated these
millions...well, you'll see.
For
now, we're treated to a bitching session among the students of MS. Grundy's
class about how unfair it is to be a kid in the 1980s, and how parents and
adults are so demanding and how they expect them to be perfect little angels,
and well...basically they sound no different from the teens of 2015, except
that in 2015, the kids use emojis and text messages to voice their displeasure.
Well,
MS. Grundy is tired of hearing her students complaining (and tired of Jughead
eating in her classroom), and so she assigns a project to her whole class
dealing with adult responsibilities.
And
just like that, she pronounces Archie and Betty husband and wife! Pretty sure you need to be ordained before
you marry people off, but whatever the case, it makes Reggie and Veronica
giggle like mad, knowing that their partners in "Future Shock" will
have to suffer with each other.
The
laughter stops when MS. Grundy declares that Reggie and Veronica will be Archie
and Betty's children. Sheesh, what did
Archie and Betty do to deserve such spoiled brats as kids?
MS.
Grundy hands Jughead the next assignment along with a five dollar bill. His mission? Invest the five dollars in the stock market. Sounds simple enough. I hope Jughead doesn't spend it all on
cheeseburgers or something stupid like that.
As
for Eugene, Moose, and blink and you'll miss her Amani, MS. Grundy makes them
learn responsibility by taking care of a baby.
But instead of one of those baby dolls that you see in high school home
economics classes, MS. Grundy opens up the closet and out pops a baby goat who
proceeds to eat everyone's homework.
Because keeping livestock locked up in a coat closet is a perfectly
reasonable thing to do in A JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL! Seriously, Grundy. You're
better than this!
The
bell rings, and Archie and Betty accompany Jughead to the Riverdale Stock
Exchange to invest his money in the stock exchange, while Veronica and Reggie
complain about being Archie and Betty's children. But they plan on being totally miserable human beings so that
Archie and Betty will ditch them and earn a failing grade on the assignment.
In
short, Reggie and Veronica vow to be themselves.
Jughead
meets with the financial advisor and while the advisor gives some suggestions
about what stocks to invest in, Jughead has found the perfect stock.
Son
of a batch of cookies. Cheeseburger
Enterprises? You mean to tell me that
Jughead DOES invest in cheeseburgers?
Sigh. At least with the stock
price being a dismal one cent a share, he can get 500 sheets of worthless paper
- which is actually more than buying a 500 pack of lined paper at Walmart. You know, I'm thinking too much into this
cartoon. Stop it, Matthew. Stop it now.
Of
course, Reggie and Veronica don't make it easy on Jughead. Reggie sticks his gum on the keyboard of the
computer which causes our financial advisor to get stuck. Archie punishes them by making them stand in
the corner. Wow, way to get firm,
Archie.
Reggie
then pushes some sort of button that releases a sea of ticker tape across the
whole office. Seriously, it's like Dick
Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve '88 has exploded all over the office.
But
amidst the sea of paper and chaos caused by the world's brattiest kids comes a
revelation. Cheeseburger Enterprises has
become one of the world's most improved companies, and the stock prices have
turned Jughead's five dollar investment into a million dollar windfall for our
beanie-headed needlenosed slacker!
Reggie
and Veronica soon realize that Unky Juggie is now worth more than they are, and
they start celebrating good times. But
Archie says "Come on", and lets Reggie and Veronica know that Jughead
would rather save the money.
To
which Jughead responds by telling Archie to stuff it, and proceeds to spend,
spend, spend...which Reggie and Veronica are only happy to oblige. Betty pipes up by saying that Jughead might
be overdoing it with the spending, which Archie agrees by saying "the
little woman's right". Wow,
Archie...just wow. Neanderthal, much?
Of
course, Jughead - never knowing what it really is like to be rich - doesn't
listen, and before you know it, he's opened up his own...
...WRESTLING
ARENA?!? The kids do realize that this
is a school assignment, right? I'm sure
MS. Grundy wouldn't approve of this.
Hell, if anything, MS. Grundy should be the one with the fortune since
it was her money that Jughead invested.
Then she can take off and leave her students behind for good until her
students manipulate her into coming back.
I
hate this show sometimes.
