I suppose if there was an
appropriate song to post that sets the mood for this Thursday
confession, it'd probably be this one.
The song that you're
hearing (or just heard) is a song by Steely Dan, entitled “Peg”.
It was released in late 1977 and just missed cracking the Top 10,
peaking at #11 on the Billboard charts. The song's about a woman who
makes it big in the entertainment industry, and how she has an
admirer from afar (more than likely a fan who has seen her on the big
screen).
(Or, at least, that's the
meaning that I take from the song anyway. There are several meanings
that I've heard, but I won't get into it here.)
Anyway, I want you all to
listen to the song, because there is one particular lyric that I want
to highlight in this particular part of the song.
I like
your pin shot
I keep it
with your letter
Done up in
blueprint blue
It sure
looks good on you
And
when you smile for the camera
I know
I'll love you better
You
see the bit in bold? That bit in bold has to do with my confession
for today.
THURSDAY
CONFESSION #16:
I HATE
getting my picture taken!
In
the Steely Dan song, “Peg” seemed to really enjoy being the
subject of having her photo taken and absorbing the light that came
from camera flash bulbs.
Well,
I'm not Peg. And, I would rather have gone to the dentist to have
all my teeth pulled out than get my photo taken.
I
wouldn't say it's because I have a fear of cameras. I may not like
getting my picture taken very much, but I do love taking photographs
myself. There was actually a brief moment in my childhood where I
wanted to become a professional photographer, but I gave that up when
my photos appeared way out of focus.
(Though
to be fair, I WAS using a disposable camera that came free with the
purchase of a combo from McDonald's.)
If
you were to take a look through my family's photo album at home, and
counted all of the photos of me in there, you'd find it a challenge
to locate any. It isn't because I happened to take all of my old
photographs and burned them in a bonfire. Whenever the camera was
brought out, I always found a hiding spot in the house to avoid
getting my photo taken.
My
dislike of cameras didn't start right away. During the first two
years of my life, I had dozens of photos taken of me as a baby. Mind
you, I didn't learn to speak until I was almost three years old, so I
was unable to voice my displeasure about getting my picture taken.
Even so, you can tell in some of my earliest baby pictures that I did
my best to hide from the camera. Let's just say that it was
convenient that some of my favourite toys back then were much larger
than I was.
That
was a cool inner tube.
Apparently
when I was younger, I also liked wearing oversized shirts...and yes,
I refused to smile for this photo as well.
I
don't remember when that photo was taken, but since my T-shirt says
'82 on it, I can only assume that I was around a year old at the
time.
This
next photo had to have been taken around Christmas 1982. I had that
rocking horse when I was a year old, and I loved that thing. The two
people standing behind me are my paternal grandparents. My
grandfather died in 2000, but my grandmother is still alive.
I
just found it funny that I never looked at the camera lens. I just
wanted to ride my horsey.
But
then came the fateful day in which my parents came up with the
“brilliant” suggestion to have my picture taken professionally at
the Sears Portrait Studio. That was a day that I'm sure they
wouldn't forget.
I've
probably talked about this beforehand, but my family was one that
basically lived from pay week to pay week. With three kids in the
family, my parents had very little disposable income for luxury
items. But, somehow, my mother was dead set on making sure that I
had a professional photo taken when I was little. Both of my sisters
had it done, so my mother wanted me to have the same treatment.
So,
my mother dressed me up in a little outfit that she and my father
picked out, and we went to Sears to get the portrait done. The
photographer set me up in front of a festive autumn background (I
think I had the photo taken in September of '84), and I sat on the
stool, and my parents were hoping against all odds that I would be
good for the poor photographer.
But
when the photographer asked me to smile, and I saw that huge camera,
I ended up bursting right into tears, and there was no cheering me
up. I don't doubt that my parents and the photographer tried to get
me to calm down, but I just wanted to go back home and play with my
building blocks and crayons. From stories that my parents told me
about that day, I was inconsolable, and they told me that after ten
minutes, I was still crying. My parents eventually gave up, and told
the photographer to go ahead with the photo shoot.
