This
is a rather embarrassing thing to be admitting in a public forum such as this
blog, but I think I have to come clean here.
I
am stuck on Candy Crush Soda.
For
whatever reason, level 80 is kicking my ass, and I honestly am more
disappointed in the fact that I have let a video game frustrate me. I mean, it's been four weeks since I started
playing level 80. It's one of those
stupid levels where you try to find all of the green gummi bears. There are 20 small ones, and one gigantic
one. I can get the regular gummi bears,
but I can't save the super huge one.
And,
I've been trying to complete this level for four weeks. So frustrating.
Of
course, in the grand scheme of things, it is just a silly video game. Sure, it's a bit of a bummer watching everyone
else soar past you in the game, but it's not as if you're going to get fired,
or grounded, or even murdered if you can't beat level 80 on Candy Crush
Soda. You just play, use up your five
lives, and try again later without any sort of worry whatsoever.
If
only real life failures worked like that.
You
see, I am one of those people who have a really difficult time dealing with
failure. I always have been. I wish I didn't feel this way at all and
could easily bounce back from my mistakes, but for whatever reason I can't.
I
mean, if I sold a television that was accidentally put on hold for another
customer, I would tell myself how bloody foolish I was and I would have so much
guilt that I would think about giving them my own television to make them happy.
(Like
that would ever happen, but the guilt!
THE GUILT!)
Or, if I tried to colour match an exact colour on the paint machine and it comes out completely different from what they asked for (which has actually happened), I would get frustrated and convince myself that I need to re-enroll back in kindergarten to learn more about mixing colours together.
Or, if I tried to colour match an exact colour on the paint machine and it comes out completely different from what they asked for (which has actually happened), I would get frustrated and convince myself that I need to re-enroll back in kindergarten to learn more about mixing colours together.
(Like
that would ever happen, but the guilt!
THE GUILT!)
Or, if I promise to do something for someone only to completely bail on it because of a bad memory, lack of skills, or being unable to keep the promise, I would be so upset that I would convince myself that these people won't want to have anything else to do with me, and I would go back home to hide and become a hermit.
Or, if I promise to do something for someone only to completely bail on it because of a bad memory, lack of skills, or being unable to keep the promise, I would be so upset that I would convince myself that these people won't want to have anything else to do with me, and I would go back home to hide and become a hermit.
(Sadly,
that has happened before because of the guilt!
THE GUILT!)
In
a nutshell...I'm my own worst enemy.
Worse? I've had people tell me this. And I believe them.
I
suppose that when you get used to having low self-esteem, it makes it extremely
difficult to handle it when things start going well and when you actually begin
to show signs of high self-esteem.
And
certainly over the last few weeks, I've had a lot of great things happen to
me. I've started a new job which I
absolutely love, and I've actually gotten an interview published in a
magazine. I've been on a high and
things have been going awesome.
And
all it took was screwing up someone's paint order to make my ecstasy crash into
levels of depression.
Logically
speaking, it could have happened to anyone.
Anyone could have screwed up the colour formula. Logically, I've only been making paint for
three weeks now. Mistakes are bound to
happen, especially for someone who has never really taken on this challenge
before.
But
seeing how everyone else who has mixed paint seems to do it flawlessly, it sort
of makes me feel like I can't compare with them, and briefly, it made me wonder
if I was once again in the wrong line of work.
But
that can't be true because I've been enjoying it a lot. Paint mixing is only one part of the
job. I may not have mastered it yet,
but I can do lots of other things very well.
I should focus more on those so that I can build up the confidence
needed to mix paint more perfectly, and from there I can hopefully stop beating
myself up and feeling guilty for things that may or may not be my fault.
It's
a lifelong struggle, but I think I can end it.
I will not let man, woman, or paint mixer defeat me.
Now,
if you excuse me...level 80 calls...
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