The
holiday season is a time of year in which people get together for all
sorts of parties and celebrations. Whether you celebrate Christmas,
Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or any other holiday, I'm certain that most of you
will spend them with family, friends, or other people who mean a lot
to you at various gatherings and parties.
This
week's edition of the Thursday Diaries talks about a holiday party
that was recently held...and why I ended up flaking out of it.
November
29, 2012
Okay,
diary...I know it seems a bit weird that I keep referring to these
series of blog entries as the Thursday Diaries. After all, there are
no books involved...no pens, no pieces of paper...not even a key that
unlocks it. But, I was told by quite a few people in my life that I
should try to bring a little bit more of myself in these entries, so
I decided to take their advice. I think in some ways, it's working
out better because I get to share more of myself with all of you out
there....but also, I get to talk about topics that I likely wouldn't
be able to talk about in a standard entry on pop culture.
Most
recently, I was faced with another situation in which I was given
advice in regards to something else. Advice that upon retrospect I
probably should have taken.
I
guess I should explain. Last week was my workplace's Christmas
party. It was held at a banquet hall in town, and everybody who
worked at the store was invited. All you had to do was sign up
before a specific date so that the store's social committee could
figure out how much food to order.
There
were several people who signed up for it. I think that I lost count
after 100 people. And for what it was worth, I will say that our
store's social committee worked overtime in order to make the party a
success. They booked the venue, they bought the door prizes, and
they advertised the party in such a way that the whole store knew
about it within a matter of days.
And
yet, I chose not to attend. Instead, I went home and spent the
evening working on writing projects. And at first, I was comfortable
with my decision. I believed that I had made the right choice at the
time for a multitude of reasons.
But
then I went into work the very next day and heard people who had gone
to the party talking about how great a time they had, and I saw
pictures of the event that people had taken, and I was beginning to
change my stance, and felt like I had missed out on a good time.
Funny
how that works, huh?
So
I suppose that you're wondering why I decided not to go to the party.
It's a bit of a complicated explanation, and I fear that I may contradict myself when it comes to trying to talk it
out...but it's a risk I'm willing to take.
I
should state this from the very beginning. For most of my life, I
have had a really terrible experience with parties. When I was a
kid, I was lucky if I was invited to one or two birthday parties a
year, while all my other classmates went to at least half a dozen.
As far as people throwing me parties, that track record was even more
dismal. If I can remember correctly, I think I've only had two
surprise parties in thirty-one years of living. And that admission
is not one that is meant to induce sympathy or pity either...just
telling it like it is.
I
actually think that those experiences of going to parties as a child
(or lack thereof in my situation) sort of hindered my outlook on them
when I grew older. By the time I was old enough to pick and choose
what parties and social events I went to, I simply picked and chose
to not go. And in situations where I was forced to go to a social
event such as a wedding or a graduation party, I chose to keep to
myself in an isolated corner.
You
see, by that time of my life, I was completely over weddings,
parties, anything really. I felt incredibly uncomfortable being at
them in general...so uncomfortable that I ended up making excuses as
to why I would choose not to go. The venues were too crowded, the
music was too loud, I didn't want to go to a party without a
date...in my head they sounded logical, and I never really thought
much about it.
And
just as I had for every party that I flaked out on in the past, I
made excuses over why I didn't go to the Christmas party last week.
I didn't have a date, so I would have sat by myself. Many of the
people who signed up to attend the party were people who never really
bothered with me much in the first place, so why would the Christmas
party be any different? You know, foolish excuses like that.
Now
I feel as though I potentially missed out on what could have been a
great time.
I
mean, yeah, it's entirely possible that the excuses that I kept
making for myself could have happened. Yet, it's also entirely
possible that these excuses were all in my head and that I was
purposely trying to get out of spending time in social gatherings.
The
only question that I keep asking myself is...why do I do this?
Well,
I think it boils down to this. And bear with me here, it's hard to
explain.
I
was thinking that because I had a few bad experiences with parties in
my youth, that no party was worth going through that again. So, I
ended up rejecting any invitation to parties that contained more than
three people (which I'm not really sure if a party of four counts as
a party) because I couldn't face the prospect of going there just to
be ignored or have a bad time.
And
what ultimately happened was that I had a bad time at home feeling
sorry for myself.
You
see, what I didn't realize was that by rejecting party invitations, I
was basically closing the doors to future events. I mean, think
about it for a second. If you heard that a person rejected six
different party invitations, would you even make the effort to invite
them to your party?
So,
eventually the party invitations just stopped coming...and it was of
my own doing...though my mindset at the time was all about blaming
others for being snobbish and stuck-up as to not including me in
their celebrations. So, yes, I'll own that. A lot of my bad party
experiences were of my own doing.
I'm
not sure why I spent so much time trying to avoid parties...I can
only made educated guesses. I refused to go to the after-party for
my high school graduation because, well, let's face it...would you
want to hobknob with the very people who spent four to five years
bullying you? I don't think so. At the same time, there were some
people at my school that I did like, and who did attend the same
party that I could have hung around with instead. A missed
opportunity, I guess.
And
looking back on it, I suppose that my decision to skip the Christmas
party at work was based on a lot of those insecurities that I had
growing up...insecurities that admittedly still bother me as an
adult. Insecurities that I want to obliterate from my personality
once and for all. I mean, many of the people at that party were co-workers of mine...some I've known for eight years. Why would I be afraid to be myself in front of them at a Christmas party when I am known for making a fool out of myself at work all the time? It makes no sense...and yet, here we are.
I think that the only way that I'll be able to conquer my insecurities and anxieties regarding social gatherings is by going to more of them, and getting better acquainted with how they run. And
I suppose if it means grinning and bearing it at social events in the
future, it might be worth it, if it means that I become more socially approachable in the process.
I
guess it's something to think about.
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