The Bastardization of Christmas Past Songbook - Part II

Hello, everyone!  And welcome to the twelfth day of December!

It also happens to be Day #12 of THE POP CULTURE ADDICT'S ADVENT CALENDAR!

It also happens to be the second part of the special "Bastardization of Christmas Past" songbook that I began on Day #8 of this special advent calendar. 

I initially was going to wait until Monday to post this, but as it so happens, a better topic for discussion came up for FUNNY MONDAY instead.

So, consider this your Friday gift!

Now, for those of you who don't know what I am talking about, I will explain it again.  "The Bastardization of Christmas Past" is an idea that was inspired by a bombardment of Christmas carols at my workplace.  Prior to working retail, I could handle the odd Christmas carol or two.  Hearing twenty-seven different variations of "Jingle Bells" in an eight hour shift is maddening.  And, rather than act on my homicidal thoughts that these various versions of "Jingle Bells" brought, I thought it would be safer (and saner) to do up my own Christmas parodies.

Now, I do NOT sing any of these songs.  Listening to me sing is equivalent to being locked up for 25 years as far as I am concerned.  Consider that my gift to you.

However, I am sure that based on the lyrical content, you can quickly figure out what the songs are that I am spoofing.  At least, I hope you can, anyway.

Okay, so last time, I picked out six songs.  Here are five more.  Enjoy!

MARY'S BOYFRIEND (MARY'S BOY CHILD)

Mary's boyfriend paid the price
Chucked out on Christmas Day
And she will live for evermore as a single lady today

Long time ago in a brutal melee, a lost girl found her way
Mary's boyfriend paid the price
Chucked out on Christmas Day

She caught him with someone else
She knew that he must pay
She threw him out of her front door, that cold December day
Mary's boyfriend paid the price
Chucked out on Christmas Day

While neighbours watched the hullabaloo
Mary packed up all his clothes
They heard her boyfriend plead and beg

But it was too late so out he goes!

She caught him with someone else
She knew that he must pay
She threw him out of her front door, that cold December day

For a moment he thought it was done
But then shots rang out
She appeared with a new rifle
He ran down the street screaming so loud
While Mary breathed a sigh of relief

How the relationship ended
That was not Mary's concern
Now that his cheating butt was gone
Revenge was her next turn
She grabbed a bottle of lighter fluid
Sprayed it on his belongings of course,
Then Mary struck a match and made
a bonfire from his new Porsche

She caught him with someone else
She knew that he must pay
She threw him out of her front door, that cold December day
Mary's boyfriend paid the price
Chucked out on Christmas Day

For a moment he thought it was done
But then shots rang out
She appeared with a new rifle
He ran down the street screaming so loud
While Mary breathed a sigh of relief

Oh my god, the car burned up so fast
Oh my god, those things they never last
Oh my god, Romance was in the past
Mary is single now

Mary's ex-guy, feeling no jubilation
Subjected to public humiliation
Sent to jail for intoxication
Mary drove him to drink

That's the end of this crazy story
Mary's ex, did not have any glory
The moral of this cautionary story
Is don't cheat on your love

___________________________

SLEIGH RIDE

Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-ing
Sending a warning to all
Just watch as our lovely sleigh ride
Crashes through the doors of the mall

Outside the snow is falling
And we're hearing screaming and yelps
Because our sled is out of
control and we really need help

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, oh no
We continue to go
Wherever we'll stop we do not know
Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, oh dear
We've sailed into Sears
We're taking out several tables
Filled with accessories for your ears

Our eyes are filled with fright
As we make a right, oh gravy
Watch as a shopper dives
into the fountain near Old Navy
Tip over shopping carts
In the Walmart as we pass through
We stare at shoppers who almost
get knocked out near the shoes

There's a mall Santa who sits down in the atrium
But we accidentally bruise him in the cranium
As the scared little kiddos and their mommies run into the hardware shop
They have no idea that we don't know how to stop
Stop! Stop! Stop!

We take out a gumball machine in the food court
As people run away offering us no support
Now we're destroying some lithographs by Currier & Ives
Here come a group of police to try and save our lives

And now the ride is finished
The sleigh it no longer runs
And finally all is calm
In the mall where this all begun
But now we are all crying
And swallowing a bitter pill
For our sleigh ride from hell
Racked up a $7,000 bill!

___________________________________

RUNNING AWAY FROM THE CHRISTMAS TREE

Running away from the Christmas tree
Cause it's got defective lights
Everyone tramples over me
As the Christmas tree ignites
Running away from the Christmas tree
Running away from the living room
Because it's on fire too
This holiday was filled with doom
Whatever will we do?

You will get a very dreadful feeling when you see
Fire trucks lining up one by one
Cause somebody dialed 911

Running away from the Christmas tree
Not a happy holiday
All I want now is to wait and see
If this bad dream will go away

You will get a very dreadful feeling when you see
Fire trucks lining up one by one
Cause somebody dialed 911

Running away from the Christmas tree
Cause it's got defective lights
Everyone tramples over me
As the Christmas tree ignites

_________________________________

WHOSE CHILD IS THIS?

Whose child is this, they do not know
That's why they're on the Maury show
Our heroine's tale is tragic and sad
Cause she can't find her own baby's daddy

Brought somebody in for a paternity test
A man she met on the Internet
She's a thousand per cent sure he is the one
Who fathered her son

Pray, pray for our teenage mom
She got knocked up at her junior prom
Sadly the test showed he wasn't the one
So there's still no dad for her son

A few weeks pass, the show's brand new
The mother's back with man #2
She's sure that this man is her baby's dad
So she's back on the show of Maury

Nay, nay, that's not the man
The paternity test, it spoiled her plans
The woman regrets her bad romance
As the man does his victory dance

Whose child is this, she still doesn't know
On Maury's show, On Maury's show, she returns once more

Tune, tune in to next week's show
She brings on stage a man named Beau
We'll test him too, see if he's the dad
Next week on the show of Maury
Next week on the show of Maury
The show of Maury

________________________________

DO THEY KNOW IT'S CLOSING TIME?

It's closing time
The store needs to shut down another day
It's closing time
So buy that last item and go away

And in our store of plenty
We can spread a smile of joy
But only if you buy
Before closing time

No need for prayers
They won't help you today
At closing time, leave
Come back another day

Store workers have a life outside
They really want you to know
That the longer you stay inside the store
Keeps them from being able to go

Oh when the clock begins to ring ten bells
They're the clanging chimes of doom
Oh, we're closing down the cash
Too bad for you!

Oh, there won't be debit terminals past closing time
The greatest gift will have to wait next day
When the front doors seal shut, you are stuck in a rut
Don't you know it's closing time right now?

Oh too bad, you can't purchase those army men
Oh too bad, we're only open until ten
Don't you know it's closing time right now?

Leave the store
Leave the store

Leave the store
Leave because it's closing time and
Leave the store
Leave because it's closing time

And, that is Part II of the songbook!  Are you interested in a Part III?  Please let me know!

And, do stay tuned for Day #13 of the calendar.  We have a special Christmas themed film to talk about!