This is a piece that I wrote
about five years ago. And the subject
happens to be about a time in which I was exiled from a Facebook group for what
seemed to be no reason at all. I
thought it would be a good time to revisit that piece I wrote all that time
ago, and take a look at what I've learned since that day.
Originally written on September
29, 2010.
You know, it's very seldom that I devote an entire
note to a recent event that has happened to me. Normally, I tend to write
notes in here that are mostly lighthearted. Talking about colours and
imagery. Writing about my hopes, dreams, and deepest desires.
Venting about crazy ladies who throw gum at me because our juice supply ran
low...
...well, okay, they aren't ALL positive.
But, if any of you who read these notes really know me
(and yes, I'll be touching upon that point a little later in this note), you'd
know that I tend not to talk about current events in my life. For one, I
don't think anybody would even be remotely interested in my current life,
because at times even I find it a bit dull and monotonous (though I am taking
steps to remedy that). And, for another, I actually find it much more
therapeutic to talk about things that happened to me in the past so i can look
at situations through adult eyes and laugh, heal, make peace with it, etc.
This note is going to be a bit different though.
I'm sure that when you glance at the title of the
article, you'll soon discover that the article is all about cliques (and not
about trains, though having a father who worked for a railroad for 31 years
makes me kind of a semi-expert in that subject as well).
The dictionary meaning for clique is as follows...
CLIQUE - a small exclusive group of people.
What's funny is that there are so many people who want
so desperately to belong to a clique, but yet so few people actually find
themselves actually belonging to one.
Growing up, I never did understand the whole concept
of cliques. To me, I was a kid who wanted to be liked by everybody, and
wanted to like everybody. Of course, a world where everybody likes and
respects each other is about as real as a world that is filled with unicorns
and fairy dust. So, you try to make do with what you have.
I do feel that there is a humongous difference between
a small group of friends and a clique. To me, having a small group of
friends means having a small group of at least three people who like and
respect each other, and will pretty much have each other's backs and won't let
other people hurt them, even if they kid each other around with humour and
inside jokes. I'd also like to believe that a small group of friends can
like and respect each other in spite of any differences that they may have, and
that a small group of friends can accept anybody else who may befriend the
other people in the friendship.
But, in my experience, a clique differs quite a bit
from a simple group of friends. To me, a clique is made up of a
group of a fixed or determined number...no more, no less. A clique is
formed based on one or more shared interests, and anyone who doesn't relate is
immediately excluded from being a part of it.
And, perhaps the biggest difference between a clique
and a mere group of friends is the fact that in a clique, friendships are built
on a foundation of conditions and high expectations.
Recently, I was involved in a situation that included
a clique (rather I was forced into being involved), and the end result has lead
to hurt feelings, anger, and general disgust in several people. I want to
speak about this experience I had. It isn't because I want people to feel
sorry for me, because I'm a lot stronger than I let on. It certainly
isn't to get revenge, because I don't play that game. And, it's not to
belittle or begrudge anyone either, because anyone who really knows me (again,
a key point to this whole essay), knows that I am the last person who would
take pleasure in other people's mistakes.
So, a few months back, I had made some friends with a
group of people who were mutual friends of some of my friends. They had
started up a group on Facebook, and when I was invited to join the group, I
didn't hesitate. The group itself was one of those self-improvement
groups, and again, to those who know me, they know that I have a bit of an
issue with making those self-improvements. So, joining a group that was
originally described as a group where people could share their dreams and their
goals with each other...it seemed like it was a fantastic idea. And, for
the first few months, it was great.
Then the cracks began to form. There was some
minor in-fighting between a couple of members, and there were a couple of
people who left the group, but since it didn't have anything to do with me, I
just ignored it.
Then, about three or four months ago, a couple of my
friends were blacklisted from the group for tangling with one of the members of
the group who was also a friend of mine. Again, since it didn't directly
affect me, I thought nothing of it. I was upset that two of my friends
were fighting with each other, but again, I trusted that both of them were
mature and responsible enough to handle the fights themselves away from the
group.
Then, out of the blue...one of the feuding friends
decides to end the friendship between her and ME...without any explanation to
me in regards of why she did it. Imagine my surprise when I was left
confused, because I was always under the assumption that we were cool, and that
I hadn't done anything wrong. It never dawned on me at the time when this
happened, but now that I think of it, I often wondered if maybe she had thought
that I had taken the side of the other friend because I was still talking with
him. But, again, I wanted to stay out of it. Obviously, there were
issues between the two of them, and obviously, it was up to them to work it
out. But, the idea that I would have my friendship forcibly ended with
one of the people didn't make any sense to me, especially since I wanted to
stay out of the line of fire.
So, imagine my surprise when the person who ended the
friendship with me sends me a message out of the blue two months later, telling
me that I should basically end my friendship with the other person, and that as
someone who has such a strong anti-bully stance, I should know better than to have
let him on my anti-bullying group because he was such a bully to her.
Let's just go ahead and dissect this little rambling.
First, for someone to decide not to have anything to
do with me because of my association with someone she dislikes to then come up
and try to tell me to drop this person as a friend tells me one thing.
She's a troublemaker. I don't like troublemakers very much. And,
besides...she decided way back when that I wasn't important or worthy enough
for her friendship and now she decides to warn me about him? Sorry.
Second...the person she had the conflict with and I
have been friends for almost an entire decade. It would take a lot to get
me to walk away from a friendship that I've had for such a long time.
