I'm
always reminded around this time of year to watch out and not cry. I've also been told not to pout because
Santa Claus is coming to town.
I've
also been told he sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake,
and he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.
Or,
so they tell me.
Anyway,
in this latest installment of The New Archies Reviewed, Archie and Eugene toy with
the idea of doing something naughty in order to get a nice result. But when their consciences get the better of
them, will they change their minds before Santa drops a lump of coal in their
stockings?
Well,
it's Day #18 in A POP CULTURE ADDICT'S ADVENT CALENDAR, so let's have a look and
see with today's episode.
This
is Episode 11B: Gunk
For Gold!
Now,
normally I would say that it is way too cold outside to be thinking about
playing a soccer game in the middle of December, but here in Ontario, we're
going up to fifty-five degrees Fahrenheit on Christmas Eve. We'll just go with the fact that this takes
place in December.
Anyway,
Archie and the gang (who are dressed in the appropriate blue and gold as
opposed to the red uniforms the football team wore) are trying to play a game
against the Bainbridge Bongoes, and they are absolutely failing miserably. I mean, just look at Coach Kleats'
expression. Mind you, Coach Kleats is
NEVER happy in this series, but in this case he has reason to be. The entire soccer team, known as the
Riverdale Rockets are absolutely horrible.
Wait...Riverdale
Rockets? Another thing they got
wrong! The team name is the
BULLDOGS!!! Sheesh. Oh well, maybe the Rockets were the junior
high school name.
And
apparently, like the United States of America, nobody at Riverdale cares about
soccer. The spectators for the home team
are MS. Grundy and Mr. Weatherbee...and one of them doesn't look like they even
want to be there!
Somehow
though, I understand why they are doing bad.
I mean, if the other team can hire a paparazzi person to blind the very
vain Veronica on the field, then Riverdale deserves to lose based on that fact
alone.
Though,
secretly, I'd love for Riverdale to win one game, just so they can make a
mockery of the uber-annoying team captain of the Bongoes, Biff. His laugh is more annoying than Seth Rogen's
and he is so obnoxious he makes Reggie look like Princess Diana.
Long
story short, the Rockets lose for the third straight game, and everyone is
really bummed about the loss. Some of
them are willing to hang up their soccer cleats once and for all.
I
mean, when you have Biff entering the opposing team's locker room to make fun
of you, you know that can't be a good thing.
You
want to know who is optimistic about the team?
Archie Andrews, that's who. And
to prove it, he tells the team that they can do whatever they put their minds
to, and quotes the great Billy Ocean by saying "when the going gets tough,
the tough get going".
You
know, that's a great song. Let's add it
in here.
Of
course, not even the smooth vocal stylings of Mr. Ocean, nor the optimism of
Archie can convince the rest of the team that they will be the stars of the
school, and they leave poor Archie standing there like a fool.
Well,
it looks like hours later, Archie and Eugene are working together on a science
project. Notice that Archie is eating a
big slice of pizza while Eugene is making some sort of reddish liquid. Unless it's black cherry soda, I don't care
what Eugene's making.
But
a funny thing happens. Did you know
that when you mix that red stuff with a combination of melted mozzarella
cheese, tomato sauce, and pepperoni, you make it turn green and bounce all
around the room? Seriously, Archie,
watch where you eat your dinner!
Archie
tries his best to catch the bouncy green ball, and he thinks he succeeds by
jumping on top of it. But the bouncy
green gunk catapults Archie out the second story window breaking his neck and
killing him instantly.
Just
kidding.
No,
that green gunk has apparently made Archie jump super high...and apparently has
made him believe that he is Marky Mark with the posing that he's doing. And Eugene has a few ideas to test the gunk
out.
First,
he throws a basketball towards Archie, who sinks it in the basket without
breaking a sweat.
Then
he tosses the old pigskin towards Archie, who jumps almost as high as that
skyscraper in the background.
Archie
then declares that the gunk they created is fantastic, and that he and Eugene
should do something with it. Well, we
know that they can't legally SELL it.
Because we all know that Archie and Eugene basically invented
"Flubber", which the Nutty Professor created back in 1961. But since the name Flubber is trademarked,
they just refer to it as super gunk.
Ah,
this is where Gunk for Gold comes in...oh, wait. Oh damn. Damn damn
damn. Please for the love of God tell
me this isn't the magic feet episode.
I'm getting a sinking feeling about this one.
You
know, Reggie suddenly pops up with a soccer ball, and stares at Archie and
Eugene, and I'm relieved to see him.
This buys me some time before I inevitably have to recap the...magic
feet portion of the episode.
See,
Reggie has an idea to use the gunk to make the soccer team better. He tells Archie and Eugene that it is their
duty to test the gunk out, so he gets them to spread the gunk on the bottom of
everyone's soccer shoes. After all, the
captain of the Bongoes is evil. More
evil than Reggie. They have to show him
karmic retribution.
Of
course, the only ones who know about the secret are Archie, Eugene, and
Reggie. And at the next game, the three
of them try to tell everyone else that they should believe in themselves
because they now have "magic feet".
Oh, dear lord, it IS that episode.
Shoot me. Shoot me now.
At
first the rest of the team scoffs at the notion, but when Jughead suddenly
loses control of his feet, it convinces the rest of the team that maybe they
have the goods after all.
I
won't bore you with the recap of the games...just that the team does
significantly better and perform moves that would probably make a referee
wonder if he should reprimand them or cheer them on.
Turns
out that the team is making the comeback of the century, all thanks to the gunk
that gave them magic feet. They do so
well that they end up winning the next three games. See, look at the scoreboard!
