Well,
here we are. The final episode of
season one of Jem Reviewed! And after stopping a jewel smuggling ring last episode, it's time
for the Holograms to relax a bit. But
for how long? We'll find out in Episode 26 - Glitter and Gold.
And
as we begin this episode, everybody seems to be at the mall! Jerrica and Kimber Benton are there, Rio is
there, Anthony Julien is there, and a new group that just signed a contract
with Starlight Music is there called the 5th Avenue Boys. Really, they look like what would happen if Bryan Adams, Rick
Astley, and that red haired guy from the Thompson Twins formed a group, but
they appear to be the hottest new act at the record company. Which is good considering that according to
this episode, Jem hasn't released any new music in what seems like seventeen
years or so.
Kimber
is holding up a magazine that has all of the chart listings for that week, and
it looks like the Misfits have the #1 song of the week, which Jerrica just
shrugs her shoulder and says that she doesn't care. Sounds like someone needs a coffee! But Kimber does care, and she mentions the fact that the Glitter
and Gold Contest is coming up and they need to start making music again, but
Jerrica bitterly tells Kimber that she doesn't want to talk about Jem. Whoa!
Where is this coming from?
Thankfully,
Rio interrups the fight between the Benton siblings and introduces Kimber to
his photographer friend, Max Conley. Because as we know, Kimber will hit on anything that has a pulse
and washboard abs. But luckily, Max
seems to find Kimber attractive and charming, and Kimber finds him gorgeous and
exciting, and before you know it, they've made a date for this coming Saturday
at 6:00. Wow, that might be a new
record for Kimber. She at least waited
five minutes before going out with that guy from Hawaii.
Rio
then picks up the same magazine that Kimber was looking at and mentions to
Jerrica that there's an article about Jem.
Jerrica reads the article which basically insinuates that Jem has
disappeared from the music scene and they speculate what happened and whether
she had the musical chops to sustain a long-lasting career. Jerrica gets even angrier at Rio, throws the
magazine in the garbage can, and basically says something along the lines of
"DIE, JEM, DIE!". I'm
thinking Jerrica should avoid the coffee made with the bitter roast. But why is Jerrica so anti-Jem all of a
sudden?
Well, we won't find out just yet as Kimber is accosted by a man on a
motorcycle! Why, look! It's Kimber's old flame from the Starbright
Movie, Jeff Wright...and he's a brunette now.
I'm guessing he must be Tom Cruise's stunt double now. The funny thing is that Kimber goes on a
ride with him even though she just made a date with Max two minutes ago. See, Kimber...this is why people think
you're easy.
Across
town at a record store (remember when those existed) called Diskovery Records,
the Misfits arrive to great fanfare.
After all, their song is #1 on Casey Kasem's American Top 40. But they aren't here to sign
autographs. They're here to take part
in the Glitter and Gold Contest. And
luckily, we have the CEO/owner of the Diskovery Records chain, Owen Beach with us to explain the contest rules.
The
Glitter and Gold contest pits two high-profile groups against each other in a
race to see which group can sell 500,000 copies of their latest album all
across the United States.
Each
Diskovery Records store will be keeping track of the sales of each record, and
the first group to reach that magic number will win the grand prize which
includes a trophy and a brand new car!
The Misfits have already tossed their name into the hat, but in order to have a
contest, they need another group to compete against. One of the press members suggests that they battle Jem and the
Holograms which prompts a response by Stormer of "Jem, who?". Wow, that's kind of catty, even for a cream
puff like Stormer. Then again, she does
hang around Pizzazz and Roxy a lot.
Besides, Pizzazz responds to the question by tooting the Misfits own
horn by singing the song that I'm assuming is their chart-topper.
I have to say, "How Does It Feel" is certainly a song that celebrates
popularity, winning, star power...basically it's a Pizzazz anthem if ever there
was one.
And
while the Misfits are celebrating their success at the record store, Jeff drops
Kimber off at Starlight Mansion where Kimber tells Jeff that she'll see him
Saturday at 6:00. Hmm...where have I
heard that before?
Jerrica
is having a conversation with Synergy about what has been happening, and it
seems as though we know what is bugging her.
