December 31, 2014
Well, here we are! The final day of 2014!
And I suppose that if there is a song that could best describe my
feelings towards the end of the old year, this 1969 single by steam would do
it.
Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, GOODBYE!
I'm not going to beat around the bush
here. 2014 was not my greatest year at
all. If there is anything positive that
I can say about 2014, it is that it is not the worst year that I have ever
had. Frankly, there is nothing that
could ever top 1997 in that regard.
1997 = Rock Bottom Year
But, since this is New Year's Eve, and New
Year's Eve is often a time of simultaneously looking back and looking forward,
I may as well offer my own personal thoughts of the year gone by, and how it
has shaped me.
After all, this is part five of a seven day
look back at 2014 - well, minus the Tuesday Timeline yesterday as it didn't
really count that much, but for the sake of argument let us just go ahead with
it.
Obviously, the major news in my own personal
2014 story was the fact that my mother got very sick that year. Towards the end of 2014, my mother developed
an illness that kept her hospitalized for some time. Again, I don't really want to go into too much detail over what
ailments she had, as I don't think it would be appropriate to share in a blog
post, but I will say this. She was very
lucky. She has improved one hundred per
cent, but she still has to take it very easy.
I tell you, that was probably the time in
which I felt the most afraid and the most vulnerable was during that time. And I am going to be honest, these past few
months were not a good time to try and keep everything perfectly balanced in my
life. I had a few periods of breakdown
thinking about everything that was going on, and I sank into a bit of a
depression in the last half of the year.
So, if anyone is looking forward to 2015, it is definitely me.
Other than that, 2014 was kind of a boring
year for me. Sure, I did get the chance
to attend a wedding, I attended the local rib festival, and I did take part in
the Relay for Life again this past year.
There were some good moments mixed in with the really bad ones, which
helped a lot.
And, if anything, 2014 was the year that I
finally decided that I wasn't going to allow any further toxic relationships in
my life. I purposely distanced myself
from toxic people at my workplace (usually the ones who are 100% negativity and
drama), and I probably unfriended a good 10% of the people on my social media
contacts listings because they showed their true colours to me.
By the way, thank you Jimmy Kimmel for
inventing the "National Unfriend Day". More unfriending of toxic people and feeling less guilt about it
because you're technically observing a non-traditional holiday? I can live with that.
Still, I kind of think that 2014 was meant to
be a challenge year of sorts. Nothing
that I wanted to happen in 2014 really happened the way that I wanted it to
happen. And, to be honest, I did make a
lot of excuses for why this was the case.
Let me tell you. Making excuses
doesn't work. It just makes you feel
more hopeless than you initially were before you made the damn excuses. If that makes sense, that is.
I guess the lesson that I took away from 2014
is that in this world, you can only rely on yourself to create your own
happiness. And, sometimes you have to
make choices that other people cannot or will not understand because it is
absolutely necessary for survival.
I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, as
every time I have tried to make one, I always end up breaking it by the
eleventh or twelfth of January. But
what is another word for resolution?
Declaration? Guarantee? Closure?
See, none of those actually work.
How about New Year's Dream? Yes, that sounds more realistic. That way if everything goes according to
plan, I can always say that my dream came true. If not, well, I guess it wasn't in the stars.
Yep.
New Year's Dream. Let's go with
that.
My New Year's Dream for 2015 is to be more
selfish.
Um, wow...that sounded really horrible! Let's strike that from the record shall we?
My New Year's Dream for 2015 is to be more
selfish to show myself more love than I am used to, and to stop bullying
myself.
Yes, that sounds MUCH better. Because one thing that I have figured out is
that I am my own worst critic. When
something goes wrong, I blame myself and tend to hide away from everyone
because I feel ashamed and can't face people.
It could explain why I have a difficult time dealing with people in
social settings. And, if there is
ANYTHING that I want more in this life, it is for me to look in the mirror and
actually be proud of the person looking back at me.
I honestly have no f@#$ing clue how to do
this, mind you. But I owe it to myself
to try.
Because that, right there, is what is holding
me back. Now, I have given myself some
"soul food" over the last few months. I have cut out all toxic people from my life, and I am trying to
look on the bright side of things. But
there is still a lot of negativity that I want to rid myself of, and I feel
like it won't fully go away until I find a way to tell myself that I am worthy
of so much more than what I have.
And, when I say this, I definitely don't mean
material goods. I absolutely don't care
about material goods at all. I have
everything that I really need in life that can be bought with small bills.
What I really want the most for 2015 is to be
happy...and not feel guilt about it.
Because in the end...isn't that what we all
want?
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