Personality conflicts between people happen all the time...my friend of almost
10 years probably has friends that he has that I probably would not like...and
similarly, I'm sure that I have contacts that he's not fond of. But would
we end the friendship because of this? Unless that friendship was purely
toxic, not a chance. I'm just sorry that the other person involved in the
dispute was so insecure in our friendship that she chose to end it without
hearing my side of the story. Because if she really knew me, and really valued
my friendship, I most certainly would have tried to keep things civil, and I
would have tried to keep both friendships going.
Thirdly, I don't do well with ultimatums. For
the record, my friendship with the guy that has lasted ten years has never issued
me any sort of ultimatum in regards to my friendships with others. He may
not like everyone I hang out with but I'd like to think that we're secure
enough in our friendship that we need not worry. The other person
ended the friendship and THEN told me two months later why she did.
Sorry, not good enough in my opinion.
And, lastly...to try and use my beliefs and my passion
about a certain subject as a guilt trip to try and win brownie points from
me...I'm sorry...to me, that is pretty low, and if anything, it damages their
credibility a heck of a lot more than it damages mine.
So, long story short...I chose to remain loyal to my
friend who I had known the longest. His friendship is real, genuine, and
not based on a set of conditions. Hers was, and the more I thought of it,
the more I realized that having a friendship with her wasn't meant to be.
Then it really hit the fan.
Not long after she messaged me, which I pretty much
ignored, the founder of the group that I belonged to piped in with her two
cents, saying basically a repeat of everything that the other one had
said...that my other friend was bad news, I was getting in over my head, she
didn't feel comfortable maintaining the friendship as long as I was friends
with the other one...you know...things like that. I messaged her back,
saying that I would at least speak to my other friend to get the whole story
(mainly because I didn't understand why he was being blacklisted, and why I was
being blacklisted right alongside him).
Shortly after that message, I then went to visit the
group that I was a part of to see if I could get some advice on how
to handle the situation as someone who seemed to be unintentionally caught
in the middle.
Only I couldn't find the group.
It was only after that when I realized that all of my
friends (with the exception of two) from that group had either blocked me, or
decided that I wasn't worth having as a friend, and then it dawned on me.
I was blacklisted from that group because I had chosen
the friend who they did not like anymore. I was basically shown the door
by the owner of the group and her other friends because apparently I was
friends with the enemy.
Did I mention that this was all done BEFORE the
founder of the group contacted me? That she had ended our friendship and
kicked me out of the group BEFORE she told me that she was ending the
friendship?
I'm sorry, but what cowardice on her part.
Had I known that she had done this, I would not have
been nearly so nice to her in my reply back. I would have likely told her
off, and told her off real good.
When it first happened, I'll admit it. I was
deeply hurt. Why would I be kicked out of a group for such a silly reason
like that? Why wasn't my friendship important enough for them?
Didn't they enjoy my contributions? Didn't I inspire them?
Turns out, I wasn't the only one.
I know of quite a few people who were also kicked out
of the group for basically the same reason I was. We just didn't fit into
THEIR group.
We weren't IMPORTANT enough for them.
They had essentially become a clique...and the
troublemaker who tried to cause trouble between my friend and I was right in
the center of it all.
It was like high school all over again...being on the
outside of the clique that contained some of the "coolest" kids in
the school.
Though, looking at this clique, and many other cliques
that I've had to encounter in my school years, through adult eyes, I have a
different conclusion.
There isn't anything "cool" about a group of
people who shun others because they don't seem to fit THEIR criteria.
What it shows is insecurity plain and simple. Insecurity about
themselves, and insecurity about their relationships with other people.
If that group of people really (and I mean REALLY)
knew me, they'd know that I am the last person who would want to hurt anyone's
feelings intentionally. I am incredibly loyal to people who show loyalty
back. The fact of the matter is that my friend of almost ten years has
shown me that loyalty, even when times got too tough, while the whole lot of
those people didn't think twice about ending my friendship based on a conflict
between two people who were not me. And, people wonder who I'm going to
align with.
Let's get one thing straight. I don't have any respect
for the way this situation was handled by the group. I'm not acting like
a Mother Teresa here and saying that I was absolutely perfect. I know
that I could have done more to try and understand both sides of the story...but
it's incredibly difficult to try and get both sides when one side immediately
cuts you off before you get a chance to hear them out.
I also don't like the idea of people turning against
other people just because another person tells them to do so. It happened
with another one of my closest friends too, and to me, it shows more about
their character than it could ever possibly say about them.
People have made mistakes. Lapses in
judgment. Things that they could do over again if they could.
I wish that I didn't need to join that group to know
that I am a fantastic person who is incredibly loyal to their TRUE
friends. Although, in a way, I'm glad I did join, because I quickly
discovered who my real friends were from that experience.
The whole experience could have left me bitter, but I
choose not to let that happen. Clearly, those people in the group made
their choices, and they'll ultimately have to live with their choices. I
just hope they realize that what they did to me and my friends was much more
hateful, hurtful, and immature than anything that my friends could have done.
The worst part about this is that I still would have
posted on that group. I still would have used that group as a springboard
for healing my old wounds and finding my inner strength. If the opportunity
wasn't snatched away from me by force, I'd still be a member there. But,
it's kind of ironic in a sense that my deletion from that group lead to the
addition of inner strength, self-worth, and self-esteem.
And here we are...five years
later, and I still have these same thoughts.
I still have no tolerance for cliquey people, and whenever possible, I
try to avoid them as much as possible.
If they want to have their own exclusive group, by all means, let
them. In the end, they'll only become
some of the loneliest people to ever grace this world.
I'm confident enough in
myself to know who my real friends are.
And believe me. They know it.