And,
well...here was the final result.
(And
yes...the overalls really did say “Buck Shot”. What can I say?
It was the early '80's.)
To
tell you the truth, there were actually two different shots that were
taken. The second shot was much better, and naturally, it was blown
up to portrait size and is now hanging up in my parents dining room.
But, in both shots, I was visibly upset. I didn't want to be there
at that moment, as you can tell by the tears in my eyes and the weird
expression on my mouth.
It
didn't get any better as time passed either. Some of my worst
memories of school surrounded class picture day. For most class
pictures, I was stuck wearing those big huge Bill Cosby sweaters, and
most of my class pictures looked like this.
But
that was one of my better class pictures. I hated all the other
ones. Take this lovely one from 1990.
Apparently
this was taken during the time in which neon colours were huge. I
specifically chose that sweater because I liked to blind people with
day-glo coloured clothing. Oh, and did I mention that on that
particular class photo day, I overslept, and literally got ready for
school in five minutes? This explains why I was suffering from a
major case of bed head.
The
following year wasn't much better. This was from 1991.
Now,
I know what you're saying. This is a not bad picture. I agree. It
wasn't bad if you looked at it from far away. What you might not see
is the fact that I had lesions of cold sores all over my lips and
around my nose. They were painful to deal with, and I suffered with
discomfort throughout the 1991/92 school year. The cold sores
weren't noticeable in the wallet sized photos...but they were clear
as a bell in the portrait sized photo. The kids were very relentless
about making fun of my mouth that year, giving me yet another reason
to hate getting my picture taken. Let's face it. Kids could be
cruel.
I
also rarely showed my teeth when I smiled for the camera. For
whatever reason, I never liked my smile. Maybe it was all in my
mind, but whenever I attempted to show my teeth, it always seemed as
though I was faking it for whatever reason. And, I'll admit it.
Sometimes I did fake that smile.
There
were instances in which I did try to make my photos as cute as
possible. When I went to see the Easter Bunny at the mall, I made it
work.
At
my sister's wedding in 1989, I made it work.
But,
there were so many times in which I was asked to say cheese for the
camera, but I didn't feel like smiling. Sometimes it was because I
was in a really bad mood. Sometimes I was feeling sad. Sometimes
they snapped a picture while I was doing some weird activity, as
evidenced by this childhood snapshot.
(Not
sure why I had so many balloons back then, especially since I don't
really like them much these days.)
But,
I think a lot of it was self-consciousness and low self-esteem. I
hate to say it now, but back in my childhood, I really didn't like
myself very much. It's definitely not the best way to go through
childhood, but I ended up surviving it. It's not easy to deal with
other people making fun of you for your physical appearance. Because
those words do quite a lot of damage, and as a result, they do things
that can be harmful.
This
was a picture taken of me five years ago. It was the picture on my
health card. That was when I weighed over three hundred pounds.
Hands down, it was the worst picture I've ever taken. Granted, most
identification cards make almost everybody look like a serial killer,
but this one was just terrible. I was blotchy, puffy, and let's get
the obvious out of the way. The picture makes me look as if I have
NO EARS! My goodness, it was awful.
For
about an eight year period, I refused to get my picture taken at all.
There are no photos of me taken between 2000 and 2008 because I
absolutely refused to be photographed at all. I didn't think I
looked good at all, so why would anyone else tell me that I did.
That's what rude comments do to people. They completely eat away at
them until they believe the lies that others tell them about
themselves.
But
while I can't get that time back...I can make what time I have left
really shine. And since I've made healthier choices for myself, and
have found a group of people who I can really trust, my confidence
has grown in a big way. I've even started to even like getting my
picture taken now...and I've even gotten more comfortable with
showing my teeth off more. Never thought I'd see the day that would
happen.
Who
knows? Maybe someday, I'll flash my smile, and someone will say the
very same thing Shanice did twenty years ago...
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