With Jem becoming so popular and everyone wanting to know all about her,
Jerrica thinks she might be starting to get jealous of her alter ego. And even though Synergy has warned her about
telling people from the outside about her existence (even though two people
from Morvania already know), Jerrica contemplates finally telling Rio the
truth. She asks Synergy to project a
hologram of Rio, inserting as much of Rio's personality into it as possible so
that she can find out how he'll react.
I'm questioning how Synergy could even know so much about someone she
hasn't met yet, but nevertheless, Synergy does what Jerrica asks.
Jerrica then tells the Rio hologram that she is really Jem and transforms into
her Jem persona quicker than you can say "Showtime, Synergy!". And just like that, Hologram Rio burns with
anger faster than you can say "I hate liars, and I hate deception and I
never want to see you again."
Seriously. That's what Hologram Rio says. And Jerrica is so frightened that she tells Synergy to remove the hologram. Synergy tells Jerrica that this was merely a test, but Jerrica believes that Rio wouldn't react like that and vows to tell him once and for all. Why do I get the feeling that Rio's going to come by, say...Saturday at 6:00?
Seriously. That's what Hologram Rio says. And Jerrica is so frightened that she tells Synergy to remove the hologram. Synergy tells Jerrica that this was merely a test, but Jerrica believes that Rio wouldn't react like that and vows to tell him once and for all. Why do I get the feeling that Rio's going to come by, say...Saturday at 6:00?
It
must be, as Jeff arrives first to pick Kimber up. Kimber isn't quite ready yet, so she asks Jeff to wait in a side
room. A few seconds later, Rio arrives
and is greeted warmly by Jerrica, though you know that her knees are knocking a
mile a minute.
A
few seconds after that, Max Conley arrives, and Aja shows him into the same
room that Jeff is waiting in.
Uh-oh. Aja then informs Kimber
that Max is waiting for him, which Kimber responds that Jeff is waiting, not Max,
to which Aja replies, Max is here you stupid bitch. Okay, not even Aja is that cold to say that, but Kimber's having
her own Uh-oh moment. What is it with
red-haired cartoon characters making two different dates at the same time? Is Kimber related to Archie Andrews or
something?
As
predicted, Max and Jeff get into a physical altercation - which amusingly is
ignored by Jerrica and Rio outside as Jerrica is figuring out how to tell Rio
that she's really Jem.
Kimber and Aja run into the room to try and explain things, but they arrive too late and Kimber screams in horror as Jeff and Max sail through the window of the room while wrestling each other for the love of Kimber. For the love of Kimber, can we just end this part of the story?
Kimber and Aja run into the room to try and explain things, but they arrive too late and Kimber screams in horror as Jeff and Max sail through the window of the room while wrestling each other for the love of Kimber. For the love of Kimber, can we just end this part of the story?
Unsurprisingly,
Jeff and Max crash through the wall of the patio where Rio and Jerrica are
seated, and with help from Rio break the two men apart. But as far as Max and Jeff are concerned,
Kimber is a two-bit...well, you know, and leave our flame haired vixen with a
double broken heart.
To make matters worse, Rio goes off on a tirade towards Kimber and spouts off
the very same speech about liars and deception that Synergy projected with the
Rio hologram. Damn, maybe Synergy
really is that good at reading people!
Rio is so angry with Kimber that Kimber runs away bawling, Aja runs away
to comfort Kimber, and Jerrica runs towards Rio and calls him a jerk for how he
treated Kimber! As much as I poke fun
at Kimber, she really didn't deserve Rio's outburst.
And because of Rio's outburst, Jerrica decides that now is not the best time to
tell him that she's really Jem, which causes Rio to get even angrier. I believe he leaves Starlight Mansion by
kicking a potted plant onto the ground which shows his "maturity",
leaving Jerrica in tears and the viewer wondering how Jerrica can even tolerate
Rio being her apparent "one and only". Rio's a complete ass in this episode, and honestly as much fun as
I poke at Jem/Jerrica, she deserves much better than him.
But
the fight with Rio seems to have sparked a fire within Jerrica's belly. Well, that, plus she overhears Eric telling
the people at Diskovery Records that he thinks Jerrica destroyed Jem's
career. Because of that outburst, Jem
and the Holograms declare that they will be entering the contest and that they
will have a new album ready before the contest begins the next day. Um, Jerrica, you do realize that you have 24
hours to put together a record of at least eight songs which will be next to
impossible given that your sound engineer boyfriend is too busy kicking
topiaries from here to La Cienega Boulevard?
