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Monday, September 01, 2014

Things You Have To Say To Customers vs. Things You WANT To Say...

Welcome to another edition of the FUNNY MONDAY portion of the blog!

Before I get things started, I just wanted to wish everybody who is reading this today a very happy Labour Day (or if you live in the United States, Labor Day)!  In many places, this is the last day of summer before school begins for another year.  Or, for some of you, it's the final day of a long weekend before you go back to work on Tuesday.

No matter what your plans are for today, make it a great day.  And for those of you who have to work today, I hope your shifts go by smoothly and quickly.

You know, this leads into something that I just thought of.  The place where I work at stays open on Labour Day.  Personally, I think that all major businesses should be closed on any statutory holiday, but since my workplace happens to be located in a place that is designated as a tourist town, it's part and parcel, I suppose. 

Of course, the thing that people don't realize is that when they go shopping on a holiday, they're really making a statement.  They're saying that holidays no longer seem to hold as much value as they used to.  They would rather spend a holiday spending as much money as possible instead of spending time with their families.  Or, I suppose in some cases, they find a way to do both, but that's beside the point.

So often we have people calling the store the day before a major holiday and asking us if we are open for the holiday.  In most cases, we are not.  The only holidays we are contractually obligated to stay open (because of summer tourism) are Victoria Day (May 24 weekend), Canada Day, the civic holiday in August, and Labour Day. 

So, when I take a call on, say, the day before Christmas, and the person asks if we are open Christmas Day...part of me just wants to scream out "OF COURSE WE AREN'T OPEN, YOU FREAKIN' SCROOGE!!!" to the person on the other end of the phone.  But because I have to be professional and courteous or risk being fired, I have no choice but to say "Sorry, we aren't, but we reopen on Boxing Day".

And, that's what this blog is all about.  Instead of showing a bunch of funny pictures, this post will be all about funny things that I want to say to people who really get on my last nerve in a customer service setting.  And believe me, I've been in the business for years.  I have heard it all.

So, I'm going to do it this way.  I'll post the customer question/observation/braindead thought in
black.  I'll post the way I would respond in blue.  I'll post the way I wish I could respond in red.  So, it'll look like this.


Okay.  Got it?  Good.  Let's begin by keeping up with the holiday theme.  Maybe it'll allow me to release some pent-up frustration along the way.

1.  "Gee, it's too bad that you have to work on Canada Day.  It's so nice outside!"
"Yes, well, there will be other holidays!"
"Yeah, it's just too bad that because of people like you that we have to work on the holiday in the first place!  Go choke on some maple syrup!"

2.  "Why are you trying to sell me a radio with a cassette deck in it?  I haven't listened to a cassette in 25 years!"
"Well, as you can see, this stereo also has a CD player in it as well as a radio."
"Oh, gee...I'm sorry.  Let me go into the back and try to find a more modern device in between the 8-track tapes and Atari 2600s."

3.  "I want a tablet that uses Snapchat!  I need Snapchat for my tablet!  I want you to open up every single tablet so that I can see if it can use Snapchat!"
"I assure you that all of these tablets are capable of loading an app for Snapchat."
"Here's an idea.  Why don't you go to the library and read a book instead of demanding to use a pointless app where you will spend the next three hours of your day taking fifty-seven selfies inside of our bathroom?"

4.  "Hi, do you work here?"
"Yes, I do.  How can I help you?"
"No.  I'm wearing a name badge because I have short term memory loss and I need to wear this badge so I don't forget who I am.  Who are you again?"

5.  "I see that sign that says 'milk'.  Is that where you get the milk?"
"Why, yes it is!  2%, 1%, or skim?"
"No.  It's where we sell our birth control aids so you won't get embarrassed.  Should I go grab the stuff with lubricant or are you fine without it?"

6.  "I want my groceries bagged in alphabetical order!"
"Yes, sir...whatever you say."
"Sure!  But if your bottle of bleach spills all over your apples and chocolate chip cookies, asked for it!"

7.  "Why can't you get this television inside of my Volkswagon?"
"Because there is no way that a 60-inch television will fit in the car at all."
"Because you're a dumbass."

8.  "You're ALWAYS out of orange juice whenever I come into the store!"
"I apologize, ma'am.  We're having issues with our supplier at this time."
"Yes.  You're absolutely right!  My co-workers and I actually do this on purpose just to spite you because we like the way that your face turns that perfect shade of crimson!"

9.  "Why don't you have any of the chocolate milk that's in the ad?"
"Well, the supply far outweighed the demand, but we will have more in later in the week."
"That's because the meat department ran out of ground beef and we had to sacrifice Bessie, the chocolate milk giving cow for them to meet their quota."

10.  "You must think I'm pretty stupid, don't you?"
"No, not at all."
"One hundred per cent YES!!!"

11.  "Why can't I return these jockey shorts that I bought for my husband?  He only tried on one pair that didn't fit!"
"We have a return policy that states that all sales are final on underwear."
"If you knew that someone had tried on your underwear before you bought it, would YOU wear them?"

12.  "How the hell did my online photo order end up in Alberta?  We live in Ontario!  You dumbasses screw everything up!"
"I'm sure we can come up with a reasonable explanation as to why this happened."
"Um, see that spot where you ordered the photos where you have to select your province of residence?  Yeah, you never scrolled down to Ontario.  So, therefore, YOU SENT YOUR OWN DAMN PHOTOS THREE PROVINCES AWAY!"

13.  "Is the store closed?"
"No, we're still open."
"Would you be standing in the store if it were closed, you moron?"

14.  "Since you always seem to run out of cheese before the sale ends, can I put a couple of blocks on layaway?"
"Sorry, we can't put perishables on layaway."
"Are you drunk?"

15.  "I bought a Slow Cooker Solutions meal, and I don't know how to cook it.  Can you help me?"
"There should be instructions on the package."
"Am I on Candid Camera?"

16.  "These shopping carts are wet!  Why can't you have dry carts?"
"Well, is raining outside.  They should be dry in a few minutes."
"You know, you're absolutely right.  I'll go set that display of Charmin toilet paper on fire so that the heat will dry your cart off.  Of course, you would have to evacuate the store because it will be burning down, but hey, you have to take the good with the bad, right?"

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