Okay,
so I was a little bit rough on the last episode of The New Archies Reviewed post. I
initially wasn't planning on doing so, but when I re-watched the first part of
episode nine, I had no idea how horrible the episode was. I get it was supposed to be a spoof of
"Teen Wolf", but the whole thing was just one contrived plot point
after another. It actually made an
episode of "Days of our Lives" look like a William Shakespeare play,
and that's hard to do!
So,
right off the bat, episode nine isn't looking so good. I'm almost afraid to look at what the second
half of the show is.
Episode 9B:
The Prince of Riverdale. Sounds promising.
Wow. There's a huge limousine heading down the
main street of Riverdale! At first, I
thought it was Veronica heading down to Bixby's or Fjordstrom's, or whatever
department stores exist in Riverdale.
But upon closer inspection, we see that there's a man who kind of looks
like Colonel Mustard from "Clue" with his monocle and mustache. Of course, he's not.
I
mean, he is a Colonel, but I think his name is Colonel Grootz, or something
similar to that. They never write his
name down, so I'm just guessing at the spelling.
Anyway,
the reason he is here is because he is the official escort of Prince Ethelbert
(again, spelling may not be exact, but I'm only guessing), who is in town to
give a speech. It's not very often that
a prince comes to visit a small town like Riverdale, so you know that the whole
town will be in attendance.
Oh,
and did I mention that Prince Ethelbert looks a lot like Archie Andrews? Oh, goody, the whole doppelganger episode
where two people switch places to see how the other half lives. We've been down this rodeo before in
practically every cartoon series ever made.
But, since I did promise to review every episode of this show, I have to
keep my word.
Anyway,
as expected, Prince Ethelbert is not very happy being a royal
representative...especially since he is very young for a prince. I'm guessing he's supposed to be the same
age as Archie. In fact, the person
playing Ethelbert is basically Archie's voice actor butchering a British
accent. And, while he wants to go out
into the world and be a regular kid, stuffy Colonel Grootz is insistent that he
straighten up and fly ride.
But
when Ethelbert happens to glance out the window of the limo and spots Betty and
Veronica walking home from cheerleading practice, he gets a little bit annoyed
at Colonel Grootz's overbearing nature and tells him that he's fired and that
he can expect to be beheaded when they return home to stop the car so he can
get out.
Of
course, Grootz has got his tighty-whities in a twist about Ethelbert's
rebellion, but Ethelbert insists that he will be back before the scheduled
meeting with Mr. Weatherbee at Riverdale Junior High to discuss the
speech. And a sputtering Grootz watches
with anger as the prince goes it alone.
And
who should the prince happen to meet first but his exact double?
Yes,
Archie Andrews is busy practicing his basketball skills, and I must say that
he's not bad. Why is he so good in
sports when he's in junior high, but a total klutz in the teenage years? This...makes...no...sense!!!
But
then I tell myself, it's only a cartoon.
Only a cartoon.
Anyway,
Archie soon discovers that he has a fan in the form of Prince Ethelbert, and
immediately the two hit it off. After
all, they are completely identical in every wa...
...no,
scratch that. Look closely at their
faces. Archie has freckles. Ethelbert does not.
Anyway,
once the prince formally introduces himself to Archie, Archie makes a
confession to the royal...he admits that he wishes he knew what it was like to
be a prince, and he suspects that he would have a life of luxury and not have
to worry about anything. Ethelbert
remarks that being a royal representative is not easy and that he would give it
up just to be a regular pre-teen for just a few hours.
You
know where this is going...Archie and Ethelbert decide that it might be fun to
be each other for a little while, just to see how the other half lives. But of course, there's the whole face thing.
But
Archie decides to remedy that with...coloured pencils? What?!?
Coloured pencils? I mean, oil
pastels, maybe, but coloured pencils?
Did the animators even do their research? Okay, I suppose they could be make up pencils, but what twelve
year old carries make up pencils on them at all times? I tell you.
Episode nine...worst episode ever, okay?
Sigh...so
Archie takes out his Laurentian #10 pencil - Photo Brown - and draws freckles
on Ethelbert's face, even though in real life it would be impossible. And Ethelbert grabs Laurentian #14 pencil -
Natural Flesh - to erase Archie's freckles off his face, even though it would
be even more impossible.
Then
they stare at their reflections in a puddle and realize that even though this
should not work, it probably will, and nobody will ever tell the difference
because everybody in Riverdale is stupid.
And
after they go inside to change clothes, Colonel Grootz is amazed to see Prince
Ethelbert in a better mood. Look at him
skipping down the street! Of course, we
all know that Ethelbert is actually Archiebert, but Grootzie doesn't need to
know that.
Seriously. That's what Archiebert calls him. Awesome.
Oh, and despite the fact that Archiebert has a perfectly good
American-ish accent, Grootz is none the wiser.
Boy, he really is sheltered.
Anyway,
the royal posse arrives at Riverdale Junior High to meet with Mr. Weatherbee,
and Archiebert proclaims that before he makes his speech, he feels the need to
make himself more relatable to the people.
And
that's why he stops off at McDonald's on the way to the school to buy enough
Big Macs to supply to his adoring public...all on Grootzie's money, of course.
Wow...this
episode is actually worse than the last one.
Outside
of Pop's, Jughead and Reggie are talking about the prince and his generosity,
and Reggie makes the observation that nobody else has made during this whole
episode at all! That Ethelbert looks
like Archie.
And
speak of the devil, here comes Archie Andrews now. Only it's not really Archie.
It's Prince Ethelbert in a Archie Halloween Costume. Let's call him Bertie.