Oh, wait...it's Jerrica that Rio's mad at, not Jem. Sigh...just when I begin to feel sorry for Jerrica, she enables
the situation by sweet-talking Rio as Jem.
You know, maybe they really DO deserve each other. But we have no time to examine the unhealthy
relationship between Jerrica Benton and Rio Pacheco. The band needs eight songs, a new image, and a whole new
look! And what better look than the one
that the contest is named after?
Okay, I have to say this...the song "Glitter and Gold" is an absolute
masterpiece - despite the lame dancing from Jem and Rio - and really sets the
tone for the end of season one and the beginning of season two. And in this edition of Jem Trivia, you might notice that people's appearances start changing a bit, such
as Jem's eye makeup going from pink to gold to purple. That was to make the characters look more
like the Glitter and Gold doll line released in 1987. There's one more character that appears at the end of the episode
who was also changed to match their doll counterpart, but I'll wait until she
appears before I say who it is.
While
the band is in the recording studio, we get the first (of many) instances of
cheating within the contest. Eric
Raymond arrives at a seedy nightclub called "Flipside" where he's
bribing a nasty looking group called "The Skulls" with money and a
recording contract with Misfits Music if they'll sabotage the Jem album. Oh, Eric...how I DIDN'T miss your smarmy
face.
Somehow,
Jem and the Holograms have recorded an album, made 500,000 copies of the album
for distribution, and Jerrica is loading the last of the boxes into a van. Rio offers to help Jerrica, but Jerrica
bitterly snaps at him, still sore over the plant kicking incident. I told her to avoid the bitter roast!
Turns
out that Rio might have had a reason to be concerned after all. The Skulls nearly sideswipe Jerrica's van
and hold her hostage as one of them takes a baseball bat to the boxes of
albums, smashing them to smithereens.
All Jerrica can do is watch in horror as all of her hard work fades
away. Well, that plus she could
possibly die.
That is until Rio comes along, grabs one of the baseball bats away from one of
the Skulls, and somehow they run away like cowards. It must be the really ugly sweater Rio is wearing. That's the only answer I'll accept. But whatever, Jerrica's like "my
hero", and Rio's like "I won't kick any living thing ever
again", and they make out. You
know what? Let's just skip ahead to the
contest.
In
one corner with the pink album sleeve, we have the album "Glitter and
Gold" by Jem and the Holograms, which includes the title track, "I'm
Coming From Behind", "Set Your Sails", and "I Believe in
Happy Endings". I guess Jerrica
must have stayed up all night pressing another half million copies of the
album. At least you can say she's
dedicated.
In the other corner with the purple album sleeve, we have the Misfits album
which contains the songs "How Does It Feel", "Ahead of the
Game", "Take A Hike, Jack", and "We're The Misfits In
Hawaii". Well, they can't all be
winners.
Owen
is pleased that the record counting system in place at all his stores is
working and he talks about the "revolutionary new computer labels" on
each record. Um, Owen...barcodes aren't
a new invention. Comic books had them
on their covers ten years BEFORE this episode aired!
The
numbers don't lie though. The Misfits
after one day have sold twice as many albums as Jem and the Holograms. Jem isn't worried though. She has a trump card named Lindsey Pearce -
and that trump card will be playing the "Glitter and Gold" music
video every hour on the hour!
The
move actually works, and Jem takes the lead just a couple of days later. And this leads to another Jem/Misfits
mash-up.
It's interesting to note the change of tone between the Holograms' "We're
Up", versus the Misfits' "You're Down". One is light and fluffy, and the other is
mean and spiteful. It's quite well done
the way they arrange this song. I kind
of like it. Are you liking this contest
of good sportsmanship and playing fair?
You are? Good. It ends now.
Eric
decides to use cash to influence the voting results. He sets up people outside every Diskovery store in the country and
bribes them with money to buy up all the Misfits records to increase their
totals. He even convinces a woman of
about eighty years old to buy a Misfits record! Which of course completely backfires on him as the woman buys a Jem record
instead, using the argument that the Misfits don't look like nice girls. I suppose they had her say this because they
can't use the word whore in a kids cartoon.
Whatever the case, this does nothing to change the rate of sale of
records.
