Waiting on the Universe - A Holiday Wish

“The Pop Culture Addict's Advent Calendar” continues with Day #6. This is another edition of the brand new feature known as the Thursday Diaries, and I'm going to keep these series of personal reflections somewhat holiday themed for the next few weeks.

In today's edition, I talk about something that I really want out of life...as well as the realization that as of right now, I am nowhere near ready for it. Confused? Read on.

December 6, 2012

It's hard to believe that Christmas is less than twenty days away now. You know that's one downside to growing older. It seems as though the older you get, the faster time flows.

I remember being a kid and thinking that it would be forever before Christmas came around. The anticipation of waiting for Christmas was almost maddening. And now as a thirty-one year old, it seems as though Christmases come at me with the speed of a bullet firing out of a gun! Of course, that could partly be related to the fact that stores often set up their holiday displays on the first of November.

Now, I get that some people seem to believe that I am a bit of a Scrooge when it comes to the holidays. And yes, I do tend to take popular Christmas songs and redo them in the style known as the “Bastardization of Christmas Past”. But, hey, if you were forced to listen to holiday music for eight and a half hours in a row at your workplace, it would drive you crazy too.

The truth is that I love the holidays and everything about them. Holidays are a time in which you enjoy people's company, and you do nice things for people just because you feel like it (although to be fair, one should be doing these sorts of things all year round).

There's just something about the month of December that makes me smile for whatever reason. Even if a person were to get in my face and yell at me, I'd still smile happily like a goon because its the season to do so.

(Besides, the more I show a smile to a disgruntled person, the more disgruntled the person gets. Merry Christmas!)

Still, there's one thing that I feel that is missing when it comes to the holidays. And that's what I want to talk about here.

You know, I do a lot of social networking to try and promote myself as a writer so that I can get people to read my work, enjoy what I have to say, offer me a job...

...okay, so that last one hasn't happened yet. At least I'm hopeful.

Anyway, part of the appeal to promoting my work on social networking sites is being able to share my thoughts with hundreds, maybe even thousands of people who might not have been able to before. And, while I'm having fun posting my work, I'm also enjoying reading other people's posts, and seeing what people I haven't seen in years are up to.

I must admit that it is a bit surprising to see how many of my classmates from elementary school have settled down with a spouse and children of their own. Now, don't get me wrong, I am very happy for my friends, and I'm sure that every one of them are happily putting up the Christmas tree and taking their little ones to see Santa at the mall.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want that too.

Yes, the holidays are all about spending time with loved ones, and don't get me wrong, I'll be spending this holiday season with my family members. And, yes, I do get a lot of joy wrapping up gifts for my niece and three nephews.

You know, I'll come clean right now. At Christmastime, I spoil them rotten. And I make no apologies for it.

You see, quite often around the holidays, I often get lectured by other family members about going a little bit overboard in terms of holiday shopping. Last year, I actually remember feeling quite terrible after certain members of my family sort of responded less than favourably over the idea that I did give a lot of gifts out to my nephews and niece. Whether it was because they felt that I had upstaged them in some manner, or whether they were concerned that I had spent so much money (which I really didn't because I know how to shop on a budget), I don't really know. I might never know.

To be honest, they didn't understand why I would be so generous to my nephews and niece. But for me, the answer is crystal clear. Since I don't have kids of my own, I suppose I spoil my nephews and niece to fill some sort of void in my life.

I guess I'm one of those people who feels that the holidays would be made even more special if there were kids around. I suppose that I could have the same feeling if I was the photographer at a “Take Your Picture With Santa” display, or if I was volunteering at a hospital for sick children. But I don't know...I guess I just always had the image of having my own family by now, and really immersing myself in the holiday spirit helping my kids trim the tree, bake cookies, and singing Christmas carols around a fire (or at the very least, the DVD of six hours of continuous Yule log burning).

However, with that dream comes the harsh reality of my situation. As much as I want a wife and children, I know that I am in no position to have them at this stage in my life.

Let's talk reality here. My living situation is such that I can't afford a decent place to live. It's cramped, tiny, and my neighbours are not exactly the most friendliest crowd in the bunch. I don't like where I am at right now, but it's all that I can afford. Certainly not the kind of place where I would ideally want to raise a family.

And while we're on the subject, in order to have a child...I kind of need to have someone to have a child with. And I'm nowhere near at the stage of my life or have the emotional maturity to so much as get involved in a serious relationship with anyone. I've made a lot of progress in trying to figure out who I am, but I still have a long ways to go. I would ideally need to feel as comfortable as I can about myself before attempting to bring someone else into my life to share it with me. To some of you reading this, you may be scratching your heads at that one, but others of you will get this right away.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I do want to have a family of my own...but at the same time, I know that it can't happen right now because I'm not ready. I always told myself that if I ever got married and had a family of my own, I would make it work. And maybe one day it will happen, and I will make it work just fine. But the responsibility of having a family is a really big one...and at the age of thirty-one, I don't know if I can handle it.

And who knows? Maybe being a husband and father just isn't in the cards for me at all...and if it ends up that I leave this Earth without that, so be it. But, as of right now, I still would like that dream to come true, so I have no choice but to hold on to it unless I have that realization.

Even if I have to wait until I am fifty to make it happen.

I guess for now, I'll just have to be content spoiling my nephews and niece. Who knows? Maybe 2013 will completely change my whole perspective.

Until then, happy holidays to you and yours!

Coming up on Day #7, we're going to be taking a look at a BBC dramatic series that knows how to ring in a holiday season...only their Christmases are filled with affairs, scandals, and murder!