Oh,
but don't worry. Bertie isn't the only
one whose name is messed up. He
actually calls Jughead "Jarface", and Reggie "Veggie",
which prompts Reggie to grab him by the collar and threatens to knock him out.
Which
then prompts Bertie to grab onto Reggie's nose like a set of pliers and twist
and turn it until he cries uncle. To be
honest, this sight gag would have worked a lot better had Jughead been the
victim of Bertie's rampage, but considering that this is the best scene of the
whole episode, beggars can't be choosers.
Of
course, Bertie happens to catch a glimpse of Betty and Veronica walking by and
decides that rather than spar with Jarface and Veggie, he'd best serve his time
trying to arrange dates with both of them.
Wow, Bertie's doing a better job being Archie than he thought.
In
fact, Bertie seems to have made an enemy out of Reggie, who wants vengeance for
humiliating him in front of everyone.
Why do I get the feeling that we're going to see a Reggie prank later on
in this episode?
Back
on Main Street Riverdale, Archiebert has successfully drained the treasury of
the royal family by giving everyone in town free pizza, and at this point,
Grootzie has had enough of this royal pain.
He drags Archiebert into the limo and physically sits on top of him so
that he won't escape.
Seriously,
that's what he does. Grootzie has just
stepped into creepy predator territory here folks. No wonder Ethelbert wants to escape!
But
Grootzie won't let him go that easily.
Despite Archiebert's insistence that he isn't good at writing speeches
because MS. Grundy gave him the C minus in English class to prove it, Grootzie
insists that he do it. After all, his
upcoming arranged marriage is fast approaching.
W...WHAT?!? Prince Ethelbert is getting married at age
12?!? To someone he doesn't even
know? Sheesh, what crackpot royal
monarchy is this?
Oh,
and here's a photo of the lovely Princess Bertha. I hate how some shows take a photo of a person and purposely make
fun of it because they don't fit society's definition of beautiful. But since this is a cartoon, I'll let it
slide this time. Archiebert is upset
because he didn't have a say in this, even though he's only been acting as
prince for twenty-five minutes, but Grootzie says that he'll learn to love her,
especially since her halitosis and dandruff have improved.
Wow...Grootzie
should totally go work for eHarmony.
And Archiebert is realizing that maybe being Archie Andrews isn't so
bad.
And
Prince Ethelbert is soon realizing that life as Archie Andrews isn't so good
either after meeting someone who puts the fear of God into him.
Why,
hello, Mr. Andrews! Nice to see you
making your one and only appearance in this series! And look! Mr. Andrews is
telling his son to do his chores! Wow,
Mr. Andrews must be the worst dad in the world if he can't recognize that the
person in front of him is his own son.
Or maybe Archie's coloured pencils really are that magical!
Oh,
and naturally, since Bertie is used to a live of privilege, he tells Mr.
Andrews to stuff his chores, which causes Mr. Andrews to blow a gasket. Yeah, I bet Archie won't be happy to learn
that his new royal friend has gotten him grounded until the 21st century!
The
action shifts over to the Lodge Mansion where Ethelbert and Grootzie are to
escort Mr. Lodge and Veronica to the event by horse drawn carriage. Okay then.
Archiebert calls out to Veronica, who...also doesn't recognize him. Oh, COME ON! It shouldn't be that hard to tell Archie and a prince apart! Seriously, did Grootzie spike the water supply
with stupid pills?
Apparently
so because in the distance, Jughead and Reggie have gathered a bunch of barking
dogs together. Reggie plans on doing an
experiment that would make Pavlov proud.
His goal is to taunt the dogs with food so that they will get all
excited. Then when Archie arrives at
the Lodge Mansion, he'll release the dogs out towards the carriage carrying the
prince, spooking the horses, tipping over the carriage, and somehow blaming
Archie for the whole thing.
Yep. Told you.
Stupid pills.
So,
at some point, Bertie comes running up towards Lodge Mansion (how he found the
place, I don't know) with an angry Mr. Andrews chasing him. Bertie than finds Archiebert and complains
that he's making him do chores! How
dare he teach a royal prince some responsibility!
Meanwhile,
NOBODY NOTICES THAT ARCHIE AND THE PRINCE LOOK LIKE TWINS! Mr. Lodge doesn't even seem concerned at all
about it. He's more shocked that Mr.
Andrews is even there. Excuse me a
minute.
*bashes
head on desk repeatedly to try and make sense of this stupid episode*
Okay, I'm done.
Okay, I'm done.
Seeing
that both Archie and the prince are there, Reggie releases his trap, and soon
we see Archie, Veronica, Mr. Lodge, Grootzie, and the prince jump on the
carriage (or in the case of Archie, hanging from the back of the carriage),
speeding towards the park where the speech is being given.
There
is a minor funny sight gag where MS. Grundy is leading the band, and when the
band sees the out of control carriage coming towards them they all run away
while Grundy is still conducting.
Fortunately, Grundy gets out of the way before the carriage crashes and
gets wrecked.
Interestingly
enough, we never see Veronica, Mr. Lodge, or Grootzie for the rest of the
episode. My guess is that they all
broke every bone in their body and have now been mummified. Don't worry, Veronica will recover. I can't say the same for the other two. In fact, let's call it. Grootzie is dead.
And,
Archie and Ethelbert realize that they'd rather be themselves and get changed
back. Right in the middle of the
park. Looks like neither one of them
really care about indecent exposure.
So,
Ethelbert gives his speech, and everyone is happy, and Archie is relieved that
he didn't have to give the speech after all.
But when Jughead makes a casual remark about how great it would be to be
a prince, Archie screams and runs away.
Okay, given what he went through, I'll give him a pass.
But
seriously, guys...episode nine was what you call an epic fail. Both tales were boring, made no sense, and
were painful to watch.
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