Oh,
and there's Betty and Veronica doing a magic feet cheer. I'd crawl into a hole and die at this point
over how cheesy this is, but I have to say...when Betty and Veronica are doing
this cheer, it is kind of cute. A lot
cuter than say, if Jughead and Moose were in their positions.
And
in the seat behind them, Archie and Eugene are looking tired and miserable,
which prompts Betty to ask them why they are upset. After all, the team doesn't suck any more! But I think in Archie's case, he's starting
to realize that winning by taking the easy way out isn't as much fun as he
believed it would be.
But
his conscience isn't strong enough to stop using the gunk. At the next game, Jughead is so cool, calm,
and collected that he actually listens to his Walkman, eats a burger and moonwalks across the
soccer field! He better be listening to
Michael Jackson's "The Way You Make Me Feel".
Ooooh...that's
another awesome song. Let's add it in
as well!
Also,
I'm pretty sure that Jughead wearing a Walkman on the soccer field is against
the rules...but what do I know? I've
never played soccer professionally.
Oh,
and there's also another scene where Big Ethel simultaneously injures eight
players at once while Moose headbutts the soccer ball into the opposing goal,
saying that he felt like Kareem-Abdul Jabbar the whole time.
Because
Kareem-Abdul Jabbar was a well-known soccer basketball player...
And
as the Riverdale Rockets win one game after another, Archie's nerves start to
get the better of him. He talks to MS.
Grundy about it, but doesn't exactly reveal that he and Eugene have been using
the gunk to make their team unstoppable.
Instead, as he plants a rubber glove (seriously, he does), he listens to
MS. Grundy's wise words as she basically tells him that it's better to keep
your integrity in check rather than take the easy way out.
It's
in that moment that Archie and Eugene realize they have to come clean.
I
sure wish that they didn't start by contacting the Riverdale newspaper. For one, Reggie's dad owns it, and judging
by the way he laughs in their ears over the receiver, Reggie's dad is as much
of an unethical jerk as Reggie is himself.
No,
instead, they gather the whole team together at Pop's, and confess
everything. And how they confess is
through visual aid. Archie grabs Jughead's
beanie, dips it in the gunk, and throws it towards the video arcade.
Where
Archie quickly realizes that he owes three people in the arcade a quarter each
for distracting them from their game by a super bouncy hat.
Once
the gang realizes that Archie, Eugene, and Reggie have duped them, they rip off
their heads and use them as soccer balls Archie has the team make a
decision. Do they want to use the gunk
at the final match of the season to make Biff eat his words, or do they not use
the gunk and play a good clean match even though the final score could be so
horrendous that the only way the Riverdale Rockets could ever play soccer again
is if they relocate to Siberia.
Reggie
naturally wants to keep cheating. The
rest of the team...not so much.
The
action shifts over to the last game of the season, and the Riverdale Rockets
are playing the Bainbridge Bongoes.
Look how excited the team looks to get out on the field!
Wow...if
that's excitement, I'd hate to see what depression looks like.
It
doesn't take long to realize that the team opted not to use the gunk after all
because they all felt that cheating was wrong.
After all, no team that uses gunk knocks each other out on the soccer
field like Moose and Reggie have displayed here. And of course, Biff's laughter and attitude are just as obnoxious
as ever.
Long
story short, the crowd of supporters seems to be shocked that once again, their
team sucks.
And
by the end of the first half of the game, the Bongoes lead the Rockets
6-0. I have no idea if that's a good
score or not, but either way, the Rockets have a lot of work to do.
And
as the Rockets feel sorry for themselves, and Veronica verbally declares that
they are no good without gunk, Archie pulls out his soapbox and announces that
it wasn't the gunk that made them the team they are (well, actually, it was),
but instead it was their ability to believe in themselves enough to actually
put forth the honest effort needed to win all those games. It wasn't the gunk that gave them
"magic feet" (actually it was), but their determination.
And
just like that, the team thinks that Archie is Gandhi and they start chanting
"magic feet" as if they were under his hypnosis.
Soon
after, MS. Grundy leads the crowd into doing a "MAGIC FEET! MAGIC FEET!" chorus, and it is
seriously taking everything in me not to throw up right now.
So
in the second half of the game, the team's newfound confidence allows the team
to play at their very best, adding goals to their own total, and...
...and
I'm pretty sure that what Ethel and Jughead are doing is AGAINST THE RULES AND
WOULD GET BOTH OF THEM EJECTED FROM THE GAME!!!
But
whatever...score's 6-6, and there's a minute left in play.
Oh,
look. It's Amani for her required 30
seconds of airtime to score the winning goal for the team!
GOAL!!!
The
crowd goes wild! MS. Grundy and Mr.
Weatherbee are losing their minds. The
Magic Feet tour bus has arrived at the station. And Archie is thrilled that his power to motivate people
continues to work!
We
end the episode with MS. Grundy looking at a photo of the team winning the
championship, which MS. Grundy adds was done fair and square. This makes me wonder if she knew all along
that they were cheating...I guess we'll never know.
Okay,
so the pros of the episode? Well, I
think this one of only two episodes (the other one is "Stealing The Show") that features the whole cast. All of the kids appear in it, as well as the
two main adults. So, that's very
special. The episode also has a couple
of good messages for kids. One is that
you should never cheat your way through life because you won't feel good about
it. And the other is that if you
believe in yourself enough, you can get through anything.
But
if I hear the words Magic Feet one more time...I'm gonna scream.
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