Okay,
so at Jughead's arena, Jughead introduces his friends to his three new female
wrestlers, who kind of look like Madonna, Valerie from "Josie and the
Pussycats", and Lilo from "Lilo & Stitch". The wrestlers look tough, but sexist Reggie
has to make fun of them saying that he doesn't think they look so tough.
They
respond by picking Reggie up, spinning him around the ring, and...
...tickling
him with feathers? Well, it's unusual,
I'll grant you that.
Of
course, Papa Archie catches Reggie before those mean girls tear out his spleen,
and informs them that they will be going to Jughead's mansion for dinner. Wait, Jughead has a new mansion? Just how far is Jughead going to take this?
And,
how bratty can Reggie and Veronica get?
It's bad enough that Jughead bought them ponies, but for them to ride
them in the house? Seriously, what
point is this episode trying to make?
People who become rich also become stupid?
Oh,
and because we can't forget about Eugene, Moose, and Imani Armani Anchovy
Amani, we see that the goat has found its way to Jughead's mansion and starts
to eat Jughead's lunch...
...as
well as a lampshade and a 60 watt light bulb.
Yep, PETA's not going to like this one bit.
Meanwhile,
Archie and Betty (who are seriously getting so screwed in this project), are
finding that their cooking skills absolutely suck (though Betty's improves a
lot when she goes into high school), and Archie slipping on a pot of bubbling
over rice just shows just how standards for this episode are slipping.
Reggie
and Veronica ride their ponies into the kitchen and their ponies throw them
into the dining room table. I'm so glad
this is a cartoon series...otherwise that sentence wouldn't make sense.
But
of course, Filet Mignon Reggie and Caviar Veronica think that Archie and Betty
could stand to take cooking lessons put on their best Gordon Ramsey impersonations
and tell them IT'S RAAAAAAAAW and that nobody would eat it.
Well,
except for maybe the very hungry caterpillar goat.
And,
just for no reason at all, Veronica throws rice all over Jughead, who has come
into the kitchen to inform everyone that he will be interviewed for a
television show that is based off of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous with a
host that is like Robin Leach, but isn't.
Okay, is this episode over yet? I
don't know what's happening anymore.
What
is happening is that Jughead is standing by the pool with the host of the show,
telling him that cheeseburgers got him his fame and fortune, and I roll my eyes
just a little bit more.
But
wait. A telegram comes for Jughead,
because it's the 1980s and telegrams were in vogue back then. Seems like Cheeseburger Enterprises has gone
bankrupt, and all of Jughead's fortune has been wiped out.
The
repo men come and take all of Jughead's possessions. The bank comes and changes the lock on the house. The wrestlers knock down Jughead's Wrestling Arena. The animal handler takes back the ponies,
which cause Reggie and Veronica to whine even more.
And
to add insult to injury, the goat knocks everyone into the pool, leaving
Jughead a literal washed-up has been.
I
guess this means that Jughead gets an F on the school project, huh?
But,
all the kids did learn one thing. They
learned that being adults is hard work, which is why they make a vow to never
age beyond seventeen for the rest of their existence. I'd say that's a reasonable goal, considering the subjects.
But
Reggie and Veronica are still upset that Archie and Betty treated them so
badly, and how they lost their ponies, and they want to finish the assignment
by letting them be the parents, and having Betty and Archie be their kids.
Of
course, MS. Grundy is wise to their scheme, and announces that she has two
concert tickets for a rock show and since the parents are too busy to do
household chores, Archie and Betty get the tickets instead! Sure, way to stiff the rest of the class
there, Grundy.
Reggie
then decides that he wants to go back to being a kid and swipes the tickets
from Archie's grasp...
...only
for the goat to eat the tickets instead.
And
everyone laughs closing out the episode.
Never mind that nobody gets to go to the concert, and that MS. Grundy
just lost a hundred bucks. The goat
made everyone miserable, so let's laugh instead.
You
know what, I'm not even going to comment on this episode any longer. The whole thing made no sense from beginning
to end. It almost felt like they
stitched together all of the deleted scenes from other episodes to make this
one. It's not the worst New Archies
episode made, but it's really, really bad.
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