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Friday, April 10, 2015

Friday Thoughts

April 10, 2015

You know, I have to admit that lately I have been feeling a little bit down.  And, unlike other circumstances in which I've been trying to figure out why that is the case, this time I think I'm starting to understand why.

I guess there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to come out with it.  Everyone close to me seems to be ditching me.

Wait.  That sounds a might bit melodramatic.  Let's try rewording that last phrase.

Everyone close to me is embarking on new adventures.  Yeah, that sounds much better and less whiny.

Over the last six months or so, I reckon that I have seen close to fifteen co-workers leaving the workplace that I am currently at - fifteen co-workers that I have really grown close to over the last few years.  Some have moved on to other stores in the district.  Some have gotten new jobs that have nothing to do with retail in general.  And some have completely turned their lives upside down and have fled the city altogether to start a new life in a new city.

Now, before I go on with this blog entry, I want to state that I am one hundred per cent happy for each one of these people.  All of them have worked hard and thought hard about the decisions that have seen them leave our workplace, and I am definitely pulling for them.

At the same time, there's a part of me that is always going to miss them because of the fact that these people truly became really good friends, and they became people that I absolutely trusted.  And I don't care who you are in this world.  It is extremely hard to find that special bond or a connection with a person, let alone an entire sector of a workplace, school, church, or other public gathering place.

I know.  I've had trust issues my whole life.

What many people probably don't know about me is that I tend to be a really closed book when I first meet people.  I know it seems incredibly hard to believe, considering that over the last four years, I've pretty much wrote my whole biography in cyberspace for anybody to read. 

(Though granted, the pop culture references sort of mask some of the secrets I've shared that - well - aren't secrets anymore.)

But if one were to sit down with me and have a chat at a coffee house or restaurant booth - especially if we're just meeting up for the first time - it is more difficult for me to open up to people.

Because I'm still trying to feel you out.

In my youth, I made the mistake of trusting people too quickly.  Oh, I was so sociable and friendly, and told people anything and everything on my mind - and unfortunately those people took everything I said and used it to make me feel bad about myself.  And I admit that after putting my trust in people only to get burned, there was a time in my life where I just decided that it wasn't worth getting to know anybody.

Here's a bit of a confession to all of you - especially those of you who have been reading this blog and who might have only known me for a year or two.  For the first six months that I was working at my current job, I never really interacted with ANYONE.  In our employee lounge, I was more or less an observer than I was a participant.  I would sit in a corner watching everyone else interacting with each other, wondering how they did it so easily, while I was having trouble.

I think that it took me a total of six months to try and feel people out.  I began with befriending people who were around my age first, and from there I started befriending people who were older than I was.  Once I started to get to know them, I began to open up more.  Granted it took a lot of time for me to do so, but the end result was worth it.

And now, here it is, ten years later, and many of them have now gone off on their own directions, and once again, I kind of feel the same way that I did ten years ago.  I feel as though I'm starting all over again, and I am once more hiding in a corner in the lunch room observing, rather than participating.

I know that my friendships with those who have left are going to continue for years after the fact...but somehow, it's just not the same.

Have any of you ever felt that way?

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