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Saturday, June 13, 2015

Kiddie Conspiracy Theories

I'll be the first one to admit it.  My imagination went into overdrive as a child.

I guess you could say that I was always coming up with new and creative ways of looking at the world.  Rather than play with toys and games, I was content with a stack of paper and Crayola crayons, just drawing pictures of random objects.

Believe me when I say random.  I once drew sixty pictures of clocks when I was four years old.  Sixty pictures.

But that was what I was like as a child.  Very curious.  Very whimsical.  Very creative.

In fact, there were lots of things that I had my own theories about as a child that I believed were the absolute truth.  I would argue people until I was blue in the face, convinced that my childlike logic was enough to take down even the strongest arguments.

But that's the problem with kiddie conspiracy theories.  They never hold much water.  Come to think of it, the vast majority of adult conspiracies don't hold much water either, but talking about adult theories isn't much fun.

But kiddie conspiracy theories?  Boy did I have a lot of those!  In fact, I thought that I would use today's post to talk about some of the funny things that I believed would happen.

Now, keep in mind...these gems are coming from a four-year-old brain.  It's learned a lot more things since then.

If everybody in the world flushed their toilets at exactly the same time, the oceans would drain completely.

Obviously, this would never happen for one obvious reason.  Not everybody in the world has to go to the bathroom at exactly the same time.  And we also know that flushing a toilet does nothing to drain the oceans.  Mind you, human beings are inventing new ways to destroy the oceans each day, but that's another topic altogether.

People who are killed off of television shows are killed off in real life.

I blame this theory on the fact that my mother watched a lot of soap operas when I was a kid.  From 12:30-4:00, my mother was addicted to the CBS soap opera lineup, which at the time was comprised of "The Young and the Restless", "Guiding Light", "Capitol", and my mom's personal favourite, "As The World Turns".  People were killed off on those shows all the time, and whenever a person died in a car crash, or was poisoned to death, or mauled by a gigantic gorilla, or whatever unbelievable method of death was used, I thought they had died for real.  Which then lead to...

People who were killed off on television shows, but appeared in other programs faked their deaths to avoid being discovered.

The funny thing about soap opera actors is that they often jump from show to show.  At one point, several soaps filmed in New York City, and when one actor found their characters killed off, they'd jump to another show in the same studio to take on another role.  Just ask actor Roscoe Born about this.  Over the last 30 years, he's appeared on ten different soaps, including "Ryan's Hope", "Santa Barbara", "The City", "One Life To Live", and "Days Of Our Lives".  All playing different characters.  So, clearly, had I been a child during all this, I would have thought that this Roscoe Born person was a really bad man if he had to fake his death ten times!

(Okay, granted, he wasn't killed off of ALL these shows.  But that's how my kiddie conspiracies worked.  They didn't have to make sense.)

If a contestant had a negative total at the end of "Jeopardy!", they had to pay off the balance themselves.

Not that I have ever partaken in "dining and dashing", nor would I ever encourage it...but those people who are caught often have to work out how they plan to repay the money.  They could wash dishes in the kitchen, perform community service, or serve out a jail sentence in extreme cases.

And that's what I thought happened on Jeopardy every time a contestant had a negative score.  Not only were they banished from Final Jeopardy, but I had this image of the contestants having to work off their debt from scrubbing floors to dry cleaning Alex Trebek's underwear.  Obviously this is not the case, but again, my mind worked overtime as a kid.

Your hair would get cleaner the more shampoo you used.

Hence the time I poured an entire bottle of apple blossom shampoo over my head when I was about six years old.  The entire bathroom smelled like apples for a week, and it took forever to clean up all of the suds that exploded from my head when I tried to rinse off the shampoo (I believe it took almost a half hour to fully rinse it all off).

But in a way, it did prove my theory somewhat.  My hair was never cleaner!

If a person wore a hat and you tried to remove it, they'd freeze like a statue.

Thank you "Today's Special" for being the source of this conspiracy theory.  And no Hocus Pocus Alamagocus would ever prove that my theory was right.

Every fruitcake in the world was baked in 1970, and regifted to people all over the world since.

I haven't quite proven this theory to be true.  I don't even like the stuff and I've only tried it once.  But with fruitcake being such a holiday staple, I wouldn't be shocked if this theory did end up being true.

And finally,

Adults telling you that growing up was so much fun were actually lying to you.

Sadly, in some cases, this is truth.  I'd rather be a Toys R Us kid for the rest of my life than deal with adult responsibilities any day of the week.

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