Now,
some would argue that Jerrica bringing the Starlight Girls in to buy a record
each to add twelve more sales to the Glitter and Gold tally would classify as
cheating. I don't see it as such, as
Ashley and Deirdre at least seem to be doing this of their own free will. I bet they got the money to pay for those
records with the Honor Jar!
By
Day #10 of the competition, there's a tie.
Each group has sold 499,999 records each, and the next record sold will
determine the winner.
It's here that Rio - who...you know what, I can't even describe what he's
wearing because I don't even know what it is myself. I lived through 1987, okay...clothes were never THAT ugly - at
least not any I remember. But Rio
decides to purchase a copy of the Glitter and Gold record to inch Jem's total
to 500,000.
But
wait! Pizzazz declares shenanigans,
outing Rio as an employee of Starlight Music, which voids his purchase, setting
the score back to 499,999. Pizzazz was
absolutely right in this case for once.
No double standards for Jem's staff!
Besides, Pizzazz is probably upset that she didn't think of it
first. Another customer comes up to the
register, and the Misfits total reaches 500,000! Outrageous! The Misfits
win?!? How can that be? It's predetermined that Jem must have a
happy ending in every show! She sings a
song about happy endings, for crying out loud!
Speaking of crying out loud, Aja screeches that they should look at the board
again. Jem's now at 500,000 too. The customer apparently bought one of each
album because she likes both bands, and Owen extends the contest by one more
purchase...to which I call shenanigans!
The Misfits album was scanned first...ergo, THE MISFITS SHOULD WIN! But instead we have to let the Holograms
have a fighting chance because plot.
The
last customer of the day approaches the record displays, but Shana (who I think
says her only line this episode) points out that they're screwed. The Jem record stock is sold out meaning
that he'll have to purchase a Misfits record by default...well, until Ashley
takes the Jem record that Rio purchased, puts it back on the shelf, and informs
him that he does have a choice. NO, HE
DOESN'T! That album's already been
scanned out! You can't double sell a
record that was previously sold! It
screws up the inventory! I work retail! I bloody know these things! Sheesh, I could cry shenanigans once more,
but nobody cares, right?
A newly purple-haired Clash (what did I tell you about changing character appearances) approaches the customer as well, and Clash and Ashley try to convince the customer to buy their respective group's album. The customer admits he loves both, but only has enough money to buy one record.
Clash
offers the customer fifty dollars to buy the Misfits record, but Ashley grabs
the money from Clash saying that it's going to be a fair contest. Um, since when? EVERYONE'S BEEN CHEATING!!!
In
fact, Ashley and Clash are so busy arguing with each other that they don't
realize that our customer has made his choice.
And apparently Glitter and Gold triumphs over Misfits. As if we weren't shocked already.
And
yes, Pizzazz is angry. As if we weren't
shocked already. Not even Stormer's
eternal optimism over selling half a million records is enough to stop Pizzazz
from having a meltdown the way a three-year-old would do. Thing is, I completely find myself feeling
sorry for Pizzazz because if you want to get technical, the Misfits won the
contest the minute that female customer purchased both albums. She had the cashier scan the Misfits album
BEFORE the Jem album. Whether it was
intentional or not, who knows? The
point is that the Misfits hit that milestone BEFORE Jem, so they should have
won the contest. This episode really
pisses me off.
Especially with Jem and Rio celebrating the win, and the Holograms looking smug
even though they technically cheated too by offering an album for sale that was
already sold. Glitter and Gold had
promise to be an excellent episode and yet in the last five minutes, the golden
enticement of the episode quickly turned into Fool's Gold without a glimmer of
redemption. It's not the worst episode
by any means, but it is a disappointment.
Tune in this Saturday, September 17, where I will do a recap of Season 1. I'll list what characters I loved, which ones I hated, my Top and Bottom 5 songs of each group, and my Top and Bottom 5 episodes.
Tune in this Saturday, September 17, where I will do a recap of Season 1. I'll list what characters I loved, which ones I hated, my Top and Bottom 5 songs of each group, and my Top and Bottom 5 episodes.
And then on Friday, September 23, Season 2 of Jem Reviewed kicks off where Jem finds
herself without a drummer! I'm guessing
Shana quit because she was tired of saying six words an episode, but who can
say, right?
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