Search This Blog

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Eternal Sunshine in the Single Mind

You know, it's been a really long time since I sat down and wrote an actual diary entry in this blog.

Okay, so granted, this whole blogging experiment which has lasted almost four years has been an ongoing work in progress to try and make sense of who I am, where I'm going, and who I want with me in my corner as I continue to learn more about this crazy little thing called life.

One of those things that I have learned is simple.  I don't really need anyone else to make me happy.  I find that if one really lets themselves feel it, they can make themselves happy.

As we approach Valentine's Day, that statement could not be more true.

February 11, 2015

You know, I remember the very moment I decided that I wanted to start writing every single thing that I was thinking about at any given moment.

I remember the very thing that kicked off the beginning of "A Pop Culture Addict's Guide To Life".

I had just turned thirty years old, and I had just gotten over a potentially serious health scare.  It certainly was a very confusing time in my life, and a scary one as well.  But somehow, I knew that everything would turn out just fine.

Now that I am almost thirty-four, I think that life is finally beginning to make a lot more sense than it has ever been.  I think a huge part of that comes from some of the things that I have done over the course of the last four years.  I've changed jobs a few times, I've re-evaluated social circles, I've cut out people who could best be described as toxic, and I've really started to look at things in a more positive manner.

However, one constant that has always been evident is the fact that I've had to do all of these things alone.  I've never really had someone who I can really consider a "significant other", let alone a wife, partner, or better half.  I've basically been trucking along by myself.

And, I'll be honest.  There was a time in which I absolutely hated being single.  When everyone else was settling down and starting families, I have to admit, there were times in which I wanted that too.  I felt as though everyone else was moving on and I was getting left behind.  Believe me, it's a feeling that I know all too well.

I hate to say this now, but looking back on it, I did have a "why not me" attitude towards the world.  I wondered why everyone else seemed to get everything they wanted, and I had to settle for the scraps left over.  I felt like Little Oliver, holding the empty bowl at the counter, whimpering "Please, sir.  I want some more".

Not really the best attitude to go through life with, I concur.

I also believe that my extreme dislike for all things Valentine's Day stems from that attitude that I had.  The attitude that because everyone else is falling in love and I'm not, then I will take it out on Saint Valentine himself and become extremely cynical about hearts and flowers and teddy bears that sing Madonna's "Cherish" to you over and over.

That was then.  What about now?

To be honest, I'm okay with not having found "the one" yet.  I honestly don't know if there is a "one" in my lifetime.  But would it be the end of the world if I never find "the one"?  At this point in my life, I'm going to have to say no. 

Because even though there was a time in which I was upset that everyone else was hooking up, I know that back then, I was nowhere near ready both emotionally and financially to maintain a long-term relationship with anybody.  And, at nearly 34, I still don't feel that way.  I honestly don't think that I would - at this point in my life - make a good husband to any woman because I'm still trying to find out what I like best about me.  It has been a lifelong struggle for me my entire life, and it's still continuing.  And while I know that some people tell me that I need to put myself out more (they're right, by the way), I'm not comfortable with that just yet.  Things are starting to come together, and life is starting to make more sense as I embark on some new adventures and new challenges. 

But I need to feel 100% secure about myself and what I can bring to a relationship, because I don't think it would be fair to any woman embarking in a relationship with a man who is incredibly insecure about his own feelings and his own self.  I don't want to be absolutely perfect (nobody ever is, and perfection is boring anyway), but I do need to feel absolutely certain that I can bring the best of myself before I find someone else to share my life with me.

Until then, I'm happy being a single.  But let's clarify.  I mean single as in one body, not single as in those processed cheese slices that Kraft makes.  Although those slices can be great on burgers and the occasional club sandwich...

No comments:

